Our jealous 3-years old throws tantrums that scare us for Questionland Seattle

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Our jealous 3-years old throws tantrums that scare us

It's been almost a year since her baby sister was born, and she's still VERY jealous, aggressive towards the sis (only verbally so far, not physically), and throws the temper tantrums of the lifetime at us.
Any suggestions?

pashtida asked in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report

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ChrisMcCurry

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I can only echo what others have said; reflect back to your older daughter that you get that she's angry, jealous, needs attention right now, whatever you think is the communication behind the negative behavior. I like "Do Overs", as in the old "Ask me again, but this time say 'Please'". If you can do it without it becoming a power struggle you can ask your older daughter to do something again, but this time "be gentle", "use kind words", "use an inside voice", whatever will be a more positive step toward the behavior you want in that situation. Keep it brief. We become what we practice. Finally, as much one-on-one with her as you can manage(hard with a one-year old in the picture).

I would only add that, given how stressful and depleting all this must be, you should absolutely be taking care of yourself- secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others with theirs. Rally your support system so that you can take regular and scheduled breaks (A 2-hour block each week) that are yours and not just to catch up on chores. It is time well spent. Your resilience is key to both children getting what they need.

ChrisMcCurry answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report

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That sounds very hard for you. I'd like to know more. What kind of temperament did your older child have before the baby arrived? Are you able to give the three year old some special time to do fun things with her? Do you let her know that her feelings towards her younger sister are normal? Let her feel the negative feelings but not act them out towards the baby.
See if you can give her some opportunities to help care for the younger one. Don't push the "big girl" role too hard; give her some opportunities to be babied, too. Doing some art together or play dough can help. The children's librarian can help you find many good books that deal with new baby siblings. I hope this helps you. Vinnie

Vinnie answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report

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Check out the book (or the video) Happiest Toddler on the Block. The author, Harvey Karp, suggests that we validate the emotions our child has (he calls it getting into caveman mode with them, and echoing the strong ways they're expressing feelings), because this helps them feel understood, and helps them understand that feelings are sometimes overwhelming, but OK to feel. (If we always talk calmly and rationally to them when their feelings are so extreme, it's easy for them to feel like "you just don't get it!" and they get even louder so that you will "hear" them)

But, at the same time you validate _feelings_ you set clear limits on _behavior_, and on what kinds of behavior are OK and what aren't, and have clear consequences for out of control behavior. (e.g. time outs.)

Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report

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Thanks, Janelle.
While this approach makes perfect sense to me logically, I find it hard to implement for two reasons: First, I feel terribly uncomfortable with lying on the floor and screaming my lungs out. I'm just not that kind of person. I think that my awkward feeling would reflect on my daughter, and she will not experience my behavior as authentic, and therefore the whole drill will not be as effective. Second, in the more practical aspect, I also have the baby to attend to, while the older is screaming. She (the baby) gets really scared and needs my comfort and relaxation. I don't think she would get any of these by me lying on the floor screaming with my 3-yrs old...
I think it's a classic case where expert advice collides with reality...

pashtida commented about 1 year ago | Report

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I have to agree that Karp takes it much further than I would. I also wouldn't lie down and tantrum with my child. But just saying "I can see that makes you so mad! It seems so unfair!" can be more helpful than saying "It's OK honey, there's no reason to be upset..."
So, maybe use some of Karp's ideas, if not his exact tactics...

Janelle Durham commented about 1 year ago | Report

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My cure of choice for a 'dethroned' first born, when a second child starts making her presence felt, is to make time for one-on-one activities with the older child. During these special times, be sure to comment on how much you enjoy doing 'big girl' things with her or remark on her abilities (walking, able to eat by herself etc).
Tantrums are tough! They deplete us more than just about anything else. Try to help your older child develop her language skills. When she can name and communicate feelings, she will feel less frustrated and the tantrums will subside. This may help but sometimes tantrums tie in to development, especially of impulse control. For more on tantrums, I have posted some 'Featured articles' (either from my parenting columns or excerpted from my books) on my website. Please go to www.RoslynDuffy.com to check them out.

Roslyn Ann Duffy answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report

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