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Should a man tell his new wife that he was a sperm donor many years ago, long before they met?

My brother was an anonymous sperm donor about 15 years ago. Although he told me about it, he's never disclosed it to our parents and asked me not to tell them, either. He's now 40 and recently married and has asked me not to mention his "sperm donation past" to his wife. I agreed but I told him I thought it was a lousy idea for him to keep it a secret. At the time of the donation, he agreed to participate in the identity release program, meaning when any children created by his sperm turn 18 they can contact him. I think telling his wife about his "sperm donation past" and then immediately saying, "Oh and one of the kids just called me," is a terrible idea. I think he should tell her now because it will at least give her a few years to accept the idea that some kid may be calling one day. Am I right or wrong?

IGUB asked Dan Savage in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report

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  • Savage_small
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    You are right.

    But what are you going to do about it? I think you should encourage your brother to be honest with his wife, and for the reasons you cite. But I also think you should let him decide what to do. If he wants to be a dope and live in hope—if he hopes that his sperm was never used, or that, if it was, none of his biokids come looking for him—then you have to let him live in hope. Because it's his marriage we're talking about, IGUB, and at a certain point you have to mind your own business.

    You've offered him some good advice. But now you have to butt out.

    Dan Savage answered in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report
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