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Never Orgasmed

I'm a thirty-year-old female, and I've never had an orgasm. I enjoy sex, and I have a partner I really like and who is a lot of fun in bed. Everyone always swears that a vibrator will absolutely do it for anyone, but I find that when using one my clit gets numb within about ten seconds, and then it starts to hurt. I enjoy oral sex, and my boyfriend has spent upwards of an hour on it in the past. I feel great and turned on, but never get off. I probably get the closest with manual sex, but at some point it abruptly turns painful and makes me feel like I'm going to burst out crying. I enjoy vaginal intercourse the most (particularly after a long session with hands and mouths), but it is more emotionally satisfying than physically. I rarely masturbate, and if I try to, it nearly always feels like nothing. It feels kind of the same as touching my own knee or arm. I can feel the contact, more pressure or less, but it doesn't feel particularly enjoyable and not remotely conducive to an orgasm even if I do the same things with my hands that my boyfriend does and that I know I enjoy. Porn usually bores me. Erotica interests me, but I don't tend to feel more than mildly turned on.

More background: I was raised religious and started having sex when I was fifteen. When I was about seventeen, I started taking oral contraceptives, and my libido just ended, even after I stopped taking them six months later. Sex became a chore and then a painful chore. I didn't enjoy any physical contact, but I loved my boyfriend and tried to have sex despite my loathing for it.

He was determined to "force" me to orgasm, and sometimes we would agree to go beyond the limits of when I wanted things to stop. That is, I would think, "At some point, things start to feel painful to me, but maybe if we went on a little farther, it would turn back enjoyable, and maybe I would orgasm if we just keep the sensations up, but I always stop just short of it." So we would, but it became dreadful. He was not my first sex partner, so I knew that the problem wasn't in the relationship, and actually we had a very good relationship except for sex.

When I was 23, we broke up, and I began experimenting with other partners. I found that I enjoyed sex more than I had since my middle teens, and sensations that I had previously found painful started to feel really incredible. However, I found that if I talked with my sex partners about my inability to orgasm, half took the tack that there was no point in them trying anything with me since it would make no difference and half took the tack that they would "force" me to get off through persistence.

One of these, who claimed he'd had upwards of a hundred partners (and certainly he'd had sex with every female I knew in common with him), said that as far as he could tell as an "unbiased outside observer," to his "expert eye," I show every sign of getting off, and he concluded that to some extent my body gets off without my brain participating. I think that he was mostly full of shit, but it's true that I sometimes experience something that seems like what people who get off call an "afterglow," but I still think I would notice having an orgasm.

My current boyfriend says that when he goes down on me, I usually show most of the physical reactions his previous girlfriends showed about two minutes before getting off, but that he can see it doesn't really progress farther than that.

I have hoped that as I keep having sex that I enjoy, some time, I'll just surprise myself by getting off, but I've been having sex for half my life, often with really considerate partners, and while my enjoyment in general increases, it seems as though I'll never get off, and that seems so sad and depressing.

dande_lion asked in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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  • Polaroidstoryofo_small
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    Susie Bright

    I have just a couple things to add to Heather's suggestions:

    1) You are far from alone. Between 25-30% of the women your age that I survey don't have orgasms, or don't know if they're having them.

    2) You're very articulate, you're not neurotic as you tell your story, your powers of self-observation are impressive. This makes you an ideal candidate for therapy— you could go really far, really fast.

    3) Read "The Erotic Mind" by Jack Morin, to get at more of your sub-conscious mind regarding fantasy and arousal. For you, the mental part has got to be up and running... you'll find it.

    4) You've seen the benefits of sexual variety in terms of getting closer to something you like. TRY MORE. What if you're the sort of person who really gets her clit best stimulated thru combination anal penetration and glans touching? What if your nipples being pinched is what makes your hard-on come alive? What if someone talking dirty to you makes you light up like a Christmas tree? If anything, any image, any sensation, has EVER fascinated you... think about it... follow that CAR!

    Susie Bright answered in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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    Heather Corinna

    I'm seeing a lot in here that could be playing a part in all of this: the religious upbringing, the stallout in your libido in your teens, the sex you had out of obligation, the parade of sex partners being idiots about your orgasm, and of course, your feelings of frustration. Any of those things could have an impact. All of them combined are likely having a big one, and I'd be surprised if they weren't in some major way.

    But it sounds like you have a solid partner now, and it also sounds like you've been able to have lots of sex you enjoy without feeling pressured to orgasm. That's very good news.

    While I think you might be served best by a sex therapist (in another post, Susie suggested Rae Larson here in Seattle, and I would too, since she's a world of awesome: http://www.sextx.com/), it also sounds to me like you might just be having a hard time letting go when it comes to orgasm. Orgasm involves us surrendering to what we're feeling, and really rolling with it, even if and when it feels very emotionally precarious. It's control we're letting go of, really, and that's harder for some folks than others. For some people, it's very scary and very hard.

