1 Answer

• Reputation: 1195 Q&A: 21 0 13 542 42 3 Classifieds: 0 0 what's this? Follow Following 2 Sphinx

  4 0 This is just a guess, but I think maybe when you start giving him tips and tricks, getting involved, or push him toward exploring further, he might start to feel like a) you expect some particular outcome from him that he might not be capable of living up to, b) it becomes more like homework than something he really gets to do for FUN, and c) it's not "his" anymore/ or you're trying to take over. Kids, especially kids his age, don't like feeling like you're telling them what to do. I know that around his current age I started getting really interested in music and learning how to play my flute well, but when my mom got really into it, wanted to listen to me practicing and started buying me music books, I felt like she was ruining it. I backed off, became embarrassed, and didn't even want to go to my lessons anymore. So, maybe you should give the boy some space to explore his interests and pretty much ignore what he's doing until he asks for your input/assistance. I want to be clear here, I know you are trying to be helpful and supportive, I just think the kid might benefit from a little space. If you want to encourage his interests, make sure the raw materials (books, camera, list of useful websites) are around and within his reach, but make sure you don't push them on him and you don't make an activity that he may want to be completely his own something that he has to do with you or report to you about. I think that sooner or later if he's really interested he will come to you for help or just to talk about it, show off his stuff, or goof around, but you have to let him get there first. Sphinx answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report 3 comments by Joe Shapiro, Sphinx, and Sphinx… 0 0 Thanks for taking the time to reply, Sphinx. I've left out one important detail - which I'm afraid may lead to an answer along the lines of "get professional help." But my original tack hasn't elicited what I was looking for so... this boy is "on the spectrum." He used to be pretty severely impaired but now, through lots of work by both professionals and his parents, he's quite functional. However, it SEEMS to me like he might be stuck. He's got a certain level of mastery for some tasks but seems like he's afraid to venture beyond these. He's been encouraged to reach beyond these and told that making mistakes is a good thing - and the best way to learn. Even so, when presented with a difficulty, he tends to retreat rather than push on. This is true in both his school work and outside of school. I think that he would be helped quite a bit by feeling the process of going from novice to journeyman - of feeling what it's like to work at something and "get good at it." I don't think it really matters what it is - just so long as he gets a feel for "if I practice I can get better at it" as opposed to "if I'm not good at it from the first try I'll never be good at it." I'm concerned that just "giving him space" will result in him continuing with the familiar and not reaching out to the world. Joe Shapiro commented about 1 year ago | Report 1 0 Does "on the spectrum" mean on the autism spectrum? If so, my thoughts come from someone with lots of experience with kids, but zero specific experience with the issues a (mildly or severely) autistic child might face, so I hope I don't offend and I may be quite off base. I also see that just leaving him to his own devices might be the wrong thing to do in this case. Is it possible that you could give him some choices about an easy extracurricular class/activity group to join, or is he too uncomfortable with strangers for this to be a good idea? Mastery of tasks, in my experience, comes from starting somewhere the child is incredibly comfortable and progressing slowly, so he can receive a lot of positive feedback and success before moving to a more challenging level, which I why I suggest something easy. The other thing I would suggest is trying to make progress fun by rewarding effort rather than results- if we're talking about school, for example, keep track of every time he gets his homework done and turned in on time and lead up to a reward (20 successfully completed and turned-in assignments, one trip to the movies or one new book or whatever he would think is really cool). Or in the case of an extra-curricular like film-making, maybe say, "Hey, I noticed you seem interested in this lately. I want to spend some time with you this weekend, and here are some ideas I had about projects we could do. Do you want to pick one to do with me? " If you present him with choices and then do what HE picks, it becomes more fun. Also, involve him in the whole process- if he picks doing a 5-minute film, have him help you look for props at Goodwill, plan the script, hold the camera for shots with you in them and then be in the film when you're holding the camera. Also, sometimes it is easier to try re-creating or spoofing a favorite film/joke/story the first time around, so he doesn't necessarily have to stress about telling a great original story in addition to trying to learn how to use your camcorder. Or, if he picks the option of watching PIXAR's short films dvd, be happy with this choice too, but engage him in it by asking him non yes-or-no questions like "Which one was your favorite? Did you notice how in the first one there were a lot of characters, but the second one only had one character? How did that change how you felt about the story? Why do you think they made the story happen in a forest instead of a city?" Also, I know this is not really what you asked for, but I think it's worth a mention. If your child is really struggling with school, it may be worth getting him involved in another academic program. I work for Kumon, a math and reading tutoring center with independent curriculum, where each student has his own unique lesson plan. Students that work with us spend 15-40 minutes a day on Kumon work and come in to the center to work with tutors once or twice a week. Kumon is oriented toward self-directed learning, which means that while students get all the support and guidance they need from the tutors, they are usually able to learn the concepts themselves, which creates an enormous feeling of self-efficacy. We also operate on the principle of mastery I mention above, start with easy work and build confidence, and reward children for effort rather than perfection in the products of effort. I've seen so many children really blossom within our program that I can't help but suggest it when I hear of a struggling child. There's no competition with other students, almost no negative feedback, and the curriculum really does foster independence, self-motivation, and great academic skills. (I currently work at the Phinney Ridge Kumon, which is owned and operated by instructor Marty Paulson, but I have also worked for Jeannie Ianelli at the University Village Kumon, and can attest to the quality of both instructors.) I don't mean for this to sound like a sales pitch (I receive no financial benefit from any student's enrollment), it just sounds like your son may benefit from a similar service to the one Kumon offers. Sphinx commented about 1 year ago | Report 0 0 Also, if you can foster your son's self-confidence in one area or activity, it will magically start to transfer to other areas of his life. For example, if he finds a sport loves to play, odds are he will start feeling more engaged with and confident about his academic responsibilities, too. It's the sense of self-worth that comes from achievement, not the achievement itself, that I think really helps children grow into happier and stronger people. A way you can foster that sense of self-worth is to give him tasks he can accomplish, let him actually do them himself, and then praise him sincerely by pointing out his progress. Sphinx commented about 1 year ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

  Share this answer with a friend: