What is the general consensus on emotional infidelity? Should it be treated like physical infidelity, or differently? for Questionland Seattle

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What is the general consensus on emotional infidelity? Should it be treated like physical infidelity, or differently?

This subject has come up recently in my current relationship. Long story short, my bf used to sleep with this girl while he was in another relationship (cheating on his gf at the time with this girl). They've stayed casual friends, never hung out, until recently. She has crashed at his place afterbar on the couch a couple of times and I have the ickiest feeling about that, given the history that he has with this girl. I don't think he would betray me physically, but I did express that I'm not comfortable with just the two of them hanging out and becoming intimate friends because I think it makes the situation vulnerable to emotional infidelity. My argument is also that I feel in a monogamous relationship it is both people's responsibilities to avoid a situation where infidelity is possible, even if neither person has any intention of cheating on any level, I think it's courteous and respectful of the relationship to not even put yourself in that sort of a mix. He disagrees with me (of course) and I'm just curious for outside opinions: Am I in the right? Or should I just let him be friends with her, be ok with her crashing on his couch, and ok with them becoming closer friends?

grlndingadvice asked in Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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I hate to admit it now, but I was totally on your boyfriend's side of the argument back when I first met my husband. I was friends with a lot of guys, which was not such a big deal for him, including some exes, which was.

When he insisted I ditch the exes, as a prerequisite to continuing our relationship, I did NOT get it. In retrospect, I am a bit embarrassed about how hard I fought him on it at first. I hadn't really looked at relationships very seriously before him, and the process of learning how to see his side of the argument really deepened my understanding of intimacy in the end.

My perspective now is that you are, of course, totally in the right on this, but also keeping in mind that your bf might really and truly have thought it was no big deal. If he has agreed to stop seeing her, and does follow through, it may end up being something that brings you closer together. If he won't bend, or if he keeps seeing her behind your back, he isn't really ready to be a solid, monogamous partner.

Squirrel Girl answered in Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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Thank you so much! I was waiting for someone from the other side of things to speak up...cuz as much as I want to protect myself I do know that he is someone who is friends with a lot of girls and in general really is just a nice guy...so that makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt. So far things have been good and I hope they continue to...I know that he has agreed to not hang out with her, but for now I think it was basically to get to shut up...I hope that in the future he gains insight and truly understands why this was important and always will be.

I have to ask, what was it that made you realize where your now husband was coming from? Did you guys talk about it more, did you just wake up and realize it one day, or did you wind up in his shoes at one point? I'm just curious, thanks again for the perspective. :)

grlndingadvice commented about 1 year ago | Report

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Honestly, it was a gradual process of realizing that the kind of partnership my future husband wanted was much deeper than what I was used to. I kind of started to get the idea that if it was eventually going to be him and I "against the world," always having each other's backs, I was going to have to let go of people who might get in the way of that. We both had to make sacrifices of certain aspects of single life to start a new life together. Basically I needed to mature a little, and make the decision that we were planning a future. It wasn't easy, it involved a LOT of communication, and I definitely did start out just wanting him to shut up about it, but it all worked out well in the end.

Good luck to you guys! I am glad to hear that he's listening to you. That's the first step for sure.

Squirrel Girl commented about 1 year ago | Report

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He's full of it. Especially since this person isn't even an ex-girlfriend, which would be bad enough; she's just an ex-sex buddy. And since their whole MO is cheating on his real girlfriend, they get absolutely no slack at all. She goes or he goes. In fact, I think given his attitude so far, he just goes.

Fnarf answered in Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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He sounds like he doesn't really care if this makes you uncomfortable and it seems like you don't trust him and given his history, this is understandable.

I think "emotional" affairs can be more damaging than physical ones - sex can be just about sex and not much more. A betrayal, but an emotional affair is more - it's about really liking/loving the other person, as much as or more than the partner.

It can make the betrayed person feel really bad about themselves, unimportant, damage self esteem in a more core way than a physical affair.

Regardless, not respecting your partners wishes in this department is just plain mean and selfish.

If he's a newish BF, I'd dump him.

Amy Lang answered in Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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That's exactly what I told him...this all happened a couple of days ago by the way, he has conceded to my wishes since this has come up and has said he will no longer hang out with her or contact her. I can do nothing at this point but wait for time to tell.

I guess I just wanted other people in on this who are neutral because he totally pulled the thing where he made me feel possessive for being upset about this. I was very clear that I wouldn't care if it was a truly platonic friend, who has always been nothing more but a friend, it's just this one girl that I wasn't ok with.

I guess the other advice that I'm asking for is what sort of behavior should I look for from here on? Because before this has come up we've been great, this was our first real fight I'd say (we've been together going on 7 months), and he does have at least a hand full of girls for friends which I have no problem with, so I'm almost curious if he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong? While I want to trust him and from now on until proven otherwise I'm going to, I'm also not naive and know that he could full well go behind my back and talk to her, or just tell me what I want to hear. Any advice on what I should look for? Because I am willing to move forward with the relationship for now because it is very possible to get over something like this. I'd appreciate a response :)

grlndingadvice commented about 1 year ago | Report

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Well, trust your gut. If something seems off, it probably is. And if this is the first fight in 7 months, it bodes well.

I know this isn't entirely helpful - but it's hard to know, because he could go behind your back, etc.

Do your friends like him? Does your family? If they don't, I'd pay attention.

Are you being a possessive nut? You'll need to watch your behavior too. My guess is not - considering his history with this woman, you were right to be worried.

If you think he's hiding things (and you don't have a history of suspecting BFs of this kind of thing and going all coo-coo on them) then he probably is.

Amy Lang commented about 1 year ago | Report

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You are totally right on this one. It's not about emotional infidelity at all - it's about respect. NOBODY who was worth dating would ever allow a situation like that to develop, let alone later blame YOU as overreacting on the situation.

This relationship isn't going to work you - he has a lot of growing up to do. You are better off moving on now and saving yourself the emotional hurt that he is going to inflict on you.

Basil answered in Relationships about 1 year ago | Report

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