Should I worry that my 4-year-old tries to negotiate everything? for Questionland Seattle

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Should I worry that my 4-year-old tries to negotiate everything?

Even when I am offering her something that she really wants, my little lawyer's first response is to try to negotiate a better deal. ME: "Want to go to the park?" SHE: "How about the park and then the pool?" Or, ME: "You need to pick up your toys now." SHE: "I won't unless you play with me." Not that I don't appreciate her empowerment, but it's driving me crazy!

JellyBelly asked in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report

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It certainly is a good tool to learn, but two thoughts.

1) Being so young it is certainly seen as a technique of empowerment by her and not one of give-and-take. You can teach her that by being the shrewd negotiator also. "OK, the park and the pool, but first you clean up all of your toys in your room and hang up your clothes" or "I don't have time to play with your right now, but don't forget we might have ice cream for dessert tonight IF your toys are all picked up." (*You get the picture*)

2) Not everything is negotiable and you can make that clear by declaration at those times when you want to be the one directing the activity and its parameters. Reminder: You are the adult!

Russ Campbell, NWEBS answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report

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Squirrel Girl

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It's pretty normal to try to negotiate everything at that age. At least I hope so, as my daughter was the same way. I have to admit I wasn't crazy about the behavior, so I definitely went after it. My strategy for dealing was to shut the negotiation down by restricting her alternatives in response to her trying to widen them. If she asked for the park and then the pool, I would respond with "How about the park or nothing? Right now I'm leaning towards nothing." Eventually she tested it, I followed through a couple of times, and then she really dialed it down.

I don't think negotiation skills are bad in and of themselves, but we did spend a lot of time talking about when it's appropriate. I gave her opportunities to make choices between activities; but made it clear that when I told her to do something, it wasn't open to argument or bargaining. Now that she's ten, I'm really glad I spent the time on this. :)

Good luck! I remember this age fondly; you're actually really moving into a fun time soon. (Assuming you didn't already know this.)

Squirrel Girl answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report

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Sphinx

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I agree with Squirrel Girl. Many activities in a child's life are non-negotiable, but you can often give your child power and independence by offering options as to how or in what order the necessary activities need to be accomplished. (Examples: "You have to clean up your toys right now, do you want to listen to the Skippy John Jones book on cd or music while you do it? We are going to have lunch right now, do you want peanut butter and jelly or turkey and cheese? Today we have to go to the grocery store and the library, what do you want to do first?") For fun-only activities, like the pool and the park, you might say, "We are only doing one thing today, which do you want to do today and which on Saturday? If you can't decide, we'll stay home and read a book. "

What it sounds like your daughter is doing is testing out how she much can manipulate you, which is not as sneaky and bad as it sounds- all kids go through this phase. However, it's important that you do establish with your daughter that she needs to listen to you most of the time, respect the decisions that you make, and learn to cheerfully do the things that have to be done (bathtime, bedtime, eating, getting dressed, etc.). If you do not establish these boundaries with your daughter, she will learn that you can be manipulated to always go further than you wanted, and you will end up stressed and frazzled all the time, which leads to lots of negative mother-daughter interactions. It's not necessary that your daughter immediately obey you all the time, but it is necessary that you not develop a relationship in which every time you ask her to do something she pushes back against your requests. If you can establish these flexible but consistent boundaries, your daughter will know she can trust you to be calm and in control and in charge of the plan, and there will be a lot less arguing, fighting, and tantrum-throwing in your future.

Sphinx answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report

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Hi JB,

The first example is negotiation; the second is hostage-taking. Remember you're the parent so you can decide which situations are okay for her to negotiate and which aren't.

"I love you, honey, and this isn't negotiable" is perfectly fine to say.

She won't lose her intellect or skills just because you play the parent, so don't worry about that. But if she thinks things are negotiable she's going to be really unhappy with reality.

Hope this helps.
Margit@MargitCrane.com

margit crane answered in Other Family & Kids 10 months ago | Report

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