I'd like to know why, too, but I suspect it's because she has seen me stick up for her to her parents before, because she has seen me keep her small secrets before, and because she thinks I'm cool.

She told me that a guy asked if I would buy a dildo for him. She was instant messaging me from school, and one of her classmates was being a clown. She told me that I think as a way of getting him off her back and of rolling her eyes at him with me simultaneously. Or that was how it was presented, anyway.

I agree that I need to have a talk with her soon about this stuff. I plan to let her know that I will respect her privacy until the point where doing that risks harm to her, then I will let her know and give her the option of disclosing herself or being there while I do it.

Thanks for your answer, Cagey!

Hi, thanks for answering.

And thanks for taking the conservative approach. You're right that the situation is fraught, and your warnings haven't gone amiss. I think I'm in pretty safe territory. "You have to ask your parents" is about the safest possible response I can imagine to some kid I don't know asking me to get him a sex toy. I didn't message him directly in any event, just relayed a message through my niece.

I like the idea of directing her to other resources, too, though not solely. If she comes to me for help or advice, I'll give it. That's where your full disclosure advice helps, too: something like "I'll maintain your confidence unless I'm certain that it will cause you serious harm to do so." At the suggestion of some other folks here, I'd also add "I won't go behind your back. If I have to tell somebody else, then I will tell you first that I'm going to do it, and I will give you the opportunity to be there when I do it. I will also do everything I can to defend you if it gets ugly."

Thanks again for your reply!

As far as the abortion thing goes - Washington does not have parental or spousal notification laws for abortion, and I think that if she has one and needs someone to confide in, Mike is on sound ethical ground not telling his sister.

What a great answer! Thanks, nseattlite!

Interestingly, my sister had an aunt that was her go-to adult during her teenage years. But I think she wants to be that person for her daughter, and for most things she absolutely is. And let's face it: she could be for all things, and my niece's comment about the dildo could totally have been from another kid in her class. But I want to be prepared in case it's not.

I very much like your above-the-board approach to hearing something I can't keep secret. "I have to share this because I think it'll hurt you badly if I don't. But I'm letting you know before I do it, and giving you the chance to do it before I do, or to be there while I do it, and I will give you every bit of support I can during the aftermath." That is perfect.

"If you betray your niece's trust, it's possible that she could do something dangerous while trying to remain secretive."

Absolutely right.

Also, your succinct reasoning for not buying a kid a sex toy trumps my long-winded justification in response to BD3's answer. I should have just waited :D

Agreed, your response to BasementDweller is proof enough that your judgement is sound and your heart's in the right place but Griffin has a great point that occured to me too: that kid needs the shot! Protecting your niece's future health is important enough to be a little sneaky, even if that is not your nature.

Very much agreed that uncles do not need to be buying teenagers sex toys. (Since dildos are such a personal choice--not all women like the same things--that's WAY too much information for the uncle.) Not to sound like the old geezer on the street, but humans come equippped with totally fine sex toys that they can use for private experimenting until old enough to choose and buy their own.

Very good advice on offering to take her to the doc if she wants to go and support her in a discussion.

Is there urgency in her getting the shot at 15? Any possibilty that Mom is just thinking "not yet"? IMO, a minor's parent trumps the minor's uncle unless the child is in immediate danger. If one of my siblings engineered my child getting an optional (I"m not dead yet) medical treatment against my express wishes, there'd be hell to pay. If the teen talks to her doctor about it, that is not involving the uncle.

I would say there is urgency in getting the HPV vaccine if this girl is or is about to be sexually active. And if she wants the shot but Mom is adamant about not getting it so she doesn't "spoil" herself, then yes, her uncle can and should help her get the shots.

Per Emily Steed's response, at 15 she can get the shot on her own. Her uncle should not be pushing this. If she asks him, he can tell her about PP.

If I were an aunt and my niece asked me at 15 I'd make it possible for her to buy one. If gender is the problem, perhaps Mike has a female SO?

CSN - she may need a ride or $ (PP told me the shots (there are three over several months) were about $167, I was employed part time though). That is all I was suggesting he'd provide. Pretty sure she'd know what the shot is for as all her peers would have gotten it at 11 or 12.

BD3, that's exactly what I was getting at. Thanks.

Griffin: thanks for your answer! Very well thought-out, and I hadn't considered the Walgreen's personal massager idea, although I'm not sure that would fit the dildo bill. I'm going to have a talk with her soon along the lines of "You can trust me to do the following: to respect your privacy and keep your secrets, unless doing it would cause you serious harm; to let you know beforehand if I decide I need to tell somebody else; to give you the chance to be there when I do; to defend you with every last bit of my persuasiveness and credibility if it doesn't go well. You can ask me anything, even uncomfortable and awkward things; if I can't answer your question I can at least teach you where to find answers. If you're ever in trouble or need help, you can call me, text me, message me or knock on my door."

