"I have heard time and again that girls like assertive bad-boy alpha male douchebag asshole types".

The kind of "girls" who find these types of men appealing are probably not ones you would be interested in dating. Being attracted to asshole douchebags is usually symptomatic of problems. Grown-up women with good self-esteem want the same thing grown-up men with good self-esteem want: a considerate, kind partner who will respect and accept them. It's a cliche for sure, but no less true for it: what we find attractive is confidence. Assertive, yes. Douchebag assholes, no.

As a woman, it gets so fucking tedious hearing men bitch about how we "only" like assholes. I do not like assholes, male or female. None of my female friends, relatives or coworkers like assholes. I have heard countless men complain about how they can't attract women because they're "too nice". This reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of women's desires and priorities. For the most part, we are not clingy, infantile dimwits who need a "chest-thumping gorilla" of an emotionally abusive dick to make us swoon with our own helpless inferiority. And the men who complain the loudest about how their kindness, generosity and attentiveness is a HINDRANCE when it comes to dating are usually petulant, embittered and insecure - guaranteed vagina-repellent.

As a woman, my advice to you is the drop the whole nice-guy-martyr schtick and play up your strengths. Focus on what you like about yourself: what makes you a great friend, great dad and great (theoretical) boyfriend? Those things are the unique assets that make you awesome and will attract the kind of woman who shares similar values. Your ex's betrayal was no doubt a bitter blow to your self-esteem, but now you must build it back up. You don't have to make any excuses or apologies for who you are; the right woman for you will be attracted to YOU, not some 'roided out, over-aggressive bro.

Also: it may be more fun to meet people "naturally", but dating sites can help you find people who share similar values and goals, and weed out the evangelical-Christian-Republican dog haters. I recommend giving online dating a try.

If the two of you together is a good idea it will be a good idea a week, a month or even later from now. Nothing can kill a possible developing relationship like being smothered (when such attention is not welcomed or inappropriate).

Your prospective partner has already made significant decisions in life and has the responsibility of a son and maintaining some connection to his father (that will always be true). Her next choice in a long term relationship will be made with all of those factors in focus. You have a lot to learn about her and her world that goes well beyond the time you have spent together. She is not going to let you into those realms until she is far more sure of things.

The best course of action is to be the man that she will see as being worthy of the investment of time, trust and heart. You have plans for next week already. Perhaps find a way to communicate that you have a busy week ahead and confirm time and place to meet on Thursday, then let some days of silence happen. You will have more to talk about when you see each other.

No. It's too early to pop the champagne cork.

It takes three things to pass a law in this state, sometimes four.

1) it has to pass the House (we already had the votes lined up)

2) it has to pass the Senate (we didn't have the votes lined up until today)

3) it has to be signed by the Governor (she already promised to sign it as soon as she gets it)

4) SOMETIMES, it has to be approved by the voters before it goes into law. If the House or Senate feels that the people of the State should have a say, they can refer it to the voters for final approval or rejection. This is called a REFERENDUM. (root word refer). This is what happened with R-71. The Legislature referred it to the voters.

Keep in mind that none of these actions, 1, 2, 3 or 4 have taken place yet. What happened today is that we lined up enough PROMISES to vote yes for step number 2, that everything can move forward.

It will be voted on in the House, and enough Representatives have promised to vote Yes, that it will make it through when the vote is taken. But the vote hasn't been taken yet, we just have the promises of yes votes in the House.

Then it will go to the Senate. Today, we secured the promise of a yes vote from Sen. Haugen which means there are enough promises of yes votes that it will pass the Senate, when the day of that vote comes, and it hasn't yet.

And the governor has promised to sign it, but she hasn't yet, because she can't until the Senate and House vote yes on it and hand it to her. It is still possible that it could be referred to the voters

It is possible that it will have to go to a vote of the people. The House or Senate could still vote to approve it, on condition the voters agree, and force a referendum.

It could also pass steps 1-3, become a law, and then have enough signatures filed by the anti-gay groups to force it onto the ballot in an INITIATIVE trying to repeal it.

Today we secured the necessary 25th vote for it to pass step 2 (the Senate), WHEN THAT DAY COMES, but that day has not yet come. And we still don't know if this is a case where there will be a step 4.

Further, when all is said and done, it will take several months for the law to take effect. Laws don't kick in right away, there is always a waiting period of a few months.

