I think the spirit of the holidays should not be lost in the mad rush to travel around to show up at a party that is thrown in the commercial spirit. Sometimes, we all just have to be a little selfish and do things the way we want.

De-skip-lining you're childrens have/has always been a big of a problem.

I here ya their!

A shawl and/or hat, or perhaps silk scarves if that's the way her tastes run. They're good for keeping warm and covering a sensitive scalp.

A visit from a local (to her) mobile manicurist might be appreciated if she's been unable to get her nails dealt with lately.

A massage therapy session.

A long call the day of and a promise to visit her as soon as you are able.

She needs your time and love. Send her a handwritten letter in the mail with some great story from your childhood about how she came through as a great Mom in supporting your growth and development and express how much that event affected your life and how much it means to you.

Also request a rescheduling of the "day" for the near future when you can go and visit her and treat that time like your own official Mother's Day. She may know by her treatment schedule when she might be feeling best to be active and "have a day" with you.

I'm in a similar situation. I erred on the side of taking my relative in because I could not stand the idea of her on the streets. But make sure you say, for instance, that this is ONLY for three months (or whatever you can handle). Say that you function better living alone and can't handle roommates long term. There is a real possibility that once in, he won't kick into gear, look for work, etc. if he gets too comfortable. If he doesn't leave, there's really nothing you can do that isn't a huge hassle and your living space will become a war zone. You'll have to split on him...and what a drag, right?

These are hard times. Harder than I've ever seen in my long lifetime. Family is family unless they prove otherwise. Help him out like a good brother but let him know a time limit will be enforced.

Good luck and peace.

I'm no expert counselor, but it sounds like there's more going on in his life than you can handle.

I'd start by telling him he's facing a lot of changes in his life, and perhaps he'd benefit by talking with a career counselor or personal counselor (minister, social, professional counselor) to examine his options and how he's been dealing with things.

Help him find other options other than sponging off you.
Trust your gut. If you couldn't stand him back then, you know you can't deal with him in your space now. If he asks why, you can tell him you're your own man now, and need your crib for your own activities. Or, level with him, but be prepared for the aftermath.

Good luck.

"I want to move away in a few months - back to Vancouver - because I'm pretty unhappy in this current situation, but I'm afraid of her fate. "

The alternative is staying with her for life, really.

"She won't seek guidance because she thinks she knows better."

There's never a better time to move than now. The situation isn't going to get any better on its own.

I can't say she'll do better, because I doubt she will, but what on earth are you going to do other than let her live with you for good?

Hey Bauhaus - it sounds like you've done a lot for your sister and I think she has been taking advantage of you; you don't deserve that. I also have relatives who are like this; I don't think they do it on purpose, but they (my relatives) manipulate people into supporting them because they can't take care of themselves, and then guilt-trip the supporters when they try to disengage. It's very abusive in a way.

bell hooks wrote a few books about love that I have found helpful, starting with All About Love: New Visions. I think reading that was the first time I had considered that "love" is how we treat people, not just something we say or feel. It's been awhile since I read it, but you might check it out - she writes about how abusive people will say they love you but then act in a very unloving manner, either physically or verbally. It's a small book and she quotes from some other authors, like Erich Fromm, who go more in depth if you want to pursue this subject for your own self-reflection.

I was going to suggest you see a therapist to help you figure out a strategy to part ways with your sister, which it looks like you are doing. I think if you give her a deadline - like 6 months - and offer her a list of some resources you will have been more than generous. You'll need to be firm - whatever you decide, don't give in, because that will just reinforce (in her mind) her beliefs.

It's true that life is really hard for older people in this crappy economy, but your sister might qualify for assistance for low-income seniors. If you want to offer her some resources for when you part ways, you might check local senior services - there might be some subsidized housing options for her, probably with a waiting list. If you do this I would suggest giving her a list of places to contact; make it clear that it's up to her to contact these places on her own. I think it will be better for her if she learns to ask for help for herself - it's been very helpful for me. If she's lucky she will be connected with a social worker who can help her develop a plan for being independent.

I'm wondering if your sister might have an undiagnosed or untreated mental issue - maybe ADHD? Poor decision making and not wanting to deal with difficult tasks/problems, especially regarding finances, are big flags. I was just diagnosed with ADHD at age 38, and learning more about why I have problems with the tasks that other people take for granted (like paying bills on time) is helpful. Of course since I've been reading a lot about adult ADHD I'm seeing it everywhere, so it may not be applicable to your sister. However if your sister does have ADHD and gets diagnosed, she might qualify for extra assistance - financially and help doing things like paying bills. It's up to you whether you want to suggest this to her but it might explain why she acts irresponsibly.

Whatever happens, you deserve to have a fulfilling life, and you shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing that. Good luck!

You can not absolve her of responsibility for her actions by paying her way. Sometimes people need to hit bottom before they can really take responsibility for themselves. You are just enabling her bad behavior. If she ends up in a shelter it is due to her own choices. Give her plenty of notice that you are moving and get on with your life. Or, be a prisoner of her manipulation.

