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• Reputation: 157 Q&A: 1 0 5 47 10 0 Classifieds: 0 0 what's this? Expert: 1 topic Family & Kids Follow Following 0 Cheryl

  3 0 That's a tough one, and while it is not an area of professional expertise, I've been there personally. Here's 10 things I learned: 1) If possible make sure kids have equal time with each parent and don't let them wiggle out of time with either. When I divorced and entered a new relationship way too soon, I gave my 12-year-old the option of staying where she felt most comfortable given her closeness to friends (I moved 8 miles away). Big mistake. She took me up on it and three years later she now tells me that she felt abandoned by me. We talk easily about it now and she is with me now as well, but it was a painful time. I thought that was what she wanted, but what she really wanted was for me to push back and tell her "I love you too much not to fight to have you equal time". 2) Kids will "favor" one parent or the other depending on how they are feeling in a day or what they want and will start to pit parents against each other. I think this is human nature, because it has happened to everyone I know who has gone through it. The parent perceived as "the one who left" or "the one who caused the divorce" may get a lot of angst tossed at them. Tell them you understand they are upset and that you are always happy to sit down and talk about why the divorce is necessary. Best if you can do it with the other parent present. Always put up a united front: "We decided....this is the best choice for both of us and we think for you so that we all have the chance to reach our full potential." 3) Set the same rules -- curfew, attitude-checks, consequences, TV time, etc--at both homes. Keep open lines with your ex about how they are being enforced and STICK to them! We have different rules for a while and it was chaos. Kids, even teens, need structure, especially if they are shuttling back and forth. And by the way, make things EASY in that shuffle by investing in close and toiletries at both houses so they do not feel like vagabonds. 4) Give your kids a metro pass and let them show you they are independent by learning the bus system. This helped my daughter to see our divorce as a form of new independence for her. She travels back and forth between us now easily and loves the freedom. She must call or text us whenever she is on a bus and must check in with one of us every couple of hours. 5) Consider monthly family meetings to check in and see how rules, feelings etc are going. Don't let your teens bag out and set the expectation that they must bring three pros and cons of their experience to each meeting. Give them power in these meetings to run the meeting or set some ground rules of their own. A friend of mine also has Family Dinner once a week with her ex, his companion, her companion and the kids. All must be there. It has done wonders for relationships. 6) Do NOT talk ill of your ex and do not let the kids do it. Even if he or see is a piece of work, they are your kids' parent. Be respectful at all times as a model to your teens. 7) Set specific homework time, curfew, attendance at meals rules and stick to them. Otherwise, let them spend ample time with friends and in activities. I made the mistake of not demanding my teens sit down to dinner and their dad did -- and let me tell you he got the better of the deal. 8) If you start to see rebellious or disrespectful behavior, sliding grades, self-abuse, insist on counseling, EARLY. Divorce is a grief process any way you cut it. Give them a place away from you to grouse and rage -- and learn coping skills. 9) BEFRIEND YOUR EX. Even if you can't stand him or her. You don't have to live with him or her any more so what's the point in fighting? Your solidarity, especially around the kids will go MILES in helping them adjust. 10) Talk to them. A lot. And listen more than you talk. REALLY, listen MORE. Validate your teens experience and perspective and show them you learn from them as they learn from you. Neither of you is the expert in divorce. Cheryl answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report 2 comments by lilmonster206 and madrona… 0 0 Thank you so much for the thoughtful answer. lilmonster206 commented about 1 year ago | Report 0 0 Wow, these are all exactly right. I can concur on the number 1 point; I also had a 12 year old, and had exactly the same thing happen. We didn't really get past the estrangement until she was in college. The number 3 point (same rules at each house) is definitely ideal but not always possible. My ex calmly told me that one of the benefits of not being married to me anymore was that he didn't have to deal with my values / beliefs anymore. And that how he ran his house was his business, as long as our daughter's basic needs were being met. What can you do? The number 6 point, not to speak ill of the ex, was absolutely crucial. The thing to remember is, your child identifies with both parents. So if you criticize the ex, your child will feel criticized and unloved. Best of luck to you and your kid(s)! madrona commented about 1 year ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  1 0 One other item, in addition to the points already made so beautifully by Cheryl: Even if you're having a rough day, DO NOT use your children as confidantes. When they're teens, sometimes they'll make an effort to take the fellow-adult friend role. Don't fall for it. They really don't want to know any details of your love life or relationship pain. Really. They want to know that you're handling yourself and that you're still the grownup. I mean, if you had a hellish day at work and then burned dinner, sure, go ahead and make a bid for sympathy and help. But if you got a nasty email from your ex and you're bursting from the injustice of it, bite your tongue. You can just say, "yeah, it's been a tough day. I think I'll go to bed early tonight, so I'll be ready for tomorrow." And then you can lock yourself in your room, turn on some music, and cry absolutely silently. madrona answered in Other Family & Kids about 1 year ago | Report Comment on this answer Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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