I like the "willing to drive to the doctor" bit, too. I'll have to work that in.

Everybody else: this is a great discussion. The vaccine thing is a hard one for me. On one hand, she should have it. On the other, I'm wary of subverting her mom's decision on this. My sister is a great mom in most respects, and I wouldn't casually go behind her back on this, not least because I love her and value her trust and love.

Ultimately, I think the best middle ground is for me to say something to my niece like "This might be uncomfortable for you to hear, and you don't need to reply, but please, please make sure you get vaccinated for HPV before you decide to have sex, or as soon as possible if you already are." Her response can guide me - if she expresses interest, I can let her know that she can seek it from a doctor on her own, and that cost is not an issue.

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts about that approach.

I don't think you are undermining your sister by encouraging your niece to get the shot. What you are doing is fighting the odds of cervical cancer. In a loved one. I don't get how mom wins on this one. Her daughter gets HPV = mom wins? She needs the vaccine before she has not just sex but any sexual contact - it's a skin to skin transfer. And it takes six months to completely administer the vaccine. Which is why they do it so young, because it's pretty much a given that you are going to see a dick by the age of 14. Hopefully on someone her own age, so odds are reduced, but really, she needs it ASAP. Her mother is being irresponsible with her daughter's health. I can understand her not allowing her daughter birth control more than I can understand her denying her daughter this.

For the girls I knew and know growing up and now, those whose parents are vehemently against the HPV vaccine also tended to be vehemently against birth control. Not exclusively so, but enough.

Both of these stances are akin to sticking one's fingers in one's ears and singing "la la la, I can't hear you, la la la, you can't possibly be thinking of sex yet." And if Mom is OK with kid having sex, but not being as protected as possible from disease and pregnancy (if applicable), that's idiotic.

I'm not suggesting to anyone that s/he toss all unvaccinated kids in a car willy-nilly and haul them to the clinic for shots. I do believe that 15-year-olds should be able to get medical care that they want even if their parents don't approve (I'm lumping condom purchases, Depo shots and the like into this) because the alternatives are harmful. And if they need a bit of help from older sibs, relatives, or friends to get it, so be it.

re: first sentence - this is why amazon works well - uncle, can I borrow a credit card to get some stuff from amazon? I'll pay you back. No dildo convo or blame. She "oops" has it shipped to his house, not her mom's. Besides, this fun conversation exists on the net to exonerate him. She can't shop at a store in person because they won't let her in. Unless she just tries it and they do. Depends on the store. Most don't card, unless they are giant mega chains, and then not always. She needs to start cultivating older friends anyway, she'll need them to buy her booze.

Thanks for your response, Rev. No, I don't intend to violate my niece's trust. I'm very lucky in that my niece trusts me and thinks I'm cool. That is such a fragile, fleeting for a non-celebrity to have from a teenager that I esteem it very highly, and it's why I asked this question here.

One thing I have been doing lately is giving her overt gifts (books, usually - I have a long history of encouraging her reading) with covert gifts of cash inside. Economic freedom is so rare when you're a kid, and I remember the sense of responsibility, adulthood and liberty I felt when I had cash at her age. I give her the cash covertly so that she doesn't have to disclose it to her parents. That's her call, and she has proven herself more than responsible enough to manage $50 twice a year.

Part of the reason I do that is so she can buy things without having to get money from her parents or even without them knowing. I think she deserves some economic privacy and if she happened to buy, say, a personal massager at a drug store, that's her call.

The Amazon thing is an interesting idea, too, BD. I'll definitely have to consider that possibility.

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts.

I'm not sure if she knows about her mom's past. I would guess that she doesn't. Then again, just as I have to protect my niece's privacy, I have to protect my sister's. Part of what makes this situation difficult is that I can go all papa bear on behalf of everybody involved ;-)

But it's a very good point, and it might be worth it for me to ask my sister how much she's disclosed to my niece, and to suggest that the gain in credibility might offset whatever loss she fears in the "pillar of righteousness" category.

Thank you for your answer!

agreed. you will know. and as stated above, you can include her by asking that she talk to her mother and offering to back her up.

Thanks, ozchick and Mr. H. I appreciate the support. But this entire discussion has helped me in a huge way to flesh out my opinions. I like to be prepared so that I can back up my instincts with reason and forethought instead of just flying by the seat of my pants. Especially when I'm between two people I love.

And yes, the full-disclosure, I-have-to-tell-your-mom-about-this approach is a great one.

Hey, Basil, thanks for answering.