Bottom line, nobody is getting married this weekend because of what happened today. All that happened today is that we got the promise of the needed 25th vote from Senator Haugen to get it through the Senate.

PURE SPECULATION: I'll bet Senator Haugen was planning to vote yes all along, but knew her vote would get more and more valuable the closer it got down to the wire. I'll bet she "traded" her promise to vote yes for a promise from some other Senators to vote yes on something she wants. Don't be surprised if you see a new bridge built to Camano Island (her home) or one of the many transportation projects she supports moved ahead all of a sudden. She is a savvy politician. She knew that vote was worth solid gold, and I'll bet she horse traded to get something she wanted for it. I kind of hope she did. She's a pistol, and one of the smartest people in our State Government today.

Been there, and I promise it gets better.

I hate to ask, but why did the relationship end (you don't have to answer that here)? I only ask because that may inform your future actions or choices. People that break up due to abuse, due to infidelity, due to different goals...all of these might be lenses you use to view new potential partners, and that may help or harm you. Let your experience be something that enriches you and teaches you, but don't go so far as to define or constantly compare new partners with the old. In a relationship as long as yours, I think that may be the biggest hurdle. You've hardly known anything or anyone differently.

I'd take some time to be single. Relax and learn who you are as your own person, because you've been part of a pair for over half your life. Cultivate your own personality and interests. Cultivate some good friendships and non-romantic relationships. Allow yourself this time to heal up and regain your confidence and trust before you go out on the market. Don't rush anything. When you're still feeling raw and paranoid is a bad time to get back into things, and will do you and your new partner no favors.

If there's things in your house that bring up painful memories, put them away for a while. Don't make your living space a shrine to a sad past. Get out of the house (if you have a dog, take extra walks). Take some classes, join a book club. See a new movie with a friend once a month. Get to be on a first-name basis with people at your favorite hangouts. If you stay in touch with mutual "couple friends," maintain those relationships, but don't talk about your ex. Maybe go out and buy a new item of clothing that makes you feel confident and beautiful. Hang out here on QL and answer some questions. I know helping other people makes me feel good.

It's sort of like meditating when you have trouble clearing your mind. Don't force the images out, because they come back stronger than ever (like telling you not to think of elephants). Hold your memories and your pain, acknowledge your feelings, and then let them go.

One of my favorite quotes in troubled times: "Use everything in your life to create your art." (Stanislavsky).

It is a little like Newton's first law of motion. We like staying with the state we are in (at rest or in motion) - that is, it is comfortable to keep your heart in the mode it is in.

Accepting change is uncomfortable and strange and puts your mind in a state of flux, feeling unattached and less safe. The key is to come to the realization that you are a complete person unto yourself, you will survive, you can be happy.

What you eventually want in your life is someone that complements you, your energy and your direction. Two complete persons on a journey together has a strength unlike other relationships. You will find it again, it will find you.

Asking if your partner has "the right" to be upset about something makes it sound like you're just looking for an excuse to dismiss her feelings. It doesn't matter if it's logical or reasonable for her to be upset about it- she is. She's concerned. Being with her and caring about her means helping her get through feeling upset and concerned (especially when it's about you- you're the only one who can field those). It's not fair to be with her and say you care about her and also say (explicitly or otherwise), "You don't have the right to these feelings, therefore I'm not interested in hearing about them."

As far as the actual issue goes, I agree with other answerers who mentioned that your timing for volunteering these extra details was just really bad. Good on you for telling your girlfriend about your past cheating early on, but telling her the nitty gritty facts when she was in tears having just heard about a friend's betrayal probably made her feel questionable about your own relationship. It demonstrated a certain level of cluelessness about/lack of sensitivity toward your girlfriend's feelings, it associated you in her mind with someone that she's upset with (the friend's cheating partner), and it was probably info that she never wanted anyway. Also- the fact that she was unpacking a moving box as you guys had this talk makes me think that you guys just moved in together? If so, she's just made a major commitment to you- not exactly the time a girl wants to hear all about the extended affair you had during your last committed relationship.

