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Ask Susie Bright
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By now, Susie Bright is legendary. Writer, blogger, teacher and speaker, Susie Bright is a visionary on the subject of enlightened sexuality. She was one of the first to embrace sex-positive feminism, and she continues to put forth startling, intelligent ideas about sex. Her latest memoir All Sex & Relationships, Sex and Relationships

Answers
  • What is the "best" wand vibrator on the market?
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    Actually, the Wahl is what is called a "coil-operated" vibrator, (using spinning electromagnetic coils to produce vibration).

    The Hitachi is a motor-drivien "wand" vibrator.

    The Wahl type— and they are certainly the best brand in the coil category— is shaped like a pistol, or a curved brush, and they're very quiet and intense, focused.

    The Hitachi— they have NO competition, quality-wise— is also intense, purrs with its motor, and is more diffuse, with a bigger surface.

    Honestly, you can't go wrong with either model I have both and couldn't bear to give any of them up!

    One interesting thing is despite their notoriety for pleasure, the Wahl is still ownded by a Catholic company that puts in a directions sheet that warns you not to use their product "on the genitals." There is NO OTHER PLACE TO USE IT!

    Hitachi is not so blatant in their denials; they simple refuse to acknowledge why their product is famous. They, at least, are correct, that their vibrator does feel good on sore muscles... it's just fine for that, too!

    If you are a greedy little pig for your anniversary, I say, get both! Or save one for Xmas!

  • What did you think of "Sex at Dawn?"
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    I enjoyed "S@D" tremendously.

    I had a great surprise when I wrote a letter to thank the authors. I appreciated Chris and his partner for their ambitious efforts, and asked them if we could schedule an interview on my audio show.

    To my surprise, the two of them were overcome— and told me that I was one of their inspirations to write the book in the first place. Hugs and Rants all around!

     I was, at the time, struggling to write the "sound-bite" blurb for my memoir on Amazon, and Chris just grabbed his pen and wrote the darn thing for me. It was like Instant Author Support Group.

    Okay, enough of the heartwarming behind-the-scenes!

    The reason "S@D" means a great deal to me is that it gives people rational, objective tools to talk about monogamy/non-monogamy, instead of beating themselves up over their perceived "sins" and "flaws."

    Human sexual curiousity is certainly not a design flaw, species-wise. We are made to crave both familiarity and variety— that's the way we roll.

    S@S also drives a stake in the heart into some of the hamfisted, conservatigve claims of "evolutionary psychology," which I have had it UP TO HERE WITH.  

    I can't wait to see what they're going to write next.

Questions
Recent Comments
  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Spaceship_small

    Your comment about "things get around like mad" is very telling. Unless you're willing to take the "abuse" of being the office skuttlebutt like you hear others passing along, I'd rethink about hooking up with anyone at work. It might stay quiet for awhile, but inevitably, someone will talk, speculate or outright lie, and then "we're off to the races..."

    Plus, he may still think of you as "a student" and transitioning to a "sex partner" may be more of a leap than he can make. Maybe.

  • Comment on Livi's answer…
    Livi_small

    Lustlab! Sorry - Lustlab - stay safe & have fun!

  • Comment on Livi's answer…
    Avatar_default

    I don't know much about lovelab. I'll check it out. Thanks.

  • Comment on Livi's answer…
    Livi_small

    Media and society will make fun of/point out anything that is not the "norm".

  • Comment on Amy Lang's answer…
    Coffee_spanking_small

    I love the idea of an arranged hookup. I always wondered whether sex really "changes things", and when I finally had it at 27, I found that it doesn't. Not all women think it does either.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    N6915479_34036198_2840_small

    as a dyke in the community in seattle, these are my general rules for sex outside of a committed relationship--
    -no pussy to pussy (no rubbing on each other, and wash your hands between touching her and touching you/ vice versa)
    -condoms on toys
    -no oral

    more fastidious safe sex-ers advocate gloves or dental dams for any fluid contact excluding kissing (on the mouth). you will find dykes in seattle who are into this kind of safe sex, in my experience they are generally in sex positive, kink or poly communities.

    i'm more inclined to relationships, if i had more casual sex i might be a little more rigorous with my practices :)

  • Comment on Livi's answer…
    195508_622955166_842191_n_small

    As logical and simplistic as that sounds, it doesn't work that way.

  • Comment on Basil's answer…
    Avatar_default

    I know I'd have to be sorta subtle. XD

    I did tell him once that I'd never dated and he seemed a bit surprised. But I also wasn't trying to do anything with him at the time.

  • Comment on Amy Lang's answer…
    Avatar_default

    I think the most serious part about it would indeed be that almost nothing stays private where I work, so if anything happened between us, the entire place would know pretty quick. Which I think would be very bad and it's something that I'm wary of.

