Q: What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

A: Lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

I have laughed so hard that I had a very hard time breathing, scary!

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because he was dead!

Or this one I heard the other day: A guy is walking down the street when he passes the local insane asylum. He can hear frenzied chanting coming from inside, "THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN!". Curious, he steps up to the gate, where there's a small hole, and puts his eye up to the hole. He's immediately jabbed in the eye with a pencil, and as he runs away in pain he can hear frenzied chanting from inside, "FOURTEEN, FOURTEEN, FOURTEEN!".

Q: What's green and has wheels?

A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Q: how many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?

A: WANNA GO RIDE BIKES!?!?

(And no, I've never micturated upon myself from laughter)

An Irishman walks past a bar.

This one is best told by a 4 year old:

4yr old: Ask me if I am an orange.

Victim: Huh?

4 yr old: Ask me if I am an orange.

Victim: Ok. Are you an orange?

4 yr old: No (in an "are you an idiot?" tone, with eye roll).

It kills me every time.

I also like the one about George W and the dead Brazilians, but the orange one is my all time fave...

The last one that gave me a good laugh was this:

How can you spot an anarchist punk?

All their clothes are black and all their friends are white.

A chicken & an egg were lying in bed smoking. One turned to the other and said: "Well I guess that answered that question."

Q.) What is a hipster's favorite number?

A.) It's pretty obscure. You've probably never heard of it.

What do a bungee jump and prostitute have in common?

They both cost a fair amount, they both last about 5 seconds and if the rubber breaks your f***ed!

well I think it's funny anyway lol

Courtesy of my sister, the pediatrician:

"What kind of bees like milk?"

"Boobees!"

And:

"What did the grape say when it got stepped on?"

"It let out a little wine."

Sorry, I only know terrible jokes.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"The interrupting cow."

"The interrup..." "MOO."

Also, hold your arm straight out with a hand-claw at the end, fingers pointing up. Say "what is this?" Answer: "it's a dead one of THESE." (turn hand over so claw-fingers are pointing down.

Jokester: Knock knock

Chump: Who's there?

Jokester: Control Freak.
(slight pause)
Jokester: Now this is the part where you say "Control Freak who?".

"Knock, Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interupting cow."

"Interupting co...

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Most recently, you've seen this in the cedar cracker ad, but I'd heard it a couple of years before when my kids brought it home from school and had to act it out for me twice before I caught it.

(I laugh 2 myself every time I think of it... which is really embarassing in business meetings when i think of it...)

Made up by my 8 year old daughter:

Q: Why did the hot dog cross the road?
A: To ketchup with the mustard.

How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?

one

What kind of animal dissolves in water?

Polar bears.