We are called gruncle by my nephews son.

I think you have it correct though. It should be grand-aunt but that just sounds weird. Great-aunt is the more traditional way of referring to your grandparents sisters.

I was once invited to a friends house for Thanksgiving and when I asked what I could bring she said: The Turkey.

Now that was seriously over the top. But I did it anyway. Can't say I ever has Thanksgiving with them again but it all worked out fine.

Actually the turkey is the easiest part of the meal. It just takes a lot of time to cook, but very little else. The side dishes are much more work.

Still I'd do it. There are a lot of you and so it's not quite as bad as it might seem at first glance.

Not unless the three dishes are (1) rolls, (2) butter, and (3) a can of black olives.

Only if that guest is your mother or sister (or gay brother) Otherwise, one dish per guest or couple is sufficiently onerous.

"Some people think that a very powerful, magical person created our world as well as us and supervises us from somewhere up in the sky, rewarding us if we believe in him and punishing us if we don't.

Other people, including me, think that the evidence scientists have discovered showing that our world was created over a very long time by the natural forces in the universe makes more sense.

It's important as you grow older and think about this and many other important questions for yourself, that you always look closely at the evidence for anything someone asks you to accept as true."

Never feel guilty about not wanting to spend your limited vacation time cooped up in a house with family. We get eighteen years of that and - love them or hate them - you shouldn't have to do it all over again on your vacations.

Visiting someone else means you have to live by their rules and schedules. I adore my family, but I'm not spending 40 hours of accumulated vacation pay reliving a situation I was very happy to be done with.

You don't have to give excuses other than saying you just want to spend the holidays at home...your home. And don't feel guilty about it. Your relatives feel the same way or they'd come visit you.

I sat down and wrote out a long response to your question shortly after you posted it and when I pressed "Post Answer" it went *poof* into the ether and never showed on the site - the first time ever that happened to me. It was a 'MacArthur Park' moment and I didn't think I could recreate it. Now I see many folks have mentioned some of the points I wanted you to hear. So here is a later version to encourage you to find a course for yourself about this matter.

At some point in time your parents had to approach this moment and start their own traditions and not dutifully go to your grandparents home for the holidays. Usually this happens when children are involved, distance is great, or work or other schedules or resources make it an impossibility.

Your parents have forgotten this transition and are unwilling to have it thrust upon them. It marks a change in their own lives that they now are old enough to have grown children with families, desires and complications that make running home for Christmas an interruption in the normal pace of life for you. It's time for new traditions for you and them. You pursue developing pleasing patterns to follow with Mr. Rickibot and your extended family finds another way to continue the occasion of a family gathering some other time of year.

Now this could be that you (and Mr. R) make a shorter stay trip to them between Christmas and New Year's Day on some years or perhaps you get together in the summer or other time of year at some mutual agreed upon place - going to new sites as a group could be a great tradition and spark lots of ideas of "where next time". Plan it long enough to have together time and a family site-seeing outing, as well as a couple of good breakfasts and dinners to be remembered. Rent a cottage, an efficiency, a cabin on the beach, etc. and take a long walk with your folks daily while there. Go see Mt. Rushmore, Cape Cod, a city you've always wanted to visit as a family. You can find some great destinations at good weather times of year that are outside of the typical tourism time and save on accommodations. These times will build memories you will have for all time and are bound to generate some funny stories and events.

The "we can't pack all we need", "we need the bed we are used to", "what would we do about the pets", "we don't like the hassle of traveling" excuses will require the reminder that you have done all of that for them and in going to a new place everyone faces that problem. There are qualified pet sitters everywhere (oops! I hear J telling me the same goes for birds).

Before they come around to that line of thinking you will get the "guilt trip" comments and you will need to develop a clever statement or quip to use when these pop up - "You guys know I love you and want to see you, but for Christmas but we are establishing our own traditions." Use your script verbatim every time a new 'lay the guilt in your lap' statement comes up. They will begin to know it by heart and it will serve to remind them that they are guilting you at that moment. Use it on that sibling also.

So know that it is OK to be the renegade about this issue and push your family into a new pattern of family reunions. The fact that this is not a religious event makes this so much more doable. There will be a time when traveling will actually be difficult for elderly parents and you can meet those needs as best fits the situation at the time. But for now, grow into your relationship with Mr. R staying home for the holidays.

That sucks. I'm in a similar spot with parents in Seattle and in-laws in New Mexico, and I got the same thing the first time I spent Christmas away.

For me, I think it's just been a matter of being firm and letting them get used to it. Consistency helps. If they know they get to have you every other year (or every third year, or whatever), once you establish the pattern, they're less likely to complain. It also helped in our case to plead the in-laws case...they wanted to see us just as badly, so it's really only fair.

What did NOT help was that I usually decorate the tree, make the cookies, turn on the carols, etc., and now when I'm not there to do all that, I have to listen to my brother whining (and continuing to whine) about how I'm "ruining Christmas." All very well for him...he lives 20 minutes from my parents, and his wife is Jewish.

