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The sullen attitude--how to deal with it?

My son is generally a great kid, but when he's disappointed, or things don't go his way, his manner of dealing with it is to turn inward completely and sulk. Of course, it usually happens when we're supposed to be somewhere, or I need him to do something (chores, get dressed, we're late...etc).

I want to acknowledge his feelings, but it can be extremely frustrating because when he's in this state, he won't talk, won't make eye contact, etc....

Any pointers on how I can help him when he's in this state?
Thanks!

bharbine asked in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report

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  • Dscn0421_small
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    Sphinx

    I think that one of things people have a hard time remembering about teenagers is how strongly they experience emotion. Add in trying to negotiate the growing freedom of maturation while still living under the rules of their parents and that every parent has a different approach to how much freedom to afford to their teen, and you get a situation that's fraught with conflicting expectations and strong emotional reactions.

    I know that often when I was being "sulky" as a teen it was because I was actually quite sad about or upset by something but I didn't feel like it was acceptable to express that- so I would just withdraw. With a son this may be magnified because of cultural expectations that boys face about showing emotion. It may not be simply the fact that you are telling him "no," but how you are doing it. I'd ask him (at a time when you're both in a good mood) if you said something in particular that really bothered him. The other emotional component here is how you are reacting to the "sulky" mood. I know what I hated most as a teenager was being treated as though my emotions were fair objects for ridicule and teasing- that would prolong and exacerbate any frustration I was already feeling. I agree with Amy- I'd let him come out of the mood on his own without chastising him or teasing him about it- if you treat him as normally as possible he'll get back to normal as quickly as possible.

    The other thing to remember is that it can actually feel almost shameful to a teen when he compares himself to other kids who might have more freedom, or to be trying to explore new limits and independence but then be flatly told "no" by a parent. The intensity of a teen's focus on himself is such that a rejection of any kind can SEEM like an intentional slight- maybe if you are careful to include your son in your decision-making process or make your decisions transparent it will be easier for him to accept them.

    Sphinx answered in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report
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  • Sally061806h_small
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    Sally Kidder Davis, PCI Parent Coach at Parent Well

    It's so hard to watch your child withdraw. And it's natural to want to rescue them from any pain, physical or emotional. That's what we do best. Giving him space is important. And keeping some form of communication open as well. Sometimes my kids will respond to a text instead of a face to face conversation. If he's dodging chores, then he needs to be accountable.

    But I would want to know what he is doing when he's withdrawing - watching TV, gaming, texting, chatting online with friends. If so, does your family have rules around using media?

    And is there a family history of depression? It's always good to rule that out, then you know you are just dealing with teenage stuff. And they are dealing with so much these days, their stress meters are off the charts. That begs the question - how stressed is he? School, sports, relationships can add up to an unmanageable amount of stress. We tend to underestimate the amount of stress these kids are dealing with today.

    Sounds like he has a pretty supportive parent!

    Be Well

    Sally Kidder Davis, PCI Parent Coach at Parent Well answered in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report
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  • Sm_head_shot_small
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    margit crane

    Hi there,

    First of all, it's pretty hard to help teens when they're in the midst of their pain or frustration, unless they choose to let their walls down. Some teens do this willingly and some don't, but it's usually not the parents "fault". Some people just process feelings internally and some externally. I'm guessing that you and he are opposites here.

    It's important to acknowledge his feelings and let him know that it's okay to feel the way he does. AND, after he takes a bit of alone time, he still needs to do whatever task or chore is his to do.

    One way to break that shell of his is to try talking (really, listening more than talking) to him when he's in a good mood. Ask him about the event and ask him about his feelings and thoughts. Listen to him - really listen - and don't judge, or try to fix anything unless he asks for suggestions.

    Sometimes connecting with teens just means telling them that you love them or you're proud to be their mom/dad, or just giving them a high five or a hug.

    Hope this helps,

    Margit@MargitCrane.com

    margit crane answered in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report
    2 comments by bharbine and margit crane…
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  • Amy-small_small
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    I am curious about how much attention you have given this behavior in the past.

    Do you sympathize, cajole, threaten, bother, talk at/to him? All of this is giving him attention.

    Kids like attention - no matter what kind.

    You might try ignoring him and going on with whatever it is you need to do. Leave the house, start the car, he'll hear it and come.

    Later,I would spend what the Positive Discipline folks call "special time" with him.

    This is when you do something with him that he wants to do with your undivided attention.

    Later still, ask him directly what he wants you to do when he's in this kind of funk and then do it.

    Amy Lang answered in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report
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  • 98199-chiropractor_small
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    It is difficult to give the RIGHT answer since we don't have all of the information.

    However, there is a chance that he is not busy enough and is not participating in things that would give him the self esteem to get through the tougher times.

    In addition, he may have to learn some of the consequences of his actions on his own to fully appreciate the help you have given him.

    Finally, he doesn't sound that different than every man I know, so it may not be a teenager problem. :)

    moemantha answered in Teens & Tweens 10 months ago | Report
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