Long Distace Relationship question for Questionland Seattle

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Long Distace Relationship question

I've met a man that lives in another state. I'm from Chicago and he is from Maine. I am newly divorced but had been separated for quite some time. We have been together for two months. I have a five year old daughter that he accepts completely. I have mainly full custody.

My friends say it will not work because of my child. That the man i am seeing will have to move to me, but I'm not sure he will. Opinions would be appreciated.

Lilly asked in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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katiedid

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In my experience with LDRs, they almost never work out. Yes, there is a small fraction that do, but in general, they just aren't a good idea, for several reasons.

First, talking about uprooting his life and moving to you after only being together for two months is moving *really* fast, especially since you're newly divorced. That puts enormous pressure on the relationship, pressure neither of you want. I completely understand wanting/needing emotional support from someone, and the perfect someone happens to be hundreds or thousands of miles away. But the only way to keep things from getting messy is to keep it casual.

Second, if he doesn't move, and you two decide to stay together long-distance, it gets lonely. Fast. If you two develop strong enough feelings for each other, the heartache alone from not physically being together further puts a damper on things. It's not a fun way to spend your time. Even if he's rich enough to afford to come visit once or twice a month, that's still a major time suck. After a while, you'll both realize the time and money just isn't worth it. As I'm sure you know, love alone can't keep a relationship going.

Those are the main two problems I see. Your kid doesn't even enter into it, other than the fact that she needs her mother with her head in the game, not getting depressed over failing relationships.

So please be careful, think of your kid first, if you *must* continue the relationship, try to keep it casual for as long as possible. Commitments at that distance easily go awry, and feelings get hurt. Listen to your friends, they sound like they have your best interests at heart. Good luck.

katiedid answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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As an aside, I hate being a debbie downer, and wish I could tell you it's a good idea. But I've seen far too many of these go badly, and when there's a kid involved, it's just best not to risk it. This is just my opinion, though. You're welcome to agree or disagree.

katiedid commented about 1 year ago | Report

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I sadly have to agree. A big part of me always wants to believe that love is really all that matters - but these relationships rarely work out. : (

I also agree that the kid really has nothing to do with it.

Basil commented about 1 year ago | Report

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Your child is not the issue. It's too soon to ask him to move to you, but the relationship won't go anywhere long-term if it persists with you in Chicago and him in Maine. I assume you can't move because you share custody.

I've heard of some exception cases that lasted while one partner waited for the other to return. I've been one of those exceptions. However, I've only ever heard of one bi-locational relationship working out long term with no plans to be together, and those people had more frequent flyer miles than any human should.

Sorry--I wish I could be more optimistic.

CleverScreenName answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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What does your gut tell you?

You say that he accepts your five year old completely. If that's the case, does he want you two to move to join him? Has he suggested this? Has he avoided the discussion of long term arrangements?

In the absence of some other information, it sounds all positive to me. Why would you care what your friends all say, if your heart and gut are telling you to pursue a long-term relationship with this man?

Is there a middle ground that you could agree upon with this man? (Don't know what that would be... maybe a trial visit or temporary visit of a month or more?)

"Cagey" answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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I just want to caution you that in my experience, relationships that start local and change to be LDRs tend to work better than ones that start at a distance. It's much easier to show your best self when you're only physically around each other for a week at a time. Also, like katiedid implied, LDRs tend to become too serious too quickly, which can be tough on your heart and on your daughter.

Canadian Nurse answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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Is it love? Are you both putting a lot into it? If yes, then it will likely work. We're in a different age now with tools to help LDRs: do you two skype all night?

but two months is just the very sliver of the beginning... it's a little soon / early to be future-tripping, don't you think?

And, further down the road (months, years), if it comes to it, why don't you both move? Split the difference, say, to NYC? This 'you must move' or 'he must move' is crap. It's not like you have to present papers at the state borders or anything.

(Your friends are shitheels: how in the world will it not work because of your child?? I smell jealousy. )

Rev.Enant answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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