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She doesn't care about the fact that you really like it? That sounds weird to me. Has she had a bad experience with them before?
I would recommend starting slow and working your way up to a full blowjob. If she's on board for trying to like them more, work some mouth/dick contact in to your regular routine. Just licking your dick and balls, not necessarily taking it into her mouth. When she's more comfortable with that, she can start taking the head into her mouth; the age-old trick is take it in until she reaches her comfort-level, and then make a ring around your penis with her thumb and index finger, gripping fairly firmly at her "cut-off" point; that way she can keep it where it doesn't hurt/choke and won't let your enthusiasm push it in further.
Aside from that, blowing a girthy guy just takes practice. Oddly enough, I've found it easier to take it deeper if I approach the penis "upsidedown," like from a 69 position. She probably doesn't like 69ing, but she could still straddle your chest and try it from that direction.
(This should be self-evident, but you are making sure your dick is freshly washed before suggesting she blow you, right? It makes a pretty big difference).
Good luck!
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Thanks for the feedback! Yes, unfortunately she had a bad experience back in high school. Chokey, chokey. And the guy was an asshole, to boot.
So I've always been careful to not get too "enthusiastic." But "always" equals the three or four times she's tried in the twenty years we've been together.
But also, she kinda interprets feminism to be "you're responsible for your libido, I'm responsible for mine." She's very affectionate in many ways, just not in the "ooooo, baby, I want to make you lose your mind" sort of way.
No, she doesn't like 69ing, but that's good advice about the upsidedown thing. Good ideas on the incremental approach too. And of course I do not present a Stinky Slinky.
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You seem incredibly well informed on this subject, Aislinn. Where do you draw your experitise from? Read many books? Ever see "The Guide to Getting it On" by Goofy Foot Press anywhere?
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@Sven: It's really sad how one asshole can leave such a lasting impression. Also, "stinky slinky" made me laugh out loud this morning.
@Captain: Ha, thanks! Some of it I'd chalk up to experience, though I'll admit that the gripping-at-comfortable-stopping-point technique was picked up from a Joy of Sex-like book on my mother's bookshelf that I read cover to cover during Christmas break when I was twelve (yay for latch-key kid sex-ed!). I didn't use any of those tricks until years later, but it's amazing what an impressionable pubescent mind can retain.
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Aislinn- my preteen sex ed research project was my mom's copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves." I was only child who mostly hung out with adults, and as far as I was concerned girls were more mysterious than the far side of the moon. OBO gave me the female basics in a very sex-positive way, and also imparted the fringe benefit that when I did get sexually active a few years later, I knew waaaaaaaay more about how to make a woman happy than my peers.
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l'm wracking my brain as to why this response got ANY thumbs down.
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Folks, I never had access to either of those books until after I got into college. And frankly, OBOS wasn't all that racy... unlike "Joy of Sex"...vavavavoom!
But, yes, that type of information at an early age before habbits and patterns of performance were set, certainly has helped me to be the loving, giving, caring, thoughtful, sensistive, GGG guy that i turned out to be. (Excuse me, I'm hearing my partner laughing hysterically in the background...) I've got to go now...
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"you're responsible for your libido, I'm responsible for mine." - I don't get what that means, I think. How are you supposed to blow yourself? Without needing back surgery?
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Basement,
Are you being serious? You really don't know what this means, or are you being funny?
It means that you're not responsible for giving me an orgasm or climax.... I am. Likewise, I'm not responsible for your climax... you are.
That being said, back surgury after sex is no fun either.... (lol.)
[PS: Has anyone else noticed that this appears to be the longest running thread in all of Questionland???
No, really. I'm serious.]
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Libido is not the same as orgasm. Libido means sex drive. It confused me. And it makes me happy to get my partner off - doesn't that make everyone (who is worth touching to begin with) happy too? You may not be responsible for your partner's orgasm but you are responsible for giving as good as you get (not you get off, I get off, or you get oral, I get oral - but more like if you get what you want most, I get what I want most). Being responsible for your own libido when your needs are not being met can also mean you have to deny those needs or seek them elsewhere - "I won't help you, you're on your own". Both of which options are bad in this situation. See why I was confused?
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I meant more that she doesn't define herself in any way by the pleasure she gives me. She doesn't mind that I do get a huge charge out of making her see stars, but doesn't expect it. That having been said, in the immediate sense she needs me to orgasm: wang + twiddle = happy, but in the feminist sense she doesn't base her happiness on my sexual satisfaction. As a feminist, I admire that my wife is so strong. As a person I wish she were a tad more GGG.