I also have to throw out that I'm a little confused about your statement that you "don't believe in absolute monogamy"- you didn't enlarge upon this in your question, but I have to wonder if you and your girlfriend have actually discussed what the boundaries are for your relationship and if so, what they are. Did you agree to a monogamous relationship with her although telling her that that's not something that really feels right to you, are you practicing nonmonogamy with a "don't ask, don't tell" clause, etc.? If you're practicing some form of nonomonogamy, now might be a good time to make sure that that's going okay for her emotionally. If you're practicing monogamy, she may have taken your detail-spilling as a move towards asking to open the relationship or a confirmation of doubts that she's having about whether you're going to be able to remain monogamous.

The only way to know, however, is to ask her.

The he's-a-loner-with-not-much-support part is not your mess.

I think it's commendable that you want to be friends, I think that can be a sign of a good (or at least well-intentioned) person.

It is important that you suss out your motivation--are you trying to remain friends to make yourself feel better, or him feel better?

I would not recommend pursuing a new, just-friends relationship with him unless your honest answer was "both". Otherwise, it's either selfish or pity.

but if it is both, you are going to have to give him some space, approach later in a no-threatening way and be VERY direct. I say that because it sounds like he is not particularly down with the direct communication. If you go back in, but are not clear, I think you runt he risk of communicating accidentally that you are wanting to date again, so new terms and boundaries should be clarified clearly and early--no sense in rewounding the poor guy right?

If it was me, I would begin with some base-touching/ checking in. Then some neutral, low-pressure, bids for connection in public places and with other people (parties/ group dates/ evenst) would be a great place to start--plus you can set him up to expand his social circle.

At a minimum you should tell his cowardly ass to drop off your equipment himself.

I suppose he can't drop off his own equipment because the new girlfriend apparently has it in a vise grip or in her nightstand. *rimshot*

Of course you are right that her insecurity speaks poorly of her, and bodes ill for their chances. What is he going to do, cut off all female contact in his life? Is he going to cave every time she's annoyed or uncomfortable about something?

If you value the friendship, you might consider giving this a few weeks to play out and then give him shit when/if he sheepishly crawls back to tell you it went south and to beg your forgiveness. It doesn't mean he wasn't your friend--it just means that at times (like now) he might just suck at it.

Writing is always a good endeavor for the soul.

I think that in the process of composition we tend to learn to honor the power of a word, a particular word, just the right word, to complete the picture of a thought.

Experiencing this makes us better communicators and to a degree better speakers. Even today with all of the talk-talk din of opinion radio/television/media any of us can be amazed by the delivery of a good orator. Not just in substance but in style.

You will find a voice in the writing about your companion animals and like it, decide to continue or move on to another subject. There may be the thrill of finding that your thoughts are enjoyed by others. Keeping a diary or journal used to be a way that folks recorded their thoughts in hard copy for their own purpose alone. With the blog it becomes about having others read over your shoulder which is a different dynamic altogether.

.........................
I have to stop here or I will find it hard to not tell you about my parrots.

A betrayal of trust and intimacy.

If you are intimate in the same way (or more so) outside your relationship than in it, you're having an emotional affair.

If I was sharing things with another person which my partner could reasonably expect that I would only share with her, I'd be having an affair. Keep in mind this takes into account deals and understandings between partners beforehand about what is and isn't appropriate.

I'm guessing the reptilian shapeshifter thing would be a reference to the main alien cats in the show 'V', which was an older show that was recently redone to fit a more modern format. If that's the case -or even if he's referring to something else- and he wasn't laughing when he said it, this may be a bigger problem.

I've had some experience with this kind of fanaticism, and unfortunately, every time l did, it was linked to mental illness. First was my uncle, a paranoid schizophrenic who felt his only solution to preventing a government takeover of his soul was to join a remote ashram in India, where he became increasingly nuts and at one point in his young son's life, fed the child mushrooms, if l recall correctly.

Then there was the boyfriend who began normal, and four months into the relationship began reading some alien blog, completely lost his fucking marbles in a matter of a week, decided the alien mothership was going to annihilate all but a lucky few of the humans, that he was a chosen one, that the nearest ship was landing in Ashville, NC (we were in Atlanta), and then promptly moved there. Never saw him again (but had a concerned talk with his parents and discovered he was manic depressive) and immediately decided l was forever done with dating the crazy.

Then shortly after the boyfriend, the female friend l had just met who informed me she was in my life mainly because apparently, l was her next mission of mercy, for whom she would provide "complete and total mental and physical healing", according to her. I didn't know if that was just the most elaborate come-on l'd ever heard, but when she suddenly informed me one day l was 'disturbed' and began chanting around my head in the middle of a quiet restaurant, l told her l felt fine, so l must have liked it that way, and left.

