I think the partial reason for "emotional affair" to be an important term is that in the past, affairs were considered purely physical matters. If you weren't fucking, well, you're not cheating.

It IS a thorny way of looking at things, because it trods on the toes of people who don't consider sex a definition of their relationship, but also people who are unsure how to differentiate their romantic partners except through the definition of sexual attraction. I'm kind of both, for example. I don't think sex is the be-all and end-all of my relationship, but I also want a partner I am sexually attracted to. It's all dependant on circumstances.

I think one simple way of looking at an emotional affair is if it compromiss your emotional link to your main partner.

It's normal to have friends or close friends who serve needs that you don't necessarily get from your partner. Very few partners can satisfy every need -- physical, emotional, etc. -- and it's just so important to know that, if only for the sake of staying sane and secure.

Does having this "other" relationship mean you love your partner less for the reasons you do? Do you begin to get less satisfaction from the needs he or she actually does serve in your relationship?

Say, your partner doesn't like movies. Watching movies with your sexy friend makes you happy. How important is that to you? Does it make you happier than being with your current partner? When you go home, do you feel significantly unhappy or resentful that your partner doesn't like movies? Does it just make you feel less stressed and more energetic about your relationship?

I think it's all a balance. Every relationships is evaluated through many, many factors, and most importantly, each factor is weighed differently.

I define my primary partner not just through the breadth of things we share, but the depth and magnitude of things.

"not the least of which is that if an emotional affair is defined by the partner's feelings about it (actual or hypothetical)"

I don't think that was necessarily the point. The point should be *your* comfort with sharing, independent of the partner's feelings. Being secretive doesn't just reveal what you think your partner will feel, but what you feel.

If your partner was known to have tendencies towards unreasonabe jealousy or controlling behaviour, I doubt their feelings would be considered a legitimate single litmus test.

"Can you be emotionally unfaithful to someone you're in the early stages of dating, or do you have to already be in a committed relationship for the term 'emotional affair' to be meaningful?"

Can you be unfaithful to someone you're in the "early" stages of dating, period? It definitely depends on each party's expectations. Some people expect some degree of exclusivity at particular stages; others do not. Of course, there's also the problem of having both of you agree on what stage you're at.

"I'm not satisfied with the explanations I've seen. I recall reading something along the lines of "if you wouldn't want your partner to watch a video of you and this person, it's an emotional affair." I find that sort of definition unsatisfying and off-putting for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that if an emotional affair is defined by the partner's feelings about it (actual or hypothetical), the term "emotional affair" could become a legitimate-sounding, therapy-speak way to justify unreasonable jealousy or controlling behavior on the part of the partner."

Well, you could define it as taking flirting too far and keeping the tone of the behavior JUST before physical intimacy happens, an emotionally intense non-friends "relationship" with that person.

Nim, I totally agree this is a loaded term that can really start fights and also taints good therapy. I have strong feelings about it because I've seen good relationships crash due to stupid misunderstandings and this bad label.

Infidelity is breaking a pact. Has nothing to do with language, or body parts, or eye contact or sweaty dreams in your head. That pact is, generally, between two people, not between society and you, and not defined merely by the script you recited on that one day where you stood in front of friends and family. The pact is between you and yours.
Context counts: a liberally 'open relationship' has a different set of values than a balanced/fair monogamy(regardless of how new the relationship is), which has different values than a sexist sub/dom faux-monogamy (ex: where it's understood that one partner will do what/who they want, but also understood that appearances will be maintained - See 'Goodfellas' for a stereotyped reference).
As long as everyone's on the same page and happy, these each can work fine with some things other folks might want to call 'emotional affairs'.

Affairs defined? I don't buy into the "if you ever drink, you're an alcoholic" BS that some 12steppers try and pitch. Same for love. However, if your behavior, if your choices, are keeping you from a regular, happy, guiltfree life, if the actions you take violate oaths or covenants you've sworn to, then you are in fact doing something unhealthy for yourself. Addiction can include sex too.

I like the "If you wouldn't want your partner to know/see it, then it's an affair" is right on the money.
The key part of that is the first "YOU WOULDN'T" part - not your partners response, but YOUR response to your partner's reaction.
If you dread your own response and feelings and fallout, then it's not healthy. If you agreed on honesty, and you violate that agreement, then, yes, it's infidelity.
Whether you choose to categorize or define the term "emotional affair" as this, as also 'not healthy' is up to you.

Meanwhile, FANTASY should be yours to exploit & enjoy. You might like non-serious flirting at the office with the sexy intern (presuming here that you and the intern are mature enough to know how to non-seriously flirt). You might indeed put them on your "if I were single right now, I'd date them" list. You may've banked certain XXX images for in-your-head fantasy use later. There's no action-reaction with your partner that will fallout from this - no worries for your psyche and therefore no 'affair'.
People who've been well-poisoned by church-forced morality will (and have) argue me about this: but unless you made a serious pact to never even think about someone else, you are not in fact engaging in unhealthy acts nor having any kind of (emotional) affair.