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• Reputation: 2173 Q&A: 44 0 19 988 85 2 Classifieds: 0 0 what's this? Follow Following 2 MyrnaMinkoff

  5 0 There's a difference between a live-in boyfriend and a second husband. Are you guys going in that direction? When I was in my junior year of high school, my mom's longterm relationship with her (mostly) live-in boyfriend came to an abrupt end, for reasons that might affect any relationship: things just weren't working out. He didn't have children of his own, and was counselled by his (childless) friends to "make a clean break of it." I came home from school one day, and he was gone. He'd moved out his stuff, and my mom was devastated, heartbroken. My sister and I were devastated, too. The day after he left, I called him and cried into the phone: "How could you leave without saying goodbye?" Though he thought he'd just been having a relationship with my mom, he had become a parent, too. He would sometimes drive me to school in the mornings, and we would joke around in the kitchen while making dinner. I felt like he "got" me as a teenager in a way that my mom never did, and that I could always speak frankly with him. In short, I loved him as a member of my family, and the loss was as significant to me as to my mom. This is a cautionary tale. If this man is a part of your life and a part of your children's life, he should be all in, emotionally. No, he's not your kids' father, but as an adult who is involved intimately in your homelife, he has become a defacto parent, too. It doesn't negate their relationship with their dad, and if anything, gives them another role model, another adult in their lives who cares about their happiness and well-being. I've never understood the logic that a child only has room in their heart for two parents; both my parents are now re-married to wonderful people, who I feel lucky to have as part of my family. MyrnaMinkoff answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report Comment on this answer Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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• Reputation: 4209 Q&A: 121 4 6 1581 87 19 Classifieds: 0 0 what's this? Follow Following 5 Russ Campbell, NWEBS

  4 1 You don't mention what age or grades your children are and that may affect how you implement some measures. That being said the most important thing for him to be aware of is to not ever put himself in the position of directing, deciding or disciplining the kids, that is really your role. The simple way is for him to think about his actions and avoid being in the place where the child may answer, "Your not my Dad, you can't tell me what to do." I found ways around not being in that position just by how I addressed and termed my interactions. "Your mother asked me to tell you that she wants the family room cleaned up before you head out to play." "You know it would really help your Mom out if you... " Additionally as skills that I have became important to them it was easier to form my own relationship with them and ask for a certain level of cooperation based on that. Later in their teenage years I was the guy that was involved in helping them in shopping and choosing their first used cars, etc. Now as adults I have my own relationship with them. I am not their Dad, but I have my own history and importance to them. Right now if you want to establish specific responsibilities where he can play that role then it has to be discussed between you and your children at a calm time and repeated several times so that they clearly understand your wishes. This should also be supported by your ex-husband (so that instances do not become a part of child/ex-husband communication gripe sessions about the "boyfriend"). This obviously will be a process in flux as you find the best definition of his role. As far as attending meetings with teachers, if he is serving a significant role in helping them with their school assignments and tutoring during homework sessions then it seems clear he should be involved there. I would expect that would make sense to the kids also. The responsibility of being a proper role model and adult figure in their lives is a tall one and as long as he takes it seriously and works from a position of thinking and even over-thinking the situations he will find the right course. The best rule of thumb is to be sure that emotions (raised voices, getting in the way, getting in the face, becoming the authoritarian is never a part of it). It is very hard to undue the memory of a mistake in that role. There is always time to postpone the situation and work it out later with you involved. Russ Campbell, NWEBS answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report Comment on this answer Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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