I thought Racer's answer was hilarious, to be honest, as an outsider but also someone who's raised a child... don't get worked up over it or you WILL seem freakish :)

That said, I had a heavy 72" mahogany cheval mirror(google it if you dunno what I mean). Guess what happened when she started the walking-by-grabbing-everything-along-the-way? The mirror stopped being mobile and started being a massively anchored WALL mirror. We brainstormed and got special heavy duty brackets--it was an antique heirloom of my great grandmother's--and padded the wood/bracket contact points so that it wouldn't scratch, wrapped the base and the metal knobs in that thin but squishy styro-sheeting, put in the top of the master bedroom's closet-knobs taped to the wrapped base-and it stayed that way until our baby was suddenly in school and we eventually redid our room to be our master bedroom again and less of a baby break crash zone! It was worth losing the unused ultra close up side and the la dee da loveliness in the short term to not worry about harming anything or anyONE.

If it can hurt the baby, then like the comment earlier re: making the house mostly yeses, reserve no for important things. In particular, have no be for important things that ALWAYS apply, like playing with hopefully-child-proofed sockets, pulling cords to anything, reaching up to get anything off the counter since who knows what else will be dragged off, or climbing on anything but designated seating/bedding. At that age, they think in mostly absolutes, so don't have one mirror okay and another not. To them, it could be that all big is bad and all small good, but early language development would deem that that all mirrors--the NOUN not the ADJECTIVE--are hopefully good (how else will you eliminate the Elvis-wouldbeproud crooked lipped grin from 18 years of school photos? :D).

Picking your battles involves--now while you've got a little leeway and he isn't getting into EVERYTHING ALL the time--going through the entire house and deciding what you'll allow to stay in baby's reach and what you'll remove. If it has to for some reason be in baby's general arm length but is not okay for baby, BOLT IT DOWN--I'm talking half ton+ Tapcon concrete anchors here. Babies are worth a whole house's weight in PERSISTENCE, so you have to make it very clear that it is a permanent fixture, part of the wall, not something mobile, not just yet! Save your hair for the call about the broken leg at summer camp a solid ride-to-ferry, ferry-ride-to-island, and hour-to-camp away! That's when it'll REALLY be a thin wisp of frazzled gray :)

Hi Emily, I thought about your question for a couple of days before answering. I appreciated all the detail that you included. I could not come up with an answer or suggestion that would fit into this kind of format.
Your child is at the age where most children begin to gain some control of their emotions. Because your child has the speech challenge, and strong attachment to her preconceived notions, and a strong history of tantrums, and you have tried everything, I suggest that you seek some professional help.
The speech therapist may be able to recommend someone. I'm sure that Roslyn or Lenore could recommend someone, too.
Tantrums are very hard on everyone involved. I'm sure that you can get some individualized help that will get your family back in top shape soon.
Your child is lucky to have a loving parent like you, who is looking for solutions rather than punishments.
Vinnie

I often find that the most obnoxious and disruptive children I deal with are the one's who's parents are more "traditional" in their discipline. Living with rules that are set without explanation and enforced with violence or deprivation makes for a kid who tries to set rules with their peers using violence.

My parents were hippies, so I'm on the second generation of non-violent parenting. I remember my aunts being amazed by how polite my siblings and I were when we were kids, while their kids were fucking assholes most of the time. My own daughter uses please and thank you most of the time (she's not perfect, of course). She doesn't automatically obey an adult, she expects rules to be explained and will debate a rule endlessly. That makes me proud.

Keep nice things out of reach until they are old enough to respect them?

Bauhaus is very very very right. I will add also some sardonic evil that's erupting from my brain right now:
-Your 5 year old is spilling and dripping, especially when excited to just be there? That's shocking. She likes art and can't keep her pens capped and paint from spilling?
Wow. Amazing. How do you survive?
...
Just how many 5 year olds did you know/see before meeting your daughter? Who moves to a beautiful new rental house with precious wood everywhere ...with their 5 yr old and doesn't expect to lose (and double even) their damage deposit?-

i.e. That's not misbehavior, that's normal - hell, she's even above average already. and considering you've brought massive chaos onto her life by moving, she may even subconsciously feel like she owes you some trouble. All things considered I think you're ahead of the game.

Kids are messy & chaotic. You can choose to have it be a pain in the keister OR a charming virtue of their innocence & potential: which do you think pays off in the long run...? Your cool collected rolling-with-the-punches will speak volumes to her more than any 'lesson' about respect for things. Respect for people is the real lesson, right?

Be Firm and serious with that "no" like at no other time in their short life. Raise your voice a little, and don't blink until they do.

Now,
I'd like to play baby's advocate here:
What exactly is wrong with a baby TOUCHING a mirror??? Babies fucking LOVE mirrors.

