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  11 0 Don't laugh, but a few episodes of "What Not To Wear" with Stacy and Clinton might free you up a little. They deal with women in situations like yours all the time. It's quite empowering, really. Fnarf answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 5 comments by Russ Campbell, NWEBS, Just Asking, and Russ Campbell, NWEBS… 3 0 Good suggestion. This is actually a favorite show of my partner. When we met she was one that denied herself the "extras" and that included wardrobe. Over the years she has become a 'shopper extraordinaire' and builds her collection continually from the various outlet stores. She comes home frequently with stories of someone approaching her from work either wanting to know where she bought something or saying "I have that same blouse and i got it on sale for only $50." I always ask her if she told the truth with the answer usually being "I didn't have the heart to tell her I paid $5." Learning the basic rules of how to dress yourself and flatter your own figure is a great exercise. The one part we both are often amazed at is the amount of money they pay on that show for any single item. A dose of reality in translating this to most folks' normal budget allowances is sometimes needed. Russ Campbell, NWEBS commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 I have decent places to buy clothes nearby, but I think I'm afraid to BE in those places. All those mirrors. I can still buy stuff online and be okay about it, so there's one safe place I can trust. I've enjoyed What Not to Wear, so there's hope for me yet! THANK YOU. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report 2 0 Don't go alone! Go with someone that you feel has good taste and will be your advisor on what looks great on you. Some salespeople can do that, but they do work there. Take a trusted friend, maybe your daughter at times. Russ Campbell, NWEBS commented 11 months ago | Report 1 0 Yes! Bring a friend who you can trust to say something looks good or bad on you. I was in your situation and am just recently starting to enjoy wearing clothes. Other advice: If you can, find a consignment shop or thrift store that has some good stuff. Set a budget that will allow you to buy one or two whole outfits at the store (at a lot of thrift stores, that will be under $50, and definitely under $100). Go with a friend and have them help you assemble one or two outfits that you like and that you feel comfortable wearing. Then when you notice how great you look wearing them, you'll have more positive feelings about dressing up. At least, I did, especially when I got compliments on my cute dress. I still felt self-conscious, but more in a good way, and now I no longer feel like I'm going to get in trouble for dressing nicely. Also: I always got too nervous to buy magazines or anything, but I started skimming a lot of fashion websites and blogs, and reading some of the online "how to find your style" guides. A lot of them are silly, but they got me thinking about what kinds of clothes I wanted to wear. I also started looking at what people on the street were wearing, and which items I thought might look good on me. That way when I did get up the courage for shopping, I had some idea of what to look for. It also started getting me adjusted to the idea that I wouldn't be punished for showing up in something nicer than t-shirt and jeans. Anyway, that little voice is awful, but it will fade with time, especially if you work to move past it. Good luck! Kitts commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 Kitts, thank you! I used to live in NYC when I was first starting my career as a professor and had no trouble buying great-looking, inexpensive suits and dresses. I did it by looking at magazines and at the women around me. I know that person is still inside of me. I'll definitely try the online stuff; I love its anonymity. And I know there's hope for my jeans-and-t-shirt self. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  7 0 Pretend that the "you don't deserve" is in your husbands voice. Sounds like that may be the truth anyway. Fight it. BasementDweller3 answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 3 comments by Just Asking, BasementDweller3, and Just Asking… 0 0 Thank you! That is surely what it is; I managed to fight the real voice off enough to leave him; I should be able to fight off the "shadow" voice. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report 1 0 And I should have written "ex-husband", didn't notice that in time to edit! It just takes practice. You've done so much already, this is one more little step, and will soon be a fun one! BasementDweller3 commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 I'm working on it! :) Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  2 0 If you have an EAP (Employment Assistance Program) as part of your employee benefits I would suggest you contact them and see what is available for group support programs for newly divorced women, self-esteem issues, etc. These kind of services you are already paying for through your coverage and are usually short term and for the purpose of getting you connected to the right continuing services. The evaluative portion of the services are usually well defined and free and then recommendation to a paid service or other community program that may be available. Contact your human services office or personnel and ask them if you have EAP services through your employment coverage. If that is not possible call the county health program in your area and see what services may be available to you there or referral to outside agencies. Reading your way to feeling better is possible, but can be just as fraught with you not accepting the message just because it is in print in front of you. Real person conversation and work with an individual therapist or small group can have a much bigger impact on your thought processes. Self help book sections in bookstores are one of the largest areas. I don't have any particular recommendation for you, but I hope others here will. But please consider seeking out some face to face support also. You are on the right track. You are right. You do deserve nice things and to feel good about yourself and in being in your new role as a single woman. You already provide great support for your daughter. Now do it for yourself. Russ Campbell, NWEBS answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 3 comments by Just Asking, Russ Campbell, NWEBS, and Just Asking… 0 0 I do have EAP services. It never even occurred to me that I could use them! I guess I'm still anxious about admitting to a counselor that I am afraid to shop for myself in person. Online is okay; it's a start. But stores intimidate me totally, and I feel faint when a salesperson approaches me. It's annoying to me and not particularly realistic, because that's her job after all, but I keep expecting her to say "nothing we have will look good on you." This happened to me when I asked to be measured for a bra; I'm not a weird size, but there was nothing in the store (Macy's!) that would fit me. I'm working on it, though! Thank you! Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 I said it in another comment, so am repeating some. Get a trusted advisor to be your fashion consultant, shop together. Returning the favor for her might be possible. Proper fitting for foundation undergarments may send you to a specialty retailer. Even normal fashions may need a touch of tailoring to be just right. Recently I saw some online discussions (and even here) of the basic items to have for a versatile wardrobe (little black dress is in there somewhere probably). Find one of those lists and make a plan to fill in some of those basics with your friend and then work from there. The WNTW show has a good premise of purging stuff, so as you add new, subtract old. I did some back reading and found your posts about hair cutting, etc. so know you are a person already making changes - good for you! Russ Campbell, NWEBS commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 Thanks Russ! I'm trying! :) Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  2 0 It sounds to me like your real problem (of which this is just a symptom) is that you struggle to listen to your rational side. You rationally know that buying reasonable and fashionable clothing is a normal thing - you even say and explain it perfectly well here - but you don't actually LISTEN to that part of your brain when you are in the moment. I am guessing that is probably a pattern, but one you are probably improving on and working through already. I would guess (though I could be wrong) that your marriage probably involved a lot of similar problems and that you ignored your rational voice. But now you have gotten a divorce, starting your new life, and will probably conquer the clothing issue as well. Just keep paying attention to yourself when you are analyzing these situations rationally. Here you state very clearly why it is ok to buy clothing. You don't need anyone else to explain it to you - you got it figured out already. You just need to get in the habit of LISTENING to that voice again. As you listen to it more and more, you will realize it is actually improving your life and you can come to trust that - hey! maybe its a GOOD IDEA to listen to your rational, smart, and educated brain - and not the crazy irrational part. Basil answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 1 comment by Just Asking… 0 0 Thank you! I'm definitely a rational person for everyone else except me. It didn't occur to me (truly) that I actually have the rational mind for myself too! Maybe I'll pretend that I'm talking to someone else (without the crazy irrational part, I promise) and be compassionate and encouraging. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  2 1 I also loathe loathe loathe clothes shopping, although more because I am a horrible skinflint with a nontypical body structure. Honestly, try shopping at the Good Will, their clothes are cheap enough you can buy more adventurous stuff without feeling bad if you never wear it, and you can honestly get some pretty nice things if you look hard enough. Perhaps after a while you'll feel confident enough to try the next step up - Red Light or Old Navy or suchlike - and so on from there. Oh, and find some friends and go shopping with them, it makes the whole process immeasurably less awful. Thryn answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 3 comments by Just Asking, Thryn, and Just Asking… 0 0 It's such a relief to hear that I'm not the only one who loathes clothes shopping. I can do it online okay, but it's the in-person stuff that freaks me out so badly. I've tried the shopping with friends idea and I usually end up turning all my charismatic energy on the friends, hoping they'll buy stuff and take the attention off of me. But I'll keep trying! Really! Thank you so much. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report 1 0 Ha! You have to make sure you take people who actually like clothes shopping, otherwise you end up playing find-the-ugliest-dress-in-the-store for ten minutes and then going somewhere less horrible very, very quickly. Or at least that's what happens to me. I've had success throwing myself upon the mercy of some of my bossier, fashion-conscious friends. Ask for help, promise be an obedient model, try on whatever they hand you, buy at least one thing they suggest, set clear time limits so you're done before you can break down too far. Perfect use of the stereotypical bossy gay friend, I suppose. And ... well, you may never actually like clothes shopping. That whole "women LOVE to shop!" assumption is just as stupid as any of the others people make about gender roles. Know that you are not alone in this, unless of course you enter a high-end clothing shop, in which case the rest of us will be waiting in the parking lot until you're done, okay? Thryn commented 11 months ago | Report 0 0 Okay, at last there is one person in the world who could make me smile about clothes shopping! I do need a sassy gay friend who can tell me some harsh truths (just buy the damn dress, you stupid bitch!); the ones I know and love live elsewhere, alas. But thank you! Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  1 0 Everyone has given you good answers. The only thing I'd add is that once you have sorted all the steps of feeling ok to get yourself something nice, and have a good idea what will work with your body shape, write yourself a list of a few basics and go shopping for them in particular. Get the blazer and a pair of trousers without an elastic waist. Then, once you start to feel good about those simple purchases, try getting the next thing on your list. It takes away from the need to make too many decisions in the shop which can be overwhelming and stressful. If you have worked out that a particular thing is what Trinny recommends, and you can see yourself wearing it in your imagination, then you do not need to second guess yourself in-store. ozchick answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report 2 comments by Just Asking and ozchick… 0 0 Wait, really? Okay, I hadn't even considered this idea of just trying to find one thing at a time. This could really work! I AM stressed and overwhelmed and can make bad decisions when I'm looking for a lot of clothes. I think this advice really helps. Thank you. Just Asking commented 11 months ago | Report 2 0 Thanks! I had to force myself to shop (which is astonishing) when I put on weight. I hate how I look in everything, but a plan and limited goals have helped me get a decent wardrobe together. ozchick commented 11 months ago | Report Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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  0 0 I'm assuming from your "mom stomach" comment that the feeling that you don't deserve nice clothes is connected to body shame - is that right? I don't have a book for you to read, but I can recommend a blog. I've found The Fat Girl's Guide (http://thefatgirlsguide.com) extremely helpful in my journey to body acceptance. The writer posts photos of her outfits as well as fashion advice (under the "Tips & Advice" section). She's bigger than I am and always manages to look hot, because she's confident and wears clothes she loves. She helped me to realize that it wasn't my fat that made me feel unattractive, but my attitude and self-hate. You'll find more blogs like hers if you google "fatshion" or "fa(t)shion". lindsay l answered in Women's Fashion 11 months ago | Report Comment on this answer Enter your comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit Please wait… This could take a minute if the tubes are clogged.

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