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I love this amazing girl, but..........

...She refuses to and avoids at all costs talking to any of her close friends or sisters, has ridiculous moods that frequently swing, is usually in a constant state of panic, emotionally unstable (deemed "delicate"), essentially thinks she is worthless (she is not), is terrified of her dreams/talents and won’t try (also a bit lazy), is a biiit narcistical, quite obsessive compulsive, and doesn't have a job. It seems that she can’t move forward and her self-loathing is just increasing. Her relationship with her therapist is very cordial and she does not feel that it’s going much below the surface. She has a lot of physical health problems despite her “constant vigilance” (ie always making herb tonics, elaborate healthy meals, doesn’t drink/smoke/take pills of any kind), and has continuous overwhelming anxiety and depression that seem to exentuate her disabilities. She is passionate about a lot of things, but either finds excuses not to go after them or is downright so anxious trying to keep obsessive thoughts at bay that she can’t get started on anything. I don’t think she is fully aware of the circles she’s walking. She says she even questions whether she or anything is even real.

How can she help herself? What can I do to help her help herself? We are not dating yet, because I don't see how we can at this point in her life. She is incredibly happy when she is with me in a low pressure situation and being herself, but I don’t think it’s healthy for her happiness to depend on me.. As a gay “couple” and because we are not together, she doesn’t talk about me to anyone. She isn't seeing anyone else nor sleeping with anyone. I think a lot of the time she doesn’t believe that I love her, because I don’t try to see her and we both think that long distance communication would be futile to the point of harmful (she moved back in with her parents…..) ……….On top of everything, she has never been in a relationship before…ever…… how do I help this brilliantly mad woman?????????

Rural Juror asked in Relationships 9 months ago | Report

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  • Kermitsex_small
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    freikja

    Okay, to be clear...are you dating or not? You say you're a "couple" and include it in quotes, but then you say you aren't dating. This needs clarification.

    Otherwise, taken on face value, l'm not sure there's much you can do for her. She's seeing a therapist but sees no value in doing so, and therefore it's essentially going to be useless to her.

    Everything you're listing here is a big red flag. She isn't sick because her various herbs and tonics aren't working, she's sick because she's in a constant state of anxiety, hopelessness, and general depression. And if a regular concern of hers is 'if anything is real', then you may have a MUCH bigger mental health problem on your hands than you currently realize. l have a whole crew of people on one side of my family who don't believe anything is real (or what they do believe is real isn't even close), and they are/were suicidal, bipolar, paranoid schizophrenic, or a combination of the above. You may very well be right in the 'brilliantly mad' part - some of our most influential and brilliant icons were also just fucking nuts.

    The problem there, however, is that you may not be able to help her beyond voicing your concerns and saying that you love her, but can't have a relationship with her unless and until she really starts getting the help she needs - or committing herself to the psychiatric help she's already getting. You aren't her shrink; she has one, which indicates she knows she probably needs it, but she's not dedicating herself to it. This -and everything else you're telling us, combined with my experience and knowledge of certain untreated mental illnesses- tells me she's got some serious issues going on, and the only thing you can do is encourage her to pursue help, and support her throughout. But don't get embroiled in trying to fix her, or thinking you have any control over this; she's got stuff going on that has nothing whatsoever to do with you or anyone else.

    Just encourage her to get the help she needs, and realize there's only so much you can do unless you're a licensed PhD.

    l would also venture that not being in a relationship is probably more of a blessing than a curse in her case.

    freikja answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
    7 comments by Black Beetles in Amber, Black Beetles in Amber, and freikja…
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  • Amy-small_small
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    From your description, she needs a very skilled therapist, possibly medication and definitely not you, to help her.

    Sad, but true, I'd run away. Your entanglement with her, makes me think, you might want to explore why you think this chick could possible be right for you.

    Buena Suerte!

    Amy Lang answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
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  • Medium_2868373187_b2c11c89cf_o_small
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    I am generally not someone that advocates drugs as a solution, but this sounds like something that might be outside of her control, and made need to be regulated my medication.

    You say she is not taking pills, and that her therapist is probably not being 100% effective in challenging her to go beyond her comfort zone. I would talk to her about seeing a new therapist, one who might work with bi-polar and obsessive compulsive disorder specifically. They would best be able to figure out what, if any, medications could help her to get some control over herself.

    Basil answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
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  • Bierce1_small
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    "How can she help herself? What can I do to help her help herself? We are not dating yet"

    1) That's beyond your control.
    2) That's beyond your control.

    "On top of everything, she has never been in a relationship before…ever……"

    Don't date her.

    "how do I help this brilliantly mad woman?????????

    Again, all this is beyond your control.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl

    Black Beetles in Amber answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
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  • Ava_small
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    First off continue to be supportive

    A close second help her find a battler therapist. If they're not effective all the sessions in the world arent going to help. Discreetly talk to friends or co workers if they know of a good one. Don't step on any toes but say you have a friend who is hurting pretty bad and do they know of a good therapist. They may say mine is or they may say they'll ask around. Either way you're on the road to helping her help herself better

    sublevelthree answered in Relationships 9 months ago | Report
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