Anyway, be firm, be strong, and have a great time no matter where you are, regardless of what your family thinks or says.

Start a new tradition in the summer, or at least not during the holidays.
-cheaper plane tickets
-shorter lines
-maybe dividing vacation time between fewer trips

I never flew as a child. In college for two years I had to commute from Tacoma to Seattle everyday for class. Once I finally flew somewhere it felt to me just like a scaled up version of a commute. Instead of a 30 mile trip, it was a 900 mile trip. That first flight was in June.

The 4 times I've left Seatac on a trip there's never been any horror stories of bad weather, no super long security lines, no missed connections Once my int'l plane was landing at the same time my domestic connection was boarding. We ran the whole way and still made it. That was at the Phoenix airport.

That all said: Flying for just a 2-3 day visit would be a total chore. Every time I've gone some where by plane it was for at least a 4 week visit. If you're having to chop your vacay time in between Christmas and regular vacation, both end up being too short.

I say compromise on the time of year for family togetherness.

Why not invite them out here? If there's no religious significance, it doesn't even need to necessarily be exactly during Christmas. Like Fnarf says, you need to assert your adulthood and deserve an equal vote in planning family gatherings. And your reasons for not wanting to go out there are perfectly legitimate. Making an effort to arrange some sort of alternative gathering might at least help preserve feelings, even if it comes to nothing.

Though here's one secret if you've really got a spread out family: Las Vegas. You can fly there for relatively cheap from anywhere in the country and nobody wants to gamble around the holidays (or hold a convention) so lodging is usually super-cheap that time of year. (You don't actually have to stay in Vegas-- I think Vegas itself is mostly gross, but there are some beautiful areas near by). I think meeting on "neutral ground" can diffuse some of the tension of the parents/grownup children dynamic, and you can tailor the lodging situation to give every sub-family the level of privacy they want.

You need to have an alternate plan that you can preempt them with. That means your partner's family.

You may have to alternate families at Christmas, which might be a drag, but that's life.

On the other hand, you should not be traveling to your parents without him, because that's what "partner" means, and which complicates the question beautifully. "We can't come, because he doesn't have any vacation days left" is a solid excuse. Or should be.

You can also make other "just us" plans. You can make these sound like "we've always wanted to" plans -- "we've always wanted to see the Christmas lights in London/the coast/whatever". This means you are not reacting to their pre-planning but presenting them with your own plan beforehand.

At some point you have to stop being a dependent child and become an adult in control yourself. That means, in part, that the ideas about what to do on the holiday come from you too. You are not just part of their family anymore; you are part of his, and you are part of your own.

You could tell them "this Christmas is with his folks; last Christmas was just us; we'll get you next year".

I have an answer that people will probably not like, but here goes:

Tell them that it's keeping your options open and deciding not to pretend to know more than you do.

Misty Brown's answer is fantastic.

I think it is also helpful to refrain the use of the word Atheism and substitute Agnostic. Atheism is absolute. Meaning there is no God. Although this may be your belief, children and many others have a hard time with that philosophy.

Agnosticism leaves it more open. It's easier to convey and will make children a little more open to other ideas. They also won't have to prove to anyone that something exists or does not exist.

Critical thinking, logic classes, and teach them ancient mythology, and later comparative religion and the concept of syncretism.

If you teach them directly about atheism without the basics of *why* people are generally faithless, they might end up spite-converting later on in life :p

They'll also be more polite when interacting with other children, because they'll understand *why* the kids feel obliged to repeat what their parents say, why people feel "good" from the experiential found in Church, etc.

Also teach them to dance and sing in secular surroundings, that way they don't have to "let loose" elsewhere under strict conditions.

"Not worrying about it" is unwise. As unwise as 'not worrying about" pregnancy, drugs and criminal activity. It won't go away by ignoring it, and you're best off to do your duty as a parent and make sure your child gets the spirituality you want them to.

Be honest. Give it to them in short bites. Tell them what you believe to be the truth.
You can teach admiration for granparents without admiration for their religion.

If you're atheist, please refrain from exposing them to religious daycare/school/church services. That's like taking your kid to dick's/ruth's chris'/Peter Luger's all the time and then expecting them to become a vegan.

By Age 4 you should have begun laying the groundwork.

I had an old professor that never spoke to his children about atheism directly, and I remember him telling me one time about how much he always regretted that. What happened was that, because he never spoke openly to his daughter about it, when she got older she ended up being drawn into the Catholic church through her husband and became a VERY devout and conservative Catholic. He was a raging liberal atheist. It always upset him, and he always regretted never openly speaking about and having conversations with his daughter about atheism and why religions are false.

Not sure if that is right for everyone, but I still remember the look of sadness on his face anytime a question like this comes up in my life.

You don't deal with it directly. You teach your kids critical thinking, give them a breadth of experience, and show them that a lot of people believe a lot of different things that can't all be true. Then you teach them how to talk to people politely even when they're being... doubtful.

"Prove it" goes a long way. Knowing about the scientific method is very empowering. They should also know "Thank you for the conversation. I think we can disagree and still be friends."