    I hadn't thought of an arranged hook-up at all. That's a really good idea.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Avatar_default

    The work part is complicated. Originally he was one of the people teaching me at my work place when I was a student. I then graduated and became a full time worker and now am at the same level as he is though I am way less experienced. We don't work on the same shift anymore so I actually don't see him very often. But things get around like mad where I work so I know it could be dangerous. I don't know how sex would change things emotionally since it's something I've never done.

    I would never tell him that he's not boyfriend material, because it seems kinda cruel.

    Yeah, I'm starting out pretty late in life when it comes to the whole dating/sex/flirt thing.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Gogogophers_small

    Realize that you're going to catch a lot less fish based on your current situation. If you're really serious about finding someone to be in love with, you may need to divorce your "best friend".

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Avatar_default

    Sorry, there is no heartbreak, expressed or implied--I've had an amazing life, so far. My life has been filled with love from my wife, family, and friends. For instance, how many people get to spend their whole life living and working side by side with their best friend? My life has just been missing that romantic erotic love thing, and I wasn't even aware of that until a few years ago. The heartbreak you read between the lines is just a result of me trying to fit a complicated 40+ year relationship into "one or two paragraphs" of this venue.

    Other reactions/explanations to your answer: She didn't say I sexually disappointed her, we just never had a great sex life, and for the first 30 years I was oblivious (emotionally unavailable, is the common euphemism). Hey--she comes, I come, what else is there? ;-) By the time I finally caught on, it was too late to fix things (cf. erotic equation).

    The new dude doesn't want me out of the way--he walked into this thing thinking he could handle the jealousy angle, and she and I talked it over (remember, we're best friends and have been together for most of our lives) and she and I decided that he couldn't handle it. Presumptuous and arrogant of us, perhaps, but that's who we are. Besides, she was in the limerence phase, and the trade off between our lousy sex life risking her happiness losing him was an easy call.

    Yeah, I've been expanding my social situations, and I've thought about personal ads... Maybe I should think about them more seriously? I can work the endearing angle, but the probabilities are pretty low, as I see it. And, how and when do I 'splain my (unique?) situation without totally freaking someone out? The Facebook relationship status, "It's complicated" is pretty much of an understatement for me, eh?

    Still, I've got hope, and I've always been a lucky SOB. Smart, too, and I've got some great friends who want to help me in my quest. I'll figure something out, I bet. Thanks for the words of encouragement! Here's hoping I'll be asking you for specific sex advice Real Soon Now!

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Spaceship_small

    I don't think the move of the same name helped any, did it?

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Laurenkientz1-2_small

    Thank you for your insight! I never used to be one of the "worried well," but I also didn't have to worry about safer sex in terms of disease with my ex (pregnancy, yes, but that's another story). One girl I was interested in was so freaked out by getting a disease that it stopped her from making out with me even though she wanted to. And when she found out I get cold sores on my mouth...well that pretty much ended my choices. I think she has a few other things going on.

    I am also a perfectionist who tends to listen to the advice from my superiors--so after I sort of just went for it without thinking about safer sex the first few times, and then got an infection of some sort, all the self-recrimination of not following "the rules" came back on me.

    So I appreciate your very no-nonsense, "duh" type of answer. I knew these things, I just needed in particular your second response, that I'm not a douchebag or stupid.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Laurenkientz1-2_small

    Thank you all for your suggestions! I'll post some thoughts on the other thread.

    Oh, and one more story. When I first went in for the appointment about the infection, I had a sweet little female resident who looked straight out of the boondocks. I started crying, I was so embarrassed to potentially have an STD, and I also asked her what safer sex for lesbians was. She left the office at one point and came back and said something that indicated she'd run off to the break room and conferred with all the others little residents. At the same time, I kept looking at my watch to make sure I got to my class. Not the class I was taking, but the one I was teaching. It was all just so humiliating. This coming out process is sending me back to puberty. I hated puberty the first time.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Avatar_default

    No, not at all fishing for compliments - on the contrary - I wanted an opinion about this deeper aspect of orgasm. Taking it to a much deeper level - that's all. Thanks for your answers. I do believe you are speaking to 'all women'.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Coffee_spanking_small

    I know adults in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who've never had sex. There is definitely judgemental stigmatization that compounds the underlying problem.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Avatar_default

    You're right, BV is caused when the balance of "bad" vs "good" bacteria is thrown off and the bad bacteria take over. If one lesbian partner has BV it's very common for the other partner to have it too, suggesting it's sexually communicable.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Avatar_default

    In case it's not clear, the reason it's a bad design is because getting the dildo to go in-and-out leads to intermittent vibration - very frustrating. I actually like the dildo attachment for its own sake, but I use it on its own, I don't attach it!

