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How do you get a beloved homo friend/partner to get over his/her deep internalized homophobia?

My friend/partner is gay, and he's always hated that.

Now he's out of the closet and has tons of gay friends and goes out to gay clubs, but he still suffers inside.

His parents were very conservative and homophobic and now are trying their best to understand and grow (baby steps), but their son suffered years and years of intolerance, having to run away countless times because he was "not a man". Due to his depression, he's been in and out of heavy drug usage which has really negatively affected his social life. But he's pretty much clean now, but the issue still remains.

He's got textbook internalized homophobia. He dreams of finding a straight boy (how's that gonna work out for him, I wonder), and thinks most of the gays just aren't attractive to him, though he'll happily receive. Sure I'd like to help him out in the lovelife department, but more than that, it's his self-esteem which needs repair.

How do his friends help him get over something which is majorly holding him back in many ways but it seems he has no desire to get over at all?

drb asked in Pride Week Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
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  • Savage_small
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    By calling it out, repeatedly, and urging him to get the help he needs—professional help—and then, if that doesn't work, you drop him as a friend.

    Consequences, people, there have to be consequences.

    Dan Savage answered in Pride Week Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
    1 comment by Drew…
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  • Gina_thumb_small
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    With patience.

    Lead the horse to water. Help them to get out of
    whatever community (*ahem*cough*CHURCH, homophobic family, narrow-minded suburb) engendered their mindset and is feeding their self-hate. Expose them to books/movies/social activities that deal with their exact situation in a way you think is right on.

    If they're willing to work on it, you've basically succeeded. If not, Dan's right. Fuck 'em.

    Gina Young answered in Pride Week Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
    2 comments by Rev.Enant and Gina Young…
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