Am I the only one who thinks the holidays are a big pit of despair? for Questionland Seattle

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Am I the only one who thinks the holidays are a big pit of despair?

I've never been a big fan of the holidays. The past few years have been especially bad. My mom passed away in Feb '09 and my marriage fell apart shortly thereafter. Christmas advertising and hoopla is a constant reminder of how lonely I am. I would love to ignore the holidays altogether, but I have a 6-year-old who would feel seriously jipped. Anyone else hating life this time of year?

sunnydaze asked in Whatever about 1 year ago | Report

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Rev.Enant

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As Westley said (and he knows a thing or two about the Pit of Despair):
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in the world...."

no wait, oops! the appropriate quote is

"so it's to be torture? I can cope with torture"

You should actually watch that movie... (I don't mean to mock your pain. (Life is pain, though, right?) - all the best true love stories have healing powers, IMO.

Honestly, you've survived the proverbial fireswamp (losing your mom and marriage), so indeed, you must be very brave. The holidays are torture on those going through grief. But it's not worse than what you've been through, so you can & will endure.
Pull friends and other family (and especially that precious 6 year old) close to you, share time and laughs with them as often as you can fit in, and remind yourself that those dark lonely feelings can shrink, even if they aren't meant to entirely disappear yet.
Distract yourself with books, movies, etc like Bauhaus suggested. Nothing beats warm cookies and a good book.
It'll take time. It takes a miracle, and you don't wanna rush a miracle. It doesn't get easier right away, especially since this is just the 2nd xmastime you've gone through without mom. Maybe several xmas seasons will come and go before you get to one where you realize "oh hey, I didn't get all bummed out this year like before" ...or least not to the same degree.

I know everyone's probably telling you "I understand, I get it", and then reminding you that patience is required. Well, regarding the first thing, they have no fawking idea what your actual experience is: only you actually and truly understand. That's the nature of grief, IMO.

But the patience thing is pretty well researched - it's true...

Grandpa: Wait, just wait.
The Grandson: Well, when does it get good?
Grandpa: Keep your shirt on, and let me read.

Rev.Enant answered in Whatever about 1 year ago | Report

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Kristin Bell

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There's not really any way to make you feel less alone or to bring back your mom.

However, if you want something to do with your kid that is holiday related, I would say try watching all those old holiday cartoon things like Jack Frost, Rudolph, Charlie Brown, The Year without a Santa Claus, Frosty, Santa Claus is Coming to Town...you know, the ones from the late 60's-early '70's with the stop-motion or classic cartooning. They are quite heart-warming even if you are an adult.

It is okay to be grieving your mom and your marriage. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to like the holidays, but if you like, maybe start some kind of new tradition (or bring back an old one) with your kid. Passing along knowledge or traditions from prior generations is one way of keeping parts of a person alive even when they are gone.

The holidays are a big pit of despair for a LOT of people. You are NOT alone in that. In fact, the holidays are a stressful time of year for MOST people. Just get through it the best you can. Do what you can for your kid, but you don't need to go all gung-ho if you don't want to. Talk to your kid about grandma and what she meant/means to you. Tell your kid about what it was like when you were a kid during the holidays. I don't know, these are just ideas.

You could probably distract yourself by doing crafty sort of things with your kid too...like making paper chains or popcorn chains or making ornaments or snowflakes, that sort of thing.

Kristin Bell answered in Whatever about 1 year ago | Report

3 comments by Rev.Enant, Kristin Bell, and sunnydaze…

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(Ms. Bell, you are on fire lately - this is a lovely answer about grief and dealing with the helly-daze. Brava!)

Sunny: seriously try these. Much better than drowning your sorrows or bah humbuggery.

Rev.Enant commented about 1 year ago | Report

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thanks rev! you made my day! :)

Kristin Bell commented about 1 year ago | Report

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Thanks so much, guys. I think Princess Bride will be on the future viewing list as well. The kid hasn't seen that one yet.

sunnydaze commented about 1 year ago | Report

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Bauhaus

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The easy answer is to just pretend that the holidays are someone else's gig. Don't let the joke that Christmas has become get you down. BUT you said you have a kid. That changes the playing field a bit.

My advice: Don't get too revved up about the holidays and you won't be let down by their shortcomings. Keep Santa for the young one, but kids enjoy $100 Christmases just as much as they dig the $1000 ones. And it's a wonderful teaching tool about expectations. Try to keep it real for you and your little one and don't let TV's definition of a joyous holiday season get you down. It's utter bullshit, you know. No one really has that kind of a Norman Rockwell holiday anymore. The world has gotten too complex for that.

So sorry about your mother, but I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to grieve forever.

Just do what you feel is right for you and the kid and do simple holiday stuff that you enjoy: a movie perhaps, a nice meal, a sheet or two of great cookies. You can be upbeat without having to be one of Santa's helper elves, you know?

Best wishes, Sunny. Cheer up. You aren't alone.

Bauhaus answered in Whatever about 1 year ago | Report

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