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Oral sex and Aspergers

My husband has Aspergers, a mild form of autism. Many people with Aspergers also have sensory integration issues. He is a wonderful lover but refuses to perform oral sex on me even though I routinely give it to him. Sometimes I read your column Dan, and feel like you always say DMFA if they won't reciprocate, but what if they are traumatized by what you're asking them to do? And he doesn't demand it from me but it's something I enjoy doing. I suppose I've answered my own question, I just feel bad whenever I read your DMFA comments about oral because there can be extenuating circumstances beyond bad hygiene.

happy_in_side asked in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report

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  • N658991070_769_small
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    That is frustrating indeed. I'm an Aspie myself, but while I got the spatial awareness stuff and the crippled fine motor skills (dysgraphia), I managed to miss the unpleasant-sensations part of the sensory integration issues--and in my limited sexual experience, giving oral was perhaps the most enjoyable part.

    With that said, I might wonder how much of it is just nervousness/performance anxiety. Just speaking from personal experience, I get nervous having to perform any new, complex physical task out of fear I'll do it wrong--and that's magnified about tenfold when sex is concerned. If you can manage to ease him into it--kissing around the area etc., and demonstrate how much you enjoy what he's doing, it may give him enough confidence to overcome the initial trepidation.

    Colin Killick answered in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report
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    Aww that sucks. I don't think this is something Dan could even answer - it sounds like a question for an Aspergers-focused therapist. Maybe one that is also familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy?

    And rather than drag your husband into it right away, since he's probably averse to even thinking about it right now, just call up therapists, explain your desired outcome (you want your husband to enjoy, rather than be traumatized by, giving you oral), and ask if they have any success stories with similar problems. Exhaust the phonebook looking for the best fit. Once you've got the big picture about whether or not anything can be done to improve the situation, then broach the subject with your husband in whatever way the therapist you want him to see recommends.

    And if everyone tells you that they don't think anything can be done, well, at least you tried, right?

    Bleuz answered in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report
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    Im trying not to have an ick factor here because my youngest son has aspergers, lol.

    And No with his sensory issues that's not something I could see him doing, (not that i can see him doing ANY of it.) but you know what I mean.

    shellbell666 answered in Sex & Relationships over 2 years ago | Report
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