I answered your question in my response to BasementDweller's answer, so rather than repeat my extremely long screed here, I thought I'd let you know where it is ;-)

Some of the things this kid isn't required to tell her mother:
- when she first has sex, or has sex in general
- if she gets an STD (unless it's AIDS)
Some of the things she should tell her:
- Who her boyfriend is (eventually)
- Dangerous drug abuse/alcohol abuse
- If she's been raped
- Maybe - if she's going to have an abortion
- Definitely - if she's going to have a baby
----------
Think about what you would do for a nephew. Is it different, why and is that difference justified.

To add to that list:
Isn't required to tell her:
- if she's gay if she's still living in the house/economically dependent for school, etc. (Dan's rule)

Try to keep in mind that if she doesn't have you to talk about this stuff with, she'll only have her friends left. And how smart are they going to be about this stuff?

And to revisit the dildo conversation - ask her if maybe she was asking for herself and if so she can borrow your credit card and Amazon account (she can research safe materials, stuff worth buying at Babeland or Good Vibes). If she shies away from that, let it go. There are lots of good sites to refer her to - plannedparenthood.org, sfsi.org (san francisco sex information hotline and email), Dan's column and podcast, midwestteensexshow.com (funny and not overwhelming - "Prom babies cry just as loud."), scarleteen.com, http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/, etc.

Couldn't get video at mwtss to work at their site but //miroguide.com has them for download or view. They stopped working in their website to make a pilot for Comedy Central but no news on it yet. They're damn good.

Thanks for your response!

Why not buy her a dildo? Because the potential consequences are enormous. Bear with me as I delve deep into the world of the hypothetical, here:

My first thought was that if she wants a dildo, she should have it. I'd rather she experiment with a dildo than with some kid's penis. If she were my kid, I'd get her one.

But there are two things that would stop me from getting a sex toy for my niece if she asked. First, if I were her parent and some other adult sent her a dildo, I'd be pretty pissed off. I think it's a little bit hard to defend to a third party.

This is especially present in my mind when I imagine my sister finding the dildo and asking where my niece got it. As much as "turning my niece in" to my sister would damage my relationship with my niece, me getting a sex toy for my niece would damage my relationship with my sister even more. This is especially true if my niece didn't disclose that she had asked for it. In order to avoid trouble, she might omit that detail without realizing the shit-storm it could create for me.

If my niece were 18 I wouldn't have the same concerns. Then again, if she were 18 she wouldn't need an agent to get a sex toy ;-)

The second reason is just the creep factor. "Yeah, my uncle bought me a dildo when I was 15." That doesn't sit well with me, and I'm the most sympathetic possible observer. It would be impossible to prove to a third party without a shadow of a doubt that my intentions were totally pure. I love my nieces and nephew way too much to risk my relationships with them that way.

I hate playing defense this way, but when I worked as a day-care teacher, the principles were drilled into me. There are creepy, fucked-up predators out there, and the best way to avoid even the possibility of being confused with them is to remain above reproach. It's sad, but not nearly as sad as losing your job/friends/family/standing in the community, etc, over an avoidable misunderstanding.

To some folks buying somebody else a sex toy is no big deal. To others it would be a huge deal - buying somebody a sex toy to them might seem like a sexual overture. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of insisting that I always be judged according to my own standards. And to be honest, I'm not sure where my brother and sister would stand on that spectrum. They're both over a decade older than I am. My brother-in-law is two decades older.

"Think about what you would do for a nephew. Is it different, why and is that difference justified."

I would have all the same concerns if it were my nephew. Are you thinking I wouldn't get her a dildo because I somehow think it's not appropriate for girls to be interested in masturbation? That's not a factor at all.

Thanks for the resource links! I had actually planned to suggest a couple of them to both my sister and my niece, but now I have more to recommend.

Mike, you are totally right about why not to buy one for the niece or the hypothetical boy, for all the reasons you stated. Not that it sounds like you need endorsement on that issue. Clear, sensible and thoughtful.

Thanks, ozchick, for your kind words. And thanks to BD3 (long one of my favorite questionland residents) for challenging me and forcing me to articulate my position about this. I learned a lot about my thoughts while I formed the answer.

Thanks Mike, I know I'm beating a bit of a dead horse on this one and I'm glad you're not offended (and thanks for the compliment!). I had another thought that I know isn't really relevant, but would this even be a question if it were a nephew and he asked you to help him order a Fleshlight? It seems like the gender difference is the issue (and the trust more meaningful as a result). If you have a close female friend or a girlfriend who can talk to her about this "girl stuff", I think that would totally take the creep factor out of it, and would help you share the burden of this kids trust. The cash gift idea below is lovely and smart, and it seems like you've got a better head on your shoulders on this particular subject than her mother. So use your own judgement and know that because of her enhanced health care, education, and emotional support she's had in this difficult time of life, your niece will be happier and healthier as a result. And what mom wouldn't want that?

Mike, Dan is on Questionland tomorrow - ask him!