At the end of it all.... for Questionland Seattle

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At the end of it all....

I have been with my husband for 14 years- married for 10. We have two kids.
At the beginning, sex was hot (like always) we did everything, everywhere. Great.
But, for the past five years or so, I literally CANNOT STAND to have sex with him any more. I can't stand it. He's still the same guy, eager to please. I have to either have a few drinks in my system or screw my eyes shut tight and wait for it to be over. And cry afterward for my lack of feeling. I thought it was because he gained weight at first, but I told him and he lost it. Nope, wasn't it, still hate the sex. Thought it was me, that I had hormone issues or something, went to the doc, nope, I am fine and I feel fine. God, I am 36 and hotter and hornier than I have ever been. But I swear, the thought of him humping away at me (even though I do get off) makes me want to vomit.
I am so, so desperately sad about this. I want hot passionate love in my life. He's a good guy and a great dad, but I fear that I am just DONE with him. Can't I just be DONE? Doesn't this happen to people? I have tried to spice things up, this and that over the years. He's always willing. But it seems so futile.
So, questions are- is this normal? I have experienced this in the past with other boyfriends (when I was verey young, obviously) but when it would happen I would just leave. But I have just been dealing with this for years. I know if I left, I would not get married again. I don't think I am good at it. So- is there any way to get past this? Fix it? Fix me?
Thanks, Dan- I think you are brilliant.
m

Jean asked Dan Savage in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report

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Dan Savage

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Oh, shit. I'm sorry you think I'm brilliant. Because... I got nothin' for you. I have no idea what's going on in your head, no idea why you're so repulsed by your husband, a man you seem to love with your heart, if not your crotch, and no idea what the fuck you should do about it. You could start here... http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html Read the article, see if you can't get in on/learn something from these studies. Also... I think it's interesting that you claim to be repulsed by sex, and the husband, but... when you do have sex, you get off. Makes me wonder just how disconnected your head is from your twat. And, finally, is your husband aware of this pattern? Or your problem? Might want to toss it out there. And... I'll be accused of beating the drum for non-monogamy here... but maybe you're just not cut out for monogamy? Maybe you would be happier—with your husband, in this marriage—if he wasn't all you had, or could have, sexually. Perhaps you've reached this stage with your husband and all your previous boyfriends/lovers because you want someone new, some variety, but you've never really conceived of a way that you can keep your husband and have someone new every once in a while. You could resent your husband—and feel repulsed by him—because he represents the impediment, the reason you can't shake things up, the reason you can't experience someone new. Being monogamous is great, I'm not slagging off the monogamous here. But some not-very-self-aware people place so high a value on monogamy that they wind up shacking up and breaking up over and over again. They're always in a "monogamous" relationship, they're just never in one for long. Maybe if you could have your husband and other men too—safe and organized swinging?—you would be more content in your marriage and less repulsed by your husband.

Dan Savage answered in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report

3 comments by Miss_J_Bean, goreedgo, and Jean…

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A professor I once had called this phenomena "serial monogamy"

Miss_J_Bean commented over 2 years ago | Report

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You might want to check out Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch [http://passionatemarriage.com/]. It's a really perceptive look at the intersection between sexual problems and marital problems with a focus on regaining sexual interest in a long-term relationship.

goreedgo commented over 2 years ago | Report

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Thanks for the help- I have been thinking about this forever and it's really just crashing down.
I am not in love with him any more. It's not about the sex. The sex is a symptom of the sincere lack of love. I said what I always say- "he's a great guy, a great dad".
But I don't love him any more and I am sad.
I think I can still get off during sex because it's a physical response and he knows the moves. And it's always been easy for me anyway, 4-6 orgams a shot.
Anyway, Dan- I appreciate the insight but after posting my "surface-y" question, I finally admitted to myself for the first time that I am not in love.
BUT- I am not going to run out the door screaming. I will give it some time and see if we can make it come back, we do have those kids to think of....I think I have been forcing myself to have sex out of wifely obligation (even though I don't want to, we do it 1-2 times a week, never missing a beat with the exception of the birth of the kids). In forcing it, it has turned me off from him even more....if that makes any sense.
The swinging? That has always intrigued me....but honestly? I known swingers, looked into the lifestyle and have been (frankly) so turned off by the quality of men/women! Always- overweight and nasty! LOL. That, I don't get. Is there a way to swing with only good looking people? Is that a dumb question? I think I saw that on an episode of Nip/Tuck once. But, I digress.
I am going to work on actually loving my husband again before I bring up strange penii. Thank you!

Jean commented over 2 years ago | Report

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