    You say the closest you get is with manual sex (and I trust what someone tells me feels good and doesn't: if that feels better to you than a vibe, don't worry about vibes right now), but that there comes a point where it feels painful and you feel like you may burst out crying. While experience with orgasm varies so much, that, to me, sounds a whole lot like being RIGHT on the verge of orgasm. If you haven't ever tried to go with that for just another minute or two, I'd be curious to see what happened if you did. I know you said you did with that one partner, but given the sexual dynamics of that relationship, I'd not have expected good results there.

    I do think that if you just keep it up per having all the kinds of sex you enjoy, and going where your pleasure takes you, eventually you'll get there, so long as you CAN let go when that happens. Again, I'd still advise consulting a sex therapist, and I'd also make sure that you and your partner are avoiding any big analyzing sessions about your lack of orgasm, as that's more likely to make this harder than easier.

    Heather Corinna answered in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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  • Horse_ass2_small
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    BasementDweller3

    You can actually orgasm and not know it. It's not necessarily a distinct feeling. That might be why you suddenly and abruptly stop liking the manual stimulation - a lot of people get suddenly more sensitive after orgasm. Also, don't give up on vibrators, there is a learning curve. It's really easy to numb yourself out with a vibrator and you don't usually start off with it right on your clit anyway. If you are really sensitive even around your clit is too much, start outside your vaginal lips, on a low setting, or on your mons. It might also not be the right vibrator for you, they are all different. Definitely get something with variable settings, and something high quality. It's worth spending the money just once. Fun Factory or similar. Make it playful, make it fun, not a depressing exercise in failure. Have your boyfriend help and use it on him. And since you don't masturbate (I know it's a frustrating endeavor, if you start off with a goal of orgasming and never get there, and your upbringing might have something to do with the lack of masturbation as well, as well as all this emotional pressure you feel about not being able to orgrasm) you aren't going to know what you need, so it's going to take longer for you to learn how to use the vibe. If you aren't aroused and deeply into it, of course attempts at masturbation are going to feel like touching your elbow or anything else. Your boyfriend can help (or maybe porn). The manual stimulation you are talking about - is it you doing it or him? If it's him, why not try doing it yourself for a while with him there with you, working on the rest of you, getting and keeping you hot? You need to learn your own body to find out what you need. Don't worry about freezing up (muscle-wise) before you come (this is normal), breathe deep, be relaxed and happy, and turn it into play, not punishment. I think it would be hard to come from sex, or from someone else's handiwork, if you can't do it yourself. Not impossible, just really really unlikely. There were a bunch of threads on this in the past, I know I posted and freikja did, several other people too, I'll search and post some more. Don't be sad about it! You are having great sex, which is more than a lot of people can say, and your boyfriend is wonderful, which is more than a lot of people can say. You are way ahead of the game in more important things.

    P.S. A guy who has had sex with many many different girls may still be lousy in bed, so don't take his word for it.

    BasementDweller3 answered in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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    For me, what worked was finding the right kinds of stories. If you can spend a couple of afternoons, reading through stories at Literotica , while touching yourself gently (or more firmly if that feels good), maybe you'll find something between porn and erotica that works for you.

    Also, you say you don't like vibrators, but I just want to verify that you've tried the plug-in kind, like the Hitachi Magic Wand. That's the only vibrator that does anything for me.

    jessmv answered in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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  • Calico_tortoiseshell_small
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    paeonia

    What goes through your head as you are being pleasured or touching yourself? If it's not some fantasy that gets hotter and hotter, I would start there.

    If you're applying constant stimulation and it's not getting you to climax, try stopping the stimulation just as it's getting good. Pause, start up again. Repeat. Build up the feel-good sensations this way. (Also, it gives your lady-parts a chance to not get so stimulated that it becomes painful (or numb).) (Also, forgive me if anything I've said so far makes you think "duh!".)

    "It feels kind of the same as touching my own knee or arm."
    Are you applying fingers directly on the clitoris? If I touch my clit with my fingers, the dominant impression in my brain is the feeling my fingers receive, like, "hey there's my clit, gee clits are funny things, what an odd little nub". But if I touch it over my underwear, my fingers just feel cloth and my brain gets bored with that and quickly shifts to what my clit feels, which is more like "ooh, what's that? something is gently caressing me, what could it be? I'm intrigued..."

    I hate to get all psychologist on you (especially since I'm not one), but I can't help but wonder if your history has given you some mental block that keeps your brain from giving in and letting you orgasm. (I blame the Dr. Phil episode I recently unintentionally watched.)

    "[...] I usually show most of the physical reactions his previous girlfriends showed about two minutes before getting off [...]" I don't know if you/him mean literally 2 minutes, but to me that seems like a very long pre-orgasm stage. In other words, I don't think you can tell that far beforehand that climax is nearly guaranteed.

    paeonia answered in Lady Sex about 1 year ago | Report
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