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I was also confused because I didn't know if it meant that any activity which was just about you pleasuring her or just about her pleasuring her was bad. That it had to be about both people equally all the time. Which would make oral kinda verboten, right?
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If she had a sexual need and you were not willing to meet it, what would she, as a feminist, do?
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Correction to comment before last: "just about you pleasuring her or just about her pleasuring you was bad"
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"I was also confused because I didn't know if it meant that any activity which was just about you pleasuring her or just about her pleasuring her was bad."
Not bad, just no interest on her part.
"Which would make oral kinda verboten, right?"
Well, as I mentioned, she doesn't really care about cunnilingus. I once made her cum seven times in a half hour from eating her out- part of a long involved bet on our part- but by in large she's indifferent to cunnilingus. Even if I combine it with a dildo. She just wants the 100% genuine cock, with a nubbin rubbin.
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"If she had a sexual need and you were not willing to meet it, what would she, as a feminist, do?"
She would just beat off. That's what she does maybe five or six times a year if she's horny and we don't have time to get fool around.
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What if she couldn't do what she wanted without the help of another person?
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I don't know. I think if she wanted to do something and it required someone else's assistance and it wasn't something they were dying to do, she would probably just not do it. She's very, very independent. Far to the "cat person" end of the "cat person / dog person" scale.
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Ok. I also had another thought, which is that since she had such a bad experience in the beginning, she'd have to start the way most of us started, which is handjobs. Kind of like starting all over again, wiping the slate clean. I'm trying to think of how I learned to enjoy giving them. Will she help out with anything like that? I don't mean as a by itself kind of thing but as foreplay.
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She's willing to give me handjobs. Always has been. And truth be told, they're not half bad- far better than jacking off. But only 10% as good as a blowjob.
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That's a really positive thing. I will have to think some more...
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As foreplay or on it's own?
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Even better sign. Still thinking...
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I think Violet has the right idea. And I think maybe it would help to not think of it as a blowjob at all, if that's what's stopping her. It also sounds like she's flexible on that belief that she is responsible for her own orgasm and you are responsible for yours if she's willing to get you off by hand (and maybe I still don't understand that whole concept). If she uses her mouth elsewhere, why not there? Maybe at some point she'll offer more, when she feels comfortable where she is. Have you gone through Dan's columns at all?
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Also maybe not explain it to her as a step toward giving full on blowjobs because she doesn't want to go there. It puts pressure on her she doesn't want. She's doing you a favor by even considering any kind of oral contact at this point. She may also have trauma reactions, flash backs or even just bad emotions that make it hard for her to physically do much, that make the taste especially off-putting, that she overreacts because she is sensitized to the negative aspects of it. I am suprised sometimes by having overly strong reactions to things I didn't even know traumatized me, if I'm lucky I understand what happened and can work to overcome it, but even though the reaction irrational in the context it currently arises it, it feels exactly like the time the trauma occurred. At the very least she's got negative emotions about it. I don't know if it's worth going into that at this point with her because any pressure she feels regardless of whether it's real or not, probably isn't going to help.
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Speaking of tramatising events.... Have you ever heard of a couple in the middle of intercourse, when an earthquake hits? Happened to us. It was a long time before I was able to "get back on the horse again."
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BD3- I read her some of Dan's columns on the subject, but don't want to sound like a harpie, you know?
I actually talked to her about this the other night, and even talked about some of the suggestions that had been made here on how to make it more fun. She's thinking about it.
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I'm glad you're talking to her about it. She needs to know it's important to you. You've been so respectful of her needs for so long without taking care of your own that it may just be hard for her to know that you care about it much at all. It can't hurt even to get a better understanding of what she feels about it (that she gave you an "I'll think about it" instead of an "I'm not interested" is good too). I get the feeling that you haven't really ever pressed her about this, which is good, but there's a difference between pressing and talking. Worse case scenario is she says no way, never again and she's pissed off for a while. How much worse is that than 4-5 times in 20 years, probably without much joy in her heart? Incorporating oral into foreplay, and making it really low key, really short and light and not even remotely to completion by any means should help. It's just part of normal sex play, it's not this hated chore looming over her head anymore. The picture she has in her head of what it is is outdated and harmful. She needs a new picture of it, that's fun, totally under her control and at her whim, and mutual (which I'm sure her high school boyfriend wasn't into either). If we all limited ourselves because of the shitty sexual experiences we had in high school we'd be a bunch of miserable sons-of-bitches, and probably celibate too.
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And Cagey - good timing. Pity it caused problems though!
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We shall see where it goes. The "take it easy & at your (her) own pace" thing is important.