Is it some sort of a broken shard laying loose on the floor? , or is it a framed or handheld mirror? Seems to the BabyCivilLibertiesUnion and me (From Your Example) that you're maybe being a little bit of a control freak. Tell him to keep the convertible under 60 and always use a condom and his life will be ok - the rest is more or less chance anyway.

Make a chart with felt shapes that have Velcro on the back. Stick these to the chart if she completes the task. If she goes a week without hassle and gets 85% done, give her a small reward. Don't make the reward a material thing, but rather an outing or doing something she enjoys. It works well for the kids I have worked with.

Hi, That is a tough situation. Unfortunately, it's common and I've experienced it myself.
How about you try this. Tonight, when everything is calm. Ask for her cooperation. Just say: "Please cooperate with me in getting to school and work on time. Let's work as a team."
Talk over the morning's incident without blaming. Just describe what happened and how you felt and why it is a problem for you. Maybe first, ask her the same questions. Then let her come up with the things that she needs to do. (SHe may leave out things like combing hair, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, etc.) Let her make a list and then allow her to follow it. Allow her to experience the results of her choices.
I trust her to self correct; do you?
Do you have any flexibility in your schedule?
Is there a problem at school that she wants to avoid?
Does she pick out her clothes the night before? Does she get all her school things packed up by the door?
You can check in with her in a couple of days to see how the plan is working. But please try to let her be responsible for her choices. You are teaching her a lifelong skill for success.
Let me know how this works out.

My sister had the same issues. She being now 10 and it has gotten worse. She throws tantrums. I just think she is crazy. Here are thing my mom did to try to help in the am.
1: Pack her things up at night so they are ready to go.
2: Pick out an outfit at night to wear for the next day.
3: Skip the hot breakfast and keep it to cold things. Cereal, fruit, ect.
4: Let her go to school with her hair all crazy. I am sure she wont let that happen more than once.
Those are just some things that helped out. Good luck.

I am going to quote the definition for ‘discipline' we give in our book, Positive Discipline the First Three Years:

When people talk about discipline they often mean punishment, because they believe them to be the same thing.

“Real discipline, involves teaching; in fact, the word itself comes from the Latin root disciplina, which means ‘teaching; learning.”

If this were the common understanding of the word, the ‘positive’ would be redundant.

Just to interject a different perspective, I am skeptical whenever people start to talk about how kids are being raised "here" or "these days". Opinions like this are likely 40% baggage from one's own upbringing (either for or against what they experienced), 80% based on media pseudo-phenomena ("Are our kids' addictions to the web causing a rise in blah blah blah"), and maybe 20% based on reality.

Consider this: the 'old way' or 'the way the do it in ____' (whatever the country is) did a pretty good job producing the anxious, dysfunctional, rude, depressed, antisocial, and occasionally criminal adults of today (including you and me). So how do we know that this supposed laxness is a real issue? It would take a few serious studies of how these kids are actually turning out before I believed that it was a real problem.

I suggest skipping breakfast and hair/teeth brushing if she's running late. Missing one or more of these for a morning or two isn't going to kill her, but it will certainly send your message loud and clear.

My first suspicion is that he may be watching enough TV to see violence treated as humor.

Or, are there other times he sees people laugh at some form of cruelty – stomping on bugs as if it’s a game; treating dogs or cats as objects of ridicule – that sort of thing. Written out it sounds so sinister, but casual cruelty gets condones in many subtle ways.

The flip side of this is to provide opportunities for him to learn to treat others with kindness.
Helping out at a food bank or animal shelter; spending time with an elderly friend or relative and of course, being sure that the touches he receives are kind (yes, I am referring to spanking here.)

Also, be sure to talk about the stories you read to him in terms such as: what do you think bear thought when the other animals wouldn’t play with him or how do you think elephant liked being laughed at. Do you remember how you felt when your friends laughed at your new haircut? This invites him to relate emotions he has felt to what others feel - and thereby plant and nurture his development of empathy.

Between 3 and 5 years old children develop basic impulse control.

For a child aged 3.5, the first thing I would look at when parents consult with me is how discipline is handled. It is important to take a good look at what is working or what isn’t because older children still throwing tantrums may need additional help to deal with impulse control.

Whether a child turns out to need extra help or not, improved parenting will be a part of the picture. Without more details of this situation, I can’t offer specific advice aside from suggesting you work with someone who can help to sift through what may be going on and evaluate the problem with you.

I think that many in the educational field believe that children in recent decades were raised in a style that was in reaction to how the children's parents were raised. In short, many parents feel like they were raised in somewhat stifling, overly strict households. Their response, in the name of encouraging creativity and self-expression is to parent in a very hands-off way. Children are allowed to interrupt, run and scream, eat only what and when they want, and more. I feel that children thrive given structure. Those parameters give the big unknown world some needed boundaries. A parent that can't be pushed around by their kid exudes safety and confidence to all. That said, I am not afraid to constantly emphasize the positive with children. There are going to numerous small and large blows to developing self-esteem. Rewarding good behavior always trumps punishing bad behavior.

