How to pick appropriate consequences for failure to listen? for Questionland Seattle

Reputation: 21

How to pick appropriate consequences for failure to listen?

My 9 year old often fails to do what we asked even when we have him repeat it back (e.g., go brush your teeth and 15 minutes later he is playing and says "I didn't hear you" or "I forgot". We have taken away tv , toys and playdates and nothing seems to motivate him to change behavior. He does want to please us so untruths often pass his lips--that's the biggest no no in our house and gets the biggest consequence. But again, no change in behavior. What can we do?

questionmom asked in Other Family & Kids 11 months ago | Report

Answer this question or share it with a smart friend:

Type your answer here…

Latest Greatest

3 Answers

Reputation: 4209

Follow 5

Russ Campbell, NWEBS

3 0

You initially need to get compliance to an immediate task at hand request.

It may seem to be a bit counter intuitive to move to a two step direction (except in this case the second step is always the same). The instruction becomes, "Go brush your teeth and come back and tell me you have done it when you are finished." Set a timer (for yourself) and check on the situation after a reasonable time.

Even though your child may be repeating the instruction back to you he may not be really recording verbal instructions in a lasting way. Some kids are terrible verbal learners, do you see any other aspects of not doing well with verbal information (especially even in a motivating activity)? He may need a visual schedule posted for him showing the tasks he needs to perform (picture and label), what we who have worked with kids like this call a "picture schedule"). It can be a simple checklist in words, photo and word or even photo alone (small photo of toothbrush and toothpaste tube on the counter). There is another component of these self care tasks that are part of expected daily routine and can be seen and treated differently (personal chore schedule) than something less frequent or unique or rare (once a week bringing in the trash cans versus taking a plate of brownies next store for someone's birthday)

If you look this kind of schedule stuff up on the internet don't be turned off by seemingly simplistic stuff that you might think would be insulting to him. There is a wide continuum on how to implement something like this.

How are reports about his ability to follow through with verbal commands delivered at school, in other settings? He may be holding things together just fine and letting down at home because it is the environment where he can be less "on task".

Keep a small record of your observations of how this works and when. If you need some additional help go and speak with the resource room teacher of the school he attends and get more ideas.

Russ Campbell, NWEBS answered in Other Family & Kids 11 months ago | Report

1 comment by Russ Campbell, NWEBS…

0 0

Looking back I guess I completely went after the behavior and not for the stated question of how to pick consequences.

Having said that I believe that your son would probably most likely be able to do as you are asking and something is getting in the way of his ability to perform. Being an OT, I guess I went for modifying the task to get to success rather than think about the end consequences of non-performance.

Russ Campbell, NWEBS commented 11 months ago | Report

Enter your comment or ask a new question

Share this answer with a friend:

Reputation: 63

Follow 0

margit crane

0 0

I recommend this blog post for setting up behavior expectations that work:
http://margitcrane.com/2011/06/child-behavior-a-formula-for-harmony/

You actually have a huge question here. But here are some things that stand out:

1. When you ask him, why does 15 minutes go by? If it's time, it's time. Some kids need more guidance and that's okay.

2. I'm guessing that, without knowing it or intending it, your communication sets him up to lie. So for instance, because he's distracted, instead of asking, "Did you brush your teeth?" which he will lie about if it's not done, have him breathe on you when he's done, or go with him.

He's only 9, it's okay.

I wish I could answer more but this really is a question of tweaking your parenting a bit to fit this child. Not that he should push you around but parenting techniques need to be tailored for the child. It's hard for children to fit your mold.

Hope this helps
I do offer a free 20-min consult if you want to talk.

Margit@MargitCrane.com

margit crane answered in Other Family & Kids 10 months ago | Report

Comment on this answer