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Avatar_default

    @slosh, it's cool to ejaculate if you find the sensations fun. I found them scary for many years, and am only now starting to think that maybe I could turn that overwhelming sensation into some fun.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    I don't think you had a very good gyno appointment, btw. I say, get a new doctor, or go to a PP clinic or someplace that is not insinuating you got a vaginal infection because you slept around. Good grief.

    Next, simple anwers. Gloves are to avoid blood infection. Got cuts on your hands? Is your girlfriend menstruating? Just think about it real simply... blood, open wounds.

    COndoms are so thin they're hard to cut open and use suavely... saran wrap works better. Or a dental dam. They're thicker.

    YOu didn't get a bacterial vaginal infection from muffdiving.

    Go look at some real basic STD and safe sex sites. There is nothing special about lesbianism, vis a vis safe sex. "Safe sex" just means harm reduction. It's like deciding whether you're going to sneeze in public or cover your mouth with your sleeve.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    NO, I didn't, this format obscured your answer to me. I went back and answered with the info you gave me. Sorry for misunderstanding.

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    Your vaginal infection was unlikely to be caused by "cooties" from anyone else. The same would be said of candida, bladder infections, and other infections women often suffer through.

    "Practically" speaking, your suseceptability to HIV, gonorrhea, and sphyllis, is largely determined by your zip code. Are you in an area where there is an epidemic? Use condoms and avoid blood and semen contact.

    If you are fanatical about other people's fluids, you can do the same thing dental hygenists and paramedics and doctors and nurses do: Use PPE, "Personal Protection Equipment." But you will be considered bizarre if you do this in a low-risk lesbian community.

    the thing you are most likely to get from lesbian sex is:

    a common cold,
    and
    herpes.

    But I would say that about anyone, not just lesbians. Herpes doesn't need sexual contact, it travels more easily, through skin and surface contact. If you are concerned about THAT, start taking acycolvir prophylactically.

    Ask a PP clinic, or your gyno, to give you the basics of practical STD prevention. You are one of the "worried well," someone who has not been exposed to a lot of sexual activity or basic sex ed, or science education. You might want to take a community college class in biology or physiology, or health science.

    Good luck and happpppy dyke sex ahead of you!

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Laurenkientz1-2_small

    I'm sorry, are you calling "foul" because you think I'm making it up? This whole thing has been very traumatic for me. I'm not making it up. Maybe it was just stress and a hormonal imbalance, but it happened right after I'd had unsafe sex with a woman I didn't know well. And the health care workers grilled me on my sex practices. I'm sorry, but it's no fun telling Alex from Grey's Anatomy what I'm up to the bedroom (my last visit was with two men--a resident and a medical student. I was on my universities HMO and yes I'm changing during open enrollment).

    Susie, did you see the more details I provided above?

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Polaroidstoryofo_small

    ,Kristin and LoveofMystery are correct. I call "foul" on this whole question.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Erotic-sex_small

    I didn't realize bacterial vaginosis was an STI. I thought it was more of a PH disruption issue.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Photo_on_2012-01-03_at_17

    Can't you get bacterial vaginosis WITHOUT having any kind of sex play with anyone?

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Photo_on_2011-05-23_at_16

    That was a great video! Thanks for sharing! I had no idea it was so complex!

  • Comment on Susie Bright's answer…
    Laurenkientz1-2_small

    Ok, thanks.

    A. the docs decided it was bacterial vaginosis b/c everything else came back negative. The first outbreak was more severe than the second (both got worse right after my period. It was the first time I'd ever gotten a vaginal infection). General antibiotics were given each time.

    b. 30.

    c. I was married for ~9 years to a man. We were each other's only partners and he was my first as well. It had been about 2 years of no sex with him before I had my first encounter with a woman.

    The woman I was with before the infection was the only woman I didn't ask about safer sex practices......and she told me afterwards that she had had cervical cancer as a young woman, but that she was healthy now (except she hadn't been to a doctor in years). Ugh.

    It could be that the bacterial vaginosis was just stress related, but I want to be more prepared next time and less of a wide-eyed noobie.

  • Comment on K's answer…
    Avatar_default

    It's fair to ask even a random hookup when they were last tested and if they were negative, remembering that people lie or are just misinformed. From there you make your own risk-based decision. If your fingers have her vaginal secretions on them, not a good idea to then put those fingers in your vagina. Put a condom on that toy before she uses it on you then change condoms before you use it on her. I think it's reasonable to use gloves at any point but I'm not a lesbian. I'm just a provider who tries to give my patients all the information so they are empowered to make their own sexual health decisions. You should read sites with good, honest information about STIs so you know what the signs are and how they're transmitted. Talk to your nurse practitioner/midwife/GYN about this. S/he will have a ton of great tips and resources for you. If s/he throws you shit for your sexual practices or you don't feel comfortable with them find a new one. It's an important relationship. And remember, just because you're not having sex with men you still need a pap and pelvic exam, or at the very least a pelvic exam every year.