I believe the confusion comes from people associating the word 'discipline' with the concept of 'punishment' instead of the idea of parents and caregivers developing a way of teaching children the ability of recognizing the needs of others and exhibiting appropriate behavior in various settings.
Discipline as a word being too often used as a replacement for appropriate behavior or comportment.

I answered a question recently citing the lack of children being taught The Golden Rule as a reason that they do not show concern for the misfortune of others. My thought was that they first learn the concept of their own desire to be treated fairly so that they should then exhibit that behavior to others. Someone responded that "empathy doesn't come naturally to everyone" which of course was my point that it has to be diligently taught.

I once evaluated a student that had been taught by his parent that he "didn't have to show respect to anyone that hadn't earned it from him". You could not believe how chaotic this child's behavior was and the incredible disruption he presented in normal social school settings. The possibilities of this child's common behavior of running roughshod over others without concern leading to eventual problems with the law were obvious.

The greatest gift parents can give their children is the tools to be able to move through the myriad of social settings in our culture and be able to recognize or discern the appropriate behavior to use in each.

Yes.

I will say that I've been appalled at the ill manners of some of my daughter's friends. Parents are doing such a disservice to their kids by failing to teach them the basics of saying please, thank you etc.

I think the addition of the word "positive" in front of "discipline" comes from rejection of the idea that you have to bully or otherwise abuse your kids into behaving properly. The good old days kind of sucked. Hitting, ridiculing, and other means of negative reinforcement were commonplace.

Has the pendulum swung too far into lenience? I think so. But it's worth it to put the "positive" on there. There's a good middle way to strive for.

And, I don't know where you grew up, but yes, Americans are louts. There's definitely a cultural difference. Sorry about that.

Now gimme my mushroom, bitch.

Get up before she does and work for a couple of hours or so. I do this a couple of days a week and it's great.

Work then play with her, work then play with her. The play and attention will buy you time to work.

Set a timer for 15 minutes at a time. Play time then work time. You'll be able to stretch it out as she gets older.

Get a neighbor kid in to be a Mama's helper.

Make her an "office" with toys that get rotated in and out so she doesn't get bored.

Play music that is kid friendly.

Do a swap with another mom in the same situation.

This may sound weird, but give that child undivided attention play time with you. This means no texting, telephone talking, getting distracted.

It doesn't mean watching TV or playing a video game.

Often when kiddos are acting out like this they are really just wanting attention from us.

When you set aside 15 minutes to play with them - they lead the play, you do what they tell you, they are the boss of the play - they get the kind of attention they need and want.

This can by you tons of whine free time.

Now, I realize with all those kids it may be hard to do it, but make a schedule for everyone to get mamatime.

Same time every day - even just 10 minutes.

I think Rosyln is on the right track with this one...

It sounds like the little wench is getting encouragment from her parents to act this way.

I'd nip this in the bud immediately, because you're going to have a heck of a family problem if you continue on this path with the little vixen and your mostly wonderful older daughter.

I think it would be next to impossible to put the onerous of keeping things nice and smudge-free onto a five-year-old child. It may be that you'll have to kid-proof your house as much as possible. The arts and crafts room idea sounds like a winner - the "you can play in here but no where else in the house" approach may take...especially with a little girl.

If someone had told five-year-old me, "Hey, be careful. I paid $5000 for that sofa," I'm not sure that would have meant anything to me, and small children usually don't have a concept of what we adults appraise as nice. To them, it's another thing to examine or test or take apart.

You're lucky in this regard: she's a little girl. Little boys are very much a challenge in ways that little girls aren't.

There are a couple of levels to look at here. The behavior itself and that can be addressed specifically in many ways. You may want to talk with the teacher and counselor of the school to help in those areas. My focus comes from another direction and the text below will explain. If I am off base then discount my hypothesis.

Ideally it would be a good idea to have a more complete description of exactly what is happening and the actions of your child. Visit the school and ask to see the playground environment and talk to the playground supervision staff (probably best at a time when he is in class and other children are on the play area) and get their take on the interactions. Does it happen when they are running around, on particular equipment, or when standing in line.

You want to know if this is behavior of deliberately being hurtful to others or is there anything in his manner and play where it appears he is clueless as to how rough he is being.

There are children that are not as aware of their body in space, seek extra strong input to their vestibular systems and stimulation to their muscle and joint receptors. They will "slam and jam" around the play field to get the input they seek. It is important for them to get the input they need to be organized physically and stay focused when back in the classroom. Occupational therapists working in the schools see these kind of children as they get referred for evaluation as part of the special services teams. We often work with staff and parents to recognize their children's needs in these areas and help to have them get the "heavy work" they need for being in control.

