Danish_small
Reputation: 13
Follow 0
Follow 1

Am I a jerk for wanting a "real" wedding?

We got married almost 3 years ago. Before we were engaged, we were determined to have our dream wedding without going into debt or accepting money from our parents (mine couldn't have contributed anyway). We'd just saved up enough for the ring we wanted when he was laid off...it was a disaster for us because his legal status was tied to his employment. He had 14 days to find another job or leave the country. We took our ring fund, hired a lawyer, got legally married at the courthouse and immediately filed paperwork for a green card. It was a tense time and we worried a lot, and I realized that having a dream wedding was far less important than getting to be with the one you love.

Fast forward to now. He is naturalized, I'm almost done with medical school, we have our house and our dog and some money put by. We are are happy...except that I can't pass by a wedding boutique without feeling aching regrets. At every wedding I've attended ever since, I've bawled like a baby, not because my friends/cousin were so beautiful (they were!), but because I was shredded with jealousy. We didn't have a ring, a dress, a party, or a honeymoon. There aren't any photos. I long to have those sweet memories that all my friends and family had when they got married, but instead all I remember is how scared I was of losing the love of my life.

Am I a jerk for wanting a do-over wedding? Is it stupid for me to want a dress and flowers and photos and jewelry and for all my friends and family to get together to stroke my ego for a day? I know that wanting it is absurd and I should be grateful for what I have, but I can't help myself.

Stiny asked in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report

Answer this question or share it with a smart friend:

Avatar_default
Type your answer here…

Asker's Favorite

  • Headshot_small
    Reputation: 27
    Follow 0
    Rebecca Pigeon

    First off, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. Weddings mean different things to different people. I think you might think it's about your ego, but I doubt that it is that simple. To me, the most memorable weddings bring together all of the friends and family that will support a couple as tackle the more difficult task of marriage. It sounds like you and your husband faced substantial odds in getting just the two of you together. Perhaps that is part of your grief, that you never got the feel the collective love of your well wishers.

    Whatever your reasons for wanting a wedding, life is just too short not to remedy those regrets that can be remedied. Have the wedding. My one caution is this: the parts and pieces of the wedding do not make the wedding. Don’t focus solely on them and don’t expect perfection. You will have to let go of the idea that this will replace the stressful set of circumstances that brought about your court house wedding. And you may find the perfect dress but it might pour down rain on your big day. Be gracious with yourself and with others. Spend some time thinking about how to include your friends and families and what kind of sentiment you want to express. Ultimately, those are the things that will be remembered.

    Best wishes to you.

    Rebecca Pigeon answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    Comment on this answer
    Share this answer with a friend:
Latest Greatest

5 Other Answers

  • Img_2915_small
    Reputation: 99
    Follow 0

    Nope. I am not legally married anywhere but I really wanted the wedding. So we had one. I think the straight people are so confused as to who can marry where and when for all I know they all thought it was a legal wedding.

    do it, Its fun. I loved the whole experience.

    Womyn2me answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    1 comment by Stiny…
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • 24601_396786103856_596658856_4037100_6320993_n_small
    Reputation: 42
    Follow 0

    Do it! You are actually in a pretty sweet position without realizing it. Weddings are a great way to bring family and friends together in a way that is more meaningful than just a summer party. Stories are shared, drunk bonding can happen, and it's a milestone.
    Because you have already done the legal part you can skip the stress of The Downsides: commitment panic, expense panic, and family issues rising up from the deep past. I don't think you should feel bad about wanting to celebrate with your family and friends now that you have the opportunity to do so.


    Jen Gay answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    Comment on this answer
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Medium_2868373187_b2c11c89cf_o_small
    Reputation: 2266
    Follow 2

    If you can afford it - go for it.

    It sounds like you have bought hook, line, and sinker the whole "wedding" story that young girls are told is the MOST important moment of their entire life - but whatever, if you can afford to have the wedding without ruining your life its not that much for something that means this much to you.

    Basil answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    3 comments by Stiny, Basil, and Stiny…
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Subcultureoftwo_small
    Reputation: 1892
    Follow 4

    I have at least 3 friends who married outside of their nationality, who had quick civil ceremonies to get the paperwork/Visa stuff going, but then had big wedding parties later so they could enjoy the festivities and so all their friends and families could celebrate with them. It's not selfish at all. You rushed through the legal part for some very real matters of convenience, but that doesn't mean that you can't have any fun too.

    Since you're already married in the eyes of the law, this ceremony can be much less stressful. Announce it as a commitment ceremony. Have a friend do the vows. Worry less about wedding norms, and just do whatever you want to make it a fun and memorable day.

    The best part of my wedding was having all my friends and family in one place for one day, which will probably never happen again. It was fantastic. Don't feel guilty.

    Sacrelicious answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    Comment on this answer
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Cori_ready_small
    Reputation: 32
    Follow 0

    Do it! Have fun! You are never a jerk for wanting to celebrate!

    Hire a wedding planner! Make sure to be careful not to expect too much from friends and family on the day of the event. If they do too many tabletop arrangements they will be too tired to get crazy on the dance floor and try to take shots with your Grandma.

    Go forth into your big day!

    Cori Ready answered in Weddings about 1 year ago | Report
    Comment on this answer
    Share this answer with a friend: