Ha! We're old enough! I'm 31, he's in his 40's.

I'm kind of a, uh, late bloomer. & now I'm rethinking expectations, but to have no expectations for anybody ever seems kind of cynical and sad.

Thus is the path of the warrioress.

In that case, what capicola said. If your friend lets his GF control his life to this degree, this early on in the relationship, it's probably too late to expect him to grow a spine.

I hope he does realize his error and come crawling back, and that you can forgive him in that case, but I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

Anyway, yes, men and women can be friends. Sometimes that's true even when they've been in a relationship in the past. But it takes maturity, confidence, and the patience to explain that "just friends" means exactly that to suspicious new partners. I think suspicion IS normal early on for the new partners - after all, there are "just friends" who can't seem to resist getting together again - but good partners will give them time to develop trust and see that nothing funny is going to happen. And good new BF's and GF's will let that trust come.

Sorry this happened to you. This really is college-age baloney.

"he's in his 40's."

He's more than old enough to know what he's doing, then. Trust him (one way or another) and move on. This is likely just as much his "fault" as hers, and you're better off for him being honest.

I noticed you didn't ask me to fill in the blanks that make it impossible to read the situation. But: they supposedly are longtime friends who decided to give it a go. So, I would've assumed that she knows this guy not to be a flirt. To actually be a gentleman (I thought), and to have above ave judgement (I thought [wrongly] again).

I'm thinking, if somebody makes me feel insecure, I handle it by not associating with that player (!) or by talking it out. Not issuing an ultimatum and sabotaging 2 relationships at once.

I don't think I've ever met this girl. Maybe once in passing.

Oh, well.

"to have above ave judgement (I thought [wrongly] again)."

I'd assume that this is in question, from the way he handled this.

There's a good chance that he's handling this relationship with the same maturity that he's handled his interactions with you, try not to take it too personally.

"I'm thinking, if somebody makes me feel insecure, I handle it by not associating with that player (!) or by talking it out."

I'd be willing to guess that it's half the guy's problem and half hers. Perhaps they're both codependent and weird, and not dating him, you never got to experience this side?

Also, what your friend did is pretty common, I think, though most guys don't come out and say it so bluntly. I had lots of guy friends in my 20s, and as soon as they started dating someone, they'd disappear.

Here I am, questioning my judgement. Trying not to be unrealistic, however: Insecurity, IMO, is indicative of a relationship being more bad than good at any age. But, beyond teens and early 20's it gets kinda ridiculous. And, the sitch you described about the lap dances & all-- I hope the loyal wife took her loyalties elsewhere if hubby didn't get his act together after his little farce.

But, I don't understand these things. That's why I come seeking guidance!

Thanks for the nice advice.

Pretend he took a trip to a place with no cell phones or computers...you will still be his friend when he returns from that "faraway" place he needs to visit.

You sound like a good friend and a compassionate person! I could visualize the scenario where he's just far away somewhere, & categorize the way he handled this dilemma as lapse in judgement or different judgement than I'd have liked. It just stung a little, based on what we've been thru -- that which has made us 'friends.' You know how it is. :)

I do agree with capicola however that he should man up and bring your things to you. But if you don't want to take the chance that you might lose those things, best if you collect your possessions.

I like your advice and appreciate it! It's now been a couple weeks and I've had a little time to think. Sure, when people get in a new relationship, they often won't find as much time for their buddies. But, that's different from "She has a problem with me talking to you." I don't know. I set the bar higher than that for my friends-- I wouldn't give somebody that line, nor do I want to hear it-- But, perhaps it was bad judgement on his part and he will come around. Unfortunately he'll find that it's too late, and he can remember me by that equipment parting-gift. The full details of the history of our friendship and blah de blah might make me seem less cold... Oh, well. :(