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Transitioning a 6-month-old from family bed to crib?

So before I had Lil TVDinner, my colleague gave me a copy of "On Becoming Babywise." I swore I'd follow that book to the letter, since she said her baby started sleeping twelve hours a night at 8 weeks of age...and then I actually had the baby.

Lil TVDinner has GERD enough that her doctor prescribed a special formula, so for the first 4 months or so we let her sleep either in her bouncy chair or her infant swing (the "Neglect-o-matic"), as that way she'd be sitting up at a 45º angle, more or less. She'd holler like a stuck pig if we laid her down flat on her back in her crib.

So about six weeks ago we discovered that she would sleep on her back, so long as it was with us. This is working out pretty well, but we wouldn't mind transitioning her to her crib so we could have a bit more flexibility in our schedules ourselves (Lil TVDinner is adamant about going to bed at nine). Here's what's gone wrong so far: I tried putting her down in the crib with a pacifier, but she just howled as soon as the pacifier came out. Then I tried letting her cry for 5 minutes and coming in to comfort her, but not picking her up. Fat lot of good that did. I am ashamed to admit that in one of my more inspired parenting moments, I let that go on for an hour and a half. She'd cry, I'd try to comfort her without picking her up, and IT DID NOT WORK.

I'm wary of reading any more books, as it seems there's a whole industry trying to capitalize on parents' fears, desires for sleep, et cetera, and different factions of that industry push their own dogmatic, rigid "methods" off as expertise one is a fool not to follow. In other words, a lot of those books seem like a way for some guy to get rich by exploiting parents' fears, and a lot of them are very contradictory.

So yeah. Any suggestions?

TVDinner Redux asked in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
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    elenchos

    My observation of about a half dozen parents who put their babies in a crib, and tried to put them on a sleep schedule to one degree or another, and another half dozen or so who kept the baby in their bed and didn't try to schedule anything, is that the amount of work, aggravation, frustration, and lost sleep is about equal.

    You're either running down the hall to check on a fussy baby or you're rolling over to check on a fussy baby who keeps kicking you in the head. Or you spend a week transitioning your baby to fall asleep at a certain time, enjoy a week of being "on schedule" and then (oddly enough!) you're off the schedule again next week and hard at work trying to get back on schedule.

    Whereas if you don't bother trying to schedule them, the baby will fall asleep at your preferred time on their own about one week out of three -- the difference is that you don't spend the other two weeks battling with them to get them back on schedule.

    If yours always falls asleep at 9, consider yourself lucky -- at least it's consistent. Just plan around it and don't try to mess with it.

    It seems like if you're trying to get them to sleep at a specific time, or in a specific place, then you're constantly strategizing, planning, disciplining yourself, and doing various work. And if you don't, then you're at the mercy of whatever the kids preferences are. Neither is ideal, but based on my admittedly small sample size, it's six of one or a half dozen of the other.

    So why bother? Why wrack your brain trying to make the kid do what they don't seem to want to do? I think it's easiest, and less stressful, to hold them when they cry, let them sleep in their preferred place (usually in the parents' bed), and at their preferred time. They'll be insisting on sleeping in their own bed soon enough, so enjoy it while it lasts.

    elenchos answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
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    Roslyn Ann Duffy

    I love that you say, 'and then I actually had the baby'. Isn't that the truth?
    The thing about sleeping issues is that not only to they occur when we (and our child) is at a low point of energy and likely tending toward cranky, but if they result in less or interrupted sleep - the problem multiplies as we feel more and more tired and discouraged. No wonder you don't want to read anything else!
    My starting point for sleeping issues is to ask people to look into their own hearts and ask how they really feel. Do you want your child in bed with you for some reason (comfort, connection, solace or even fear that something bad will happen if the child is apart from you)? Do you really want this child out of you bed? If so, why? Be honest with yourself.
    The truth is that if you feel unsure, your child will know. Until your heart is clear - no technique will be likely to work. Once your heart IS clear - lots of things could work, mainly because you will be able to commit to their success.
    (If you are in the Seattle area, this is one of the types of issues I help families sort out in my practice. I just wanted to let you know of the possibility of that kind of resource, or you could look for someone of your choosing that can help with parenting issues.)

    Roslyn Ann Duffy answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
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    Janelle Durham

    Regarding sleep books: there's a wide range of advice out there. Babywise is one end of the continuum (the parent-led, schedule driven end of the continuum), so if it's feeling wrong to you, know that there are other middle-of-the-road books (e.g. Elizabeth Pantley No-Cry Sleep Solution), and the other end of the continuum (The Baby Book by Sears, and James McKenna's book... I think it's called Sleeping with your Baby.) So, there may be another book that would better suit you.

    That said, do you need a book to figure this out? No! You can figure it out by 1) deciding if it's really a problem, 2) asking other parents for advice, 3) observing YOUR baby, and 4) thinking about YOUR family priorities.

    1) Elizabeth Pantley basically first asks 'how do you know you have a sleep problem? If it's a problem for you, your partner, or your baby.' If any of you are miserable, and exhausted, then you have a problem. If not, then who cares what books say, friends say, or strangers say. If it works for you, it's OK.

    2) ask other parents for what they've tried, and "try on" each of those approaches. Take the ideas that feel best to you.

    Then,
    3) observe your baby. Different babies have different needs. My older one slept with us till she was six months old, then she started crawling in her sleep - kicking her dad in all sorts of uncomfortable places. So, we moved her to a crib. She has always (and still always, at age 16) struggled with letting go of the day, and falling asleep. We had a good bedtime ritual of songs, and stories, then we would put her down, and she'd cry miserably for fifteen minutes, then fall asleep for the rest of the night. I hated listening to her cry, but it seemed like that was her release at the end of the day.
    My younger one just liked to snuggle, and would fall asleep easily as long as she could snuggle, and would lie quietly next to us all night. We could settle her down in our bed, then sneak away, and she would stay asleep. If we tried to put her alone in a crib, she would cry and cry, just getting more and more miserable, and never sleep.
    So, sleep solutions have to be individualized.

    4) family priorities. It's just another one of those things, where you just have to work out what feels best for your family in the moment.

    Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago | Report
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