It is a child like this that is sometimes the extra rough kid at school. The reason he thinks this is funny is because it would be the kind of play he would like and the rough play is what he is seeking in inappropriate ways. These children often do not have a clue as to the harm they causing other people and at kindergarten age this awareness of the needs of others is often just beginning to develop. Boys are often behind in the social conventions as compared to girls at this age also.

Only you know if this describes your child. Think to the kinds of play and movement you observe in him at home and think about the constraints of the school environment. Kindergarten often starts with lots of floor time and some seat time and as the year goes on turns into lots of seat time and less floor time. It is that transition that may have tipped the balance of his movement and input needs as we are now at the end of the school year.

I have lots of other questions but this kind of forum doesn't lend itself too well to an interview. If you wanted to talk directly to me about this it could be arranged. You could also talk to the occupational therapist that serves your son's school, but right at this time of year it is difficult to get any new referrals set up or find the time to consult on new situations.

Lenore answers discipline questions for me. Listen to her. Especially, no one technique works all the time. Have many techniques ready.
The only thing that I would add is talk to the child and try to gain his or her cooperation at a neutral time, that is, when the child is open to reason.

She might have celiac disease. My kid was very miserable and we found out there was food reason

Preschoolers are still learning about cooperation and sometimes their usual skills at self-control disappear much to a parents regret! Generally it is not useful to enter into a power struggle with a preschool child as they can often find a way to get the upper hand. I would wonder if the difficulties happen when the child is stressed, tired or hungry. If so addressing those problems would help. I would give the child some notice , for example saying I will help you get down because it is not safe to jump unless you can jump down yourself- or how about jumping into my arms. Sometimes just role modeling behavior is helpful, for example I am going to pick up three blue blocks- can you pick up 2 red blocks? Nothing works 100% of the time so it is good to have some ideas in mind. The best overall thing parents can do is to play with their child allowing their child to feel close and secure.

Babies are little scientists - once they can get around on their own they are really excited about exploring their world and they need those who care for them to keep them safe. I was glad to read your comment about gentle ways of teaching your child because the most important thing is your relationship with your baby! With that in mind, I would understand the baby as asking you many times if something they are doing is safe- you need to answer in a calm voice each time- 'you can't have that because it is not safe...'- You then want to give the child something they can have or do. For example if a child is banging on a glass table offer them an alternative thing to bang. Dr. T Berry Brazelton has a good book called Touchpoints that might provide good information on setting limits with young children.

I'm no expert, Anthony, and my kid is obviously not yours. We have, however, had a lot of luck with our 16-month-old by showing her alternative behaviors. For example, she loves to bang away on our cranky windows, so we've followed a two step approach: 1. When she bangs on the windows we make an exaggerated unhappy face and say very seriously, "Oh, we don't do that." Then we make a super happy face, bang our hands on the windowsill, and say, "We do this!" She'll tentatively whack the windowsill with a vaguely pensive look on her face, which we greet with ridiculous applause and praise. "That's how we do it!" She's then tremendously pleased with herself and joins in the applause.

We do have to repeat this sometimes, but it's worked really well to reduce the banging of windows and some other behaviors, like throwing her cup on the floor. I try to reserve it for big stuff, like safety, or stuff that drives me absolutely insane.

I also don't hold the unhappy face for very long, because her little face just collapses, her lower lip sticks out, and she starts to cry pathetically.

I have no idea if this is a good method or not, so maybe my daughter will end up blowing her college money on psychotherapy and spend her adult life in sackcloth and ashes.

Let's hope not, eh? Good luck to you!

I like to find ways to ‘make kids right’. By that, I mean finding ways for her to succeed and not get into trouble.
In this case, it sounds like she needs a place to get a bit messy.

Can a plastic tablecloth with towels over it provide a way to protect floors or furnishings?

Could she work at small desk with newspaper to protect the surfaces?

In nice weather, is there an outdoor space where water and a bit of exuberance won’t damage anything?

There are even soap crayons to use in the bathtub that might provide a solution.

What will it take to make messes less disastrous?

It is fine to learn to treat things gently, but we also need ways for our creativity and messiness to be OK. (Just ask my husband ☺).

Oh yes, and those uncapped markers get put away for the day. Tomorrow she can have a new chance to remember to cap them after use.

It is lots easier to decide what YOU will do rather than what you will TRY to make someone else do.

Tell you son that if he throws his food – YOU will . . . . what?

Help him carry his plate to the sink?

Help him clear his plate and excuse him from the table?

Take his food and clear it away yourself?

YOU decide - then DO IT (please, don’t threaten to do it, just do it.)

He’ll catch on – and no, he is unlikely to still be throwing his food when he is old enough to date (at least, probably not. The odds are in your favor here.)