Peacock-eye_small
Reputation: 68
Follow 1
Follow 1

Am I losing it?

Been dating this guy for roughly five months and we like each other a lot. In fact, sometimes it feels like this might be “it”. But then, other times, we have these weird misunderstandings that leave me wondering if it might end at any moment. He works a hard schedule – noon until 4am, Mondays through Thursdays – so when we see each other, it’s usually for an hour in the morning when I’m getting ready for work (he comes to my place when he gets off) or on the weekends. While I work regular hours, my job is exhausting, and by the time Friday rolls around, I’m worn out. So we’re both tired and overworked, but we try to do fun things when we have time. This weekend ended up being one where neither of us seemed to have much time for each other. He had things to do. I had things to do. We still hung out but on Sunday, I got stressed over not having finished the things I wanted to do – clean, buy groceries, etc. He reacted by “leaving me alone” because he didn’t want to share in the stress. Fine, but later we had an intense interchange via text message. He ended the “conversation” by writing something snippy about us not spending the evening together and then shut it down by saying that he was going to bed. We live just blocks from each other, so texting seemed so stupid. I tried to explain that I was giving him space because he seemed like he wanted it, and he wrote “Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” like he was annoyed. It felt passive aggressive and so I called him a jerk and asked him if he was trying to fuck things up. No response from him and now it’s 5am and I can’t sleep because I’m thinking, thinking, thinking about this. I’m not sure what to do or what to say at this point. Help.

aquamarineat114 asked in Relationships 9 months ago | Report

Answer this question or share it with a smart friend:

Avatar_default
Type your answer here…

Asker's Favorite

  • Kermitsex_small
    Reputation: 2421
    Follow 5
    freikja

    Five months is a good amount of time to date. You know you like each other, or you probably wouldn't still be dating.

    But you both have conflicting and busy schedules, and that makes it challenging for a relationship - or at least one in which you haven't set clear boundaries, both for your space together, or for the space you need for yourselves.

    This sounds like a generally -generally!- simple issue to me. You don't have enough time for each other and yourselves, you want more for both, and you're dealing with the guilt trips and stress to and from each other as a result. This part is normal. And you *can* work around it, but you both need to be fairly lenient.

    What should be a concern is how you communicate that. When you both have things to do for yourselves, as you said, it shouldn't be a point of contention, right? But it is. We humans tend to take our own feelings of inadequacy out on each other, so who knows, maybe he's punishing you for not feeling available enough. While the base reason is important, the ability to talk about it is paramount, so find out what's REALLY bothering him, make sure you address and avoid crappy texts that indicate dismissiveness like "Okkkkkkkkkkkk" - and then STOP trying to have difficult discussions like that in text to begin with. The minute it starts getting ugly in text (and we all read things different ways, though l agree with your interpretation of the text in question, and that you should have been at least talking on the phone to begin with), STOP. Say, "Call me, and let's talk about this in person", or "Let's calm down a bit, and then talk", or some other variation. There are statistics being collected on how many breakups occur through online or text interactions, and it's pathetic. Don't be a fucking statistic, and l mean that in the very kindest way.

    Don't apologize if it's truly not on your part, but be very, very vigilant about examining your own part in it, no matter how small it may be; as you said, name-calling doesn't help. These things are important, and may be a fulcrum in how well your relationship moves. Remember you're in this for a reason, and if you don't *both* benefit from that reminder, then you're facing a problem.

    And if his priority is having fun on top of all the priorities you both have to deal with (which is understandable, but obviously limited), consider whether your final priorities match up. lf you want a night in because you're always tired and he wants a night at the bar, these things should be considered.

    But no, to answer your original question, you aren't losing it. You're dealing with real-life issues, real-life jobs, and real-life situations that occasionally need an outlet. This is true for all of us. Hang in there.

    freikja answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    Comment on this answer
    Share this answer with a friend:
Latest Greatest

4 Other Answers

  • Amy-small_small
    Reputation: 272
    Follow 1

    Quit texting!!!!!! This isn't the way to have a grown up relationship.

