Should children be allowed to be in the room as a parent or grandparent passes? for Questionland Seattle

Reputation: 70

Should children be allowed to be in the room as a parent or grandparent passes?

Is there an age when this experience is a benefit and when it could be damaging to a child's emotional well-being? A friend of mine is on this cusp and asked my advice. I was stumped. I just don't know whether it's good or bad to have kids kids aged 3, 7 and 10 witness death.

MissMolly asked in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Answer this question or share it with a smart friend:

Type your answer here…

Latest Greatest

6 Answers

Reputation: 285

Follow 0

3 0

Let them in. Be honest. They can take it.

Both of my parents died this year. I was in the room for my dad, my sister was in the room for my mom. I don't know how she feels, but I feel tremendously guilty and regretful for not being there for my mom. I'm 32 now, but I can't imagine it being any different than when I was a kid and I was too sad to go look at my grandmother's body at her funeral: now I regret that, and I wish I could have said goodbye to her face.

Death is a part of life, and sheltering kids from life is more damaging, I think, than not.

Miss Foxtrot answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Comment on this answer

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 2052

Follow 4

Griffin

3 0

I think it would be more damaging to children to not watch a parent pass. It's a parent, after all. This is not to say that children who attend at a deathbed won't be upset about the passing of a loved one--they likely will. But, it can allow everyone involved to make final goodbyes and bring about a sense of closure. I know, am related to, and am part of that group myself, a large number of people who, for whatever reason, could not be present when a close family member died. Nearly all of us regret not being able to be there, even if it wasn't physically possible.

It is upsetting to lose someone close to you, but blocking children from death (which happens to us all, eventually) seems to me to be stunting their emotional development. Shielding kids from death now doesn't mean that they won't witness it in another form, either--pets die, classmates and other relatives could get deathly ill or have accidents, car accidents in the news, etc.

Take any instance of death as a lesson in how to grieve and remember. As with anyone, though, watch for signs of complicated grief. A cousin-in-law of mine is about 10, and one of his classmates died of leukemia, which sent the boy into a tailspin that lasted over a year and required counseling to get him out of. I've also seen 40 year old relatives do the same thing.

Griffin answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Comment on this answer

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 1195

Follow 2

Sphinx

1 0

I think that this is a pretty personal question and that there isn't necessarily a 'right' answer- maybe not even an answer that applies to all three of your children. I can confidently say, though, that I don't think you should ban any of your children from being in the room when a loved one passes, unless that's the desire of the person who is dying.

The first thing to consider is what the child's perspective and temperament is- do they seem scared about the situation, do they have some understanding of what is occurring, do they want to be in the room or are they too upset? Are they old enough to remember the event or remember being excluded from the experience? If they're old enough to remember and they want to be there, I absolutely think they should be allowed. There's nothing like the feeling that you didn't get to say goodbye to a loved one- they'll be angry, resentful, and feel guilty all of their lives. I think children's emotions are often treated as less important or less powerful than adults', and it's really important to acknowledge how powerfully children feel, especially about something as major as losing a loved one. To deny them access to their parent or grandparent while he or she is dying might make them feel like their grief is being treated as less real or important to deal with than that of the other family members.

Second, can you handle it? Are you (or another important adult) in a position to care for and pay attention to them while the death is happening or are they going to be watching someone die and feeling ignored/alone? Are you prepared to explain beforehand, pay close attention to their needs during, and help them process the experience afterwards? A child shouldn't be expected to deal with a death that is never explained or discussed afterwards- if they are going to be present it should clear that they can talk about and work through their feelings afterwards as often as they need to. The other thing here is that I think that if an important adult in a child's life is dying, the child should be with another very close adult caretaker- so if the whole family is at the hospital or wherever the child should be with them, not with a babysitter.

The first time I lost a close loved one I was 12. My grandfather died in a pretty horrific and totally unexpected accident in the woods, and while I wasn't there when he died, I did see his body in situ shortly after (before it had been moved or cleaned up at all). It was a terrible shock, but I am so thankful that when my family went out to see him I was allowed to come along- that was when I really processed the fact that he was dead, not when I saw him looking so artificial and posed at the funeral home. I did have some bad dreams afterwards, but I think of that night as an important one in my life. I know that I would have felt excluded from an extremely powerful family experience if I hadn't been allowed to see my grandfather's body the night he died.

In general, I'm a pretty big proponent of including your children in every aspect of normal life- both the positive and negative parts, so if I had to boil my answer down, it would be that I think children should be present if someone they love is passing. It's just important to make sure that they have lots of context and support both before and after the event.

Sphinx answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

1 comment by Sphinx…

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 63

Expert: 2 topics

Follow 0

1 0

Like many life experiences, it really depends on the child. It also depends on how the family views death.

I would prepare the child for the death of the grandparent by going to the local library and asking the children's librarian to suggest some books. A parent can gauge a child's "readiness" by their reactions and the questions they ask.

For example, if they're asking questions about whether the ghost will come and surprise them in their dreams, I'd say the child is anxious and shouldn't go.

It also depends on the parents' state of mind regarding death. Will you (the parent) be able to model a calm and accepting manner or will you fall apart? Your reaction will also affect the child.

If it were me, I wouldn't bring my kids and I wouldn't want my young grandchildren to be in the room. Death is very intimate and physical, as is birth, and it can be easily misinterpreted by young children.

margit crane answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Comment on this answer

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 1812

Follow 3

0 0

I think there's a difference between being in the room at the moment of death, and visiting the adult WHILE THEY ARE CONSCIOUS and able to react. Likewise, there's a difference between that and coming in after their passing to view the body.

PS: I wouldn't use the expression ghost when telling a child that Grandma's spirit will be looking down on you from heaven. "Ghosts" have such a negative spin for kids.

O my captain answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Comment on this answer

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 0

Follow 0

0 0

To me it definitely depends on the child - as in every situation the child's maturity and capability to handle emotions will determine if they are able to process watching a loved one pass. I know for my five year old she will bring up movies even that she has seen (Bambi for example) months later that she was bothered by. Actual life events are good growing experiences and it allows us to use situations to talk with our kids about life, death and expressing our feelings. It all goes back to the child - for my Daughter now would not be a good time for her to gain any benefit from being in the room when her grandparent passes but this is something that I am open to just would depend on if I felt she was ready.

TK's Mommy answered in Kid Health & Safety about 1 year ago | Report

Comment on this answer