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Curious - what was her reaction to Dan's columns? What was the message in them? I can only recall the female to male complaint, Dan's response being oral is standard, grow the hell up. As I recall, which may just be wishful thinking. I don't think that's the best advice for you, but I'm wondering what you did read and how she took it.
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OK, so here's where it gets complicated. My Mom died last year. And ever since she died, I've been struggling with feeling like I went through a terrible year with no recompense and that the "universe owes me something" for my pain. And what I've been saying is that I deserve a new motorcycle.
So what I actually said last week was effectively "hey, I have a better idea than an expensive new motorcycle! How about if we add oral sex to the repertoire. We got good ideas xyz, abc, efg..."
And she said "how about if you just get the new bike instead." My bad for making it an "either/or."
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Oh, and her response to the Dan columns was "hmm, that's nice." I guess what I'm learning is that she really, truly, genuinely was turned off BJs forever by that asshole in high school.
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Well, yes you were dumb, and yes she has a point. I mean, a motorcycle? I wish someone would buy me a motorcycle. I'd be too scared to ride it but I'm sure everyone would think I'm a lot cooler than I am now. Especially with a nifty neon leather bodysuit. Oh, hell, it's ok. People say things wrong all the time and it doesn't matter. If you've managed to stay married this long and still have a sex life at all (that's it's a good sex life aside from this issue is a goddamn miracle upon this earth, if you have any doubts about that do a quick poll of any guys who have been married that long, half the women too, and watch the envy on their faces when you tell them that), you clearly are able to get along pretty well and solve all sorts of problems. I think the feeling of entitlement, justified as it may be, and suppressed as much as I'm sure you're able to, can't be helping either of you much. You aren't actually entitled. You just really really wish. I guess it would be different if she blew you like a fiend before you got married and then tapered off (another favorite tactic of us evil women) but it's not. She was up front about it. So you essentially have this need and she can choose to honor it or not. She needs to know it's important to you(she knows), she needs to know it's ok (she doesn't think it is) and to get to that point there's got to be a long transitional period. Did she ever talk to you about how she felt the few times she has blown you? (and I'd expect her response to his columns to be that way, no big suprise that didn't change anything, so no big deal on that either.). And don't get all down about forever either. She's been willing to try before under worse circumstances (thinking she had to go all the way, etc.). There's still hope.
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BD3- she's just not into it. She didn't say "god, that's terrible," the way she does to say, sushi. I think she can't see why vaginal sex isn't enough. You're right that I should be appreciative of having a happy sex life, and I am- she and I have very happy traditional sex, and she likes it a *lot*, even after 20 years and two kids together. So I'm not complaining.
Even though I always clean up before oral, she has mentioned several times she doesn't like the taste of cock (though some of that could be psychological.) I think I'll just go get some dental dams and a jar of honey and see if trying something new changes her view a little bit.
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As far as I know, dick just tastes like any other skin, especially freshly washed. Maybe you should post that as a question because I seriously doubt I'm the most experienced cocksucker on these boards. The only thing I can think of is she doesn't like the taste of precum, which is legitimate if she has an aversion to the taste of cum. I'd start just asking her if she'd lick the shaft once (pretty safe from flavor), and call it a triumph for the day. As long as you'd swabbed the thing moments before and she doesn't dwell on the head it's unlikely she'll get a taste of much that bothers her. You could also try it in the shower, but watch out for water up the nose. Honey is sticky and you need to get most of it off of you before finishing her up as usual(which would be a good idea) because any sort of sugar vaginally can be problematic healthwise. There is flavored lube that tastes ok, not sure it's strong enough to conquer spunk. Hm. Maybe honey, but have a large warm damp towel to clean off with? Also the pineapple thing is a help if you do tend to get wet and don't want to have to keep on toweling off. Maybe dental dams or condoms are a good answer... at least just in case. I'm worried about it seeming like too much of a production and her feeling too much pressure - "I've brought all my blowjob enhancing accoutremonts, so, um, what do you want to do?" Maybe they can live in a drawer to be brought out if she wants.
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I'm going with honey. We'll see how this works.
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Sven, you ok? Worried you may not have survived.
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Still here. Just don't have anything to report yet.
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Good. If she cut it off I'd feel responsible. Take it as slow as you possibly can and I think you'll be alright.
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You don't need to report back to us, you know. Don't want you to feel obligated to talk about something that's pretty personal, or that you have to get back to us to be back on the boards.
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Thx, BD3. I've got a new side project that is keeping me from spending as much time on SLOG and questionland as previously. But I will certainly let you guys know how this story ends. We've been too busy cleaning our house in prep for a party next weekend to have a private party, for instance, but Mrs. Sven says she's game for trying the honey... says she doesn't care about condoms, the manroot taste is not an issue...
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