    Pick up the phone and call him. Explain that you fucked up, were stressed out, really like him and hate that you can't see each other in a "normal" way.

    Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.

    No more texting, unless it's to flirt, confirm a date or something like this. If it takes a turn (like this did) call him.

    Amy Lang answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    3 comments by aquamarineat114, protosaurus, and aquamarineat114…
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Medium_2868373187_b2c11c89cf_o_small
    Reputation: 2266
    Follow 2
    Basil

    Wait - why should you apologize? You were stressed and communicated that you needed some things done. In response, your boyfriend acted like a child and got all petulant and passive-aggressive.

    I think communicating better is key, but I am not sure why YOU should be the one apologizing. When you get stressed out and want to accomplish some goals, he should be understanding and not get all huffy and act like a hurt little baby.

    As far as I can see:

    1) you mentioned you were stressed and needed to get things done.

    2) he then reacted with the classic bullshit response, "fine, then I'll leave you alone if you can't devote your entire life to paying attention to me!" - which is just bullshit.

    3) then it sounds like you tried to smooth things over by text, and he continued to act like a child. And then refused to continue talking about it, and shut down all conversation for the entire night making you suffer and feel bad and lose sleep. He did that purposefully, knowing you were upset, because it made him feel better to make you feel like shit (that's what a lot of people do in fights to "win").

    Nowhere in there do I see a reason for YOU to apologize. Your initial communication of needing to accomplish some goals could have been sugarcoated, I guess, but its not YOUR job to make him act like an adult when you need to get some things done.

    If anything, it sounds like he needs to apologize to you for not being an understanding boyfriend when you are stressed and need to get some things done.

    And then you both need to work on your communication skills when in a fight, but especially HE needs to work on not being a spoiled little bitch and ending fights by just shutting down and making you feel like shit all night. THAT is unacceptable in a partner.

    Basil answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    1 comment by aquamarineat114…
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Bauhaus_small
    Reputation: 650
    Follow 0
    Bauhaus

    Friday night dates are for teenagers, people in their early twenties, and people who don't work (or people trying to be one of the above). There is nothing wrong with being exhausted by Friday night and just wanting to kick back at home or even enjoying the luxury of turning in early. It's part of growing up and, hopefully, growing older.

    You're going to have to make some real adjustments in your expectations if he works 16 hours a day, four days a week. That's a brutal, brutal work schedule and as someone who used to work four twelve-hour days a week I can tell you that it requires some serious downtime.

    Ms. Amy is wonderfully correct: Don't bicker by text. Save disputes/discussions for face-to-face time where there can be some emotional understanding/intelligence injected that is completely absent in a text message.

    If this is someone you want to be with and if you are both pretty tired on weekends (and who wouldn't be?), what's wrong with ordering in and curling up in each others arms spending the majority of the weekend in bed napping, etc.?

    Bauhaus answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    2 comments by aquamarineat114 and freikja…
    Share this answer with a friend:
  • Pigeondm2802_228x243_small
    Reputation: 593
    Follow 0

    Amy Lang is right on the spot. There is nothing worse than texting augments. If I feel like we might be having an important conversation or augment over text. I just text I need to talk to you about this in person it feels weird over text.

    Further more it sounds like you guys have a super stressful relationship (obviously.) I think you need to start really prioritizing your time. Can you do some chores together, like laundry or grocery shopping? Or can you squish them into smaller tasks through out the week? One dish at a time? Sometimes though I find it can be the healthiest thing to just let go of the small chores to be able to send some time with people who nurture you.

    Next week take the time you have and do something super relaxing together like taking a frisbee down to the park. That way you can get rid of some of that stress and have fun at the same time. Just relax and tell your boyfriend to also.

    Finger Games answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    1 comment by aquamarineat114…
    Share this answer with a friend: