P9100429_small
Reputation: 40

How to nicely say no to "hanging out".

I'm a single, social woman and the following awkward situation happens from time to time: a guy that I'm friends with and that I enjoy seeing and talking with in a group setting (but am not attracted to) asks if I want to get coffee or hang out sometime. Well, he's really asking for a date in a casual way, but for some reason this is even harder to say no to than if he said "would you like to go out sometime?" because that is clearly a date and I can give my standard, nice "no thanks" reply. If a female friend asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime I'd do it without hesitation, but in a situation where I'm pretty sure the guy is interested in me, and I don't want to encourage him, it seems rude to say "no I don't want to get coffee with you, ever". How can I handle this and spare feelings and the friendship?

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  • Medium_2868373187_b2c11c89cf_o_small
    Reputation: 2266

    Guys who ask you out in that general way know exactly what the code means and are asking you in a very polite way. It is totally alright to just tell them no.

    If you later become friends and they ask you in the normal-friend way, you will easily be able to say yes/no without feeling weird about it. There is a HUGE difference between the two types of asking.

    It is much better to just be honest. They are really asking, "are you open to dating me?" and if you say anything but "no thanks" you will only be confusing them. Guys ask that way to not creep you girls out - it just comes across nicer and with a lot less pressure involved.

    Just saying "no" may seem harsh, but it's really not. Most guys that have the courage to ask you out like that are totally fine with the rejection (or as fine as we guys can get - it still hurts a bit ladies so be nice). You will be avoiding him getting his hopes up if you say some form of yes but don't mean it, or confusion when you say things like "sure, but lets invite xxxx" or something like that. The guy will just be left wondering...was that a yes or a no?

    There is a huge difference between "wanna grab coffee (from a guy interested in you)" and "wanna grab coffee (from a friend)". So treat it exactly as you would a guy asking you on a date, cause that is exactly what they are doing.

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6 Other Answers

  • Davidclose2_small
    Reputation: 366

    Everyone else has covered the "he knows what he's asking for" angle, so I'll just say that I don't see anything wrong with saying in a friendly (friendly!) way, "Like a date?"

    Some guys might be frazzled (particularly the ones using this approach for their own sake rather than yours), but I think a lot of guys would appreciate it -- they might feel less pressure to stick to the "casual dancing" approach. They'd also be less likely to self-rationalize later ("maybe she really IS busy washing her hair next Saturday!) and ask you again.

    When they say, "Yeah, like a date," just say, "That's really sweet and I'm flattered, but I have fun being friends."

    Plus, this way, if he decides he WOULD like to hang out with you just as a friend, he can ask again without any explanation.

    I understand it depends on your level of comfort and confidence. If you think you can take it, being super-straight like this works out best for everyone all around.

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  • N815394_32920449_260_small
    Reputation: 576

    I'd stick with your "no thanks" but then tack on something along the lines of hanging out in a group. Like "no thanks, but maybe I'll see you at Petunia's party next weekend. A bunch of people are going to be there, and it sounds like it'll be really fun!"

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  • Amy-small_small
    Reputation: 272

    You could say "How sweet of you to ask! I'm super busy, so need to say no. Thanks though!"

    Then run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

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  • Messy_hair_small
    Reputation: 695

    Do you want to have coffee with him? If he were just a friend? Then say yes, and navigate from there. At the coffee, you drop some hints that make it clear that you're not interested in him romantically - bring up someone you have a crush on for instance. That will chill the air, but quick.

    Another strategy could be to say "Yes, I'd love to- and let's have Lucy along too!" - Someone else you work with, that makes it clear you're not psyched to go out alone with him, but like the idea of being pals.

    If you just don't want to have coffee with him at all, then say, "No thanks," politely, but firmly.

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  • Spaceship_small
    Reputation: 1812

    I agree with New York State of Mind.
    But I see nothing wrong with your simple "No Thanks." You don't owe him any more explanation, and I would think if you elaborate more, it would be more encouraging that a simple "No, thanks."

    Guys are taught that persistance pays off, and to continue asking, if they are interested. Therefore, I'd think it may take several answers before he picks up on the state of the "No"... if you know what I mean.

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  • Veronica-lake-by-rosejuvenal_small
    Reputation: 480

    This is the kind of situation white lies were made for.

    "Sure, although I am seeing someone, just so you know" -- if you want to hang out as a friend.

    "Sorry, but I'm seeing someone, and he wouldn't be too thrilled with that" -- if you want an out.

    If I were the guy, I'd way rather hear the white lie than "No thanks". Ouch!

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