Now don't get me wrong; l'm a spiritual person who occasionally entertains the thought that we're not the only intelligent life in the universe, or that there aren't some dastardly plans within systems of great power that have ulterior motives. But despite entertaining these ideas, until l have proof, they really are just theories, as is my spirituality. When a person begins to believe in everything *but* that which has been proven -and is willing to fight over, not discuss these things with friends- paranoia is bound to set in; it goes hand in hand with not *really* knowing what IS going on behind the scenes. And with growing paranoia comes an inability to distinguish what's real and what isn't, which leads to whole host of various mental illnesses. Either way, this is a worrisome development if he's never been this way before. I would second the recommendation to agree to disagree on these topics, and if that doesn't work, consider distancing yourself.

Okay, to be clear...are you dating or not? You say you're a "couple" and include it in quotes, but then you say you aren't dating. This needs clarification.

Otherwise, taken on face value, l'm not sure there's much you can do for her. She's seeing a therapist but sees no value in doing so, and therefore it's essentially going to be useless to her.

Everything you're listing here is a big red flag. She isn't sick because her various herbs and tonics aren't working, she's sick because she's in a constant state of anxiety, hopelessness, and general depression. And if a regular concern of hers is 'if anything is real', then you may have a MUCH bigger mental health problem on your hands than you currently realize. l have a whole crew of people on one side of my family who don't believe anything is real (or what they do believe is real isn't even close), and they are/were suicidal, bipolar, paranoid schizophrenic, or a combination of the above. You may very well be right in the 'brilliantly mad' part - some of our most influential and brilliant icons were also just fucking nuts.

The problem there, however, is that you may not be able to help her beyond voicing your concerns and saying that you love her, but can't have a relationship with her unless and until she really starts getting the help she needs - or committing herself to the psychiatric help she's already getting. You aren't her shrink; she has one, which indicates she knows she probably needs it, but she's not dedicating herself to it. This -and everything else you're telling us, combined with my experience and knowledge of certain untreated mental illnesses- tells me she's got some serious issues going on, and the only thing you can do is encourage her to pursue help, and support her throughout. But don't get embroiled in trying to fix her, or thinking you have any control over this; she's got stuff going on that has nothing whatsoever to do with you or anyone else.

Just encourage her to get the help she needs, and realize there's only so much you can do unless you're a licensed PhD.

l would also venture that not being in a relationship is probably more of a blessing than a curse in her case.

Warm lips I get to wet,
Cold toes that I get to warm up,
Lovely curves,
and an amazing mind...

but the "thing" that triggers most is when she's sipping coffee, reading, and glances up at me under long lashes - even the briefest look sets me afire.

Five months is a good amount of time to date. You know you like each other, or you probably wouldn't still be dating.

But you both have conflicting and busy schedules, and that makes it challenging for a relationship - or at least one in which you haven't set clear boundaries, both for your space together, or for the space you need for yourselves.

This sounds like a generally -generally!- simple issue to me. You don't have enough time for each other and yourselves, you want more for both, and you're dealing with the guilt trips and stress to and from each other as a result. This part is normal. And you *can* work around it, but you both need to be fairly lenient.

What should be a concern is how you communicate that. When you both have things to do for yourselves, as you said, it shouldn't be a point of contention, right? But it is. We humans tend to take our own feelings of inadequacy out on each other, so who knows, maybe he's punishing you for not feeling available enough. While the base reason is important, the ability to talk about it is paramount, so find out what's REALLY bothering him, make sure you address and avoid crappy texts that indicate dismissiveness like "Okkkkkkkkkkkk" - and then STOP trying to have difficult discussions like that in text to begin with. The minute it starts getting ugly in text (and we all read things different ways, though l agree with your interpretation of the text in question, and that you should have been at least talking on the phone to begin with), STOP. Say, "Call me, and let's talk about this in person", or "Let's calm down a bit, and then talk", or some other variation. There are statistics being collected on how many breakups occur through online or text interactions, and it's pathetic. Don't be a fucking statistic, and l mean that in the very kindest way.

Don't apologize if it's truly not on your part, but be very, very vigilant about examining your own part in it, no matter how small it may be; as you said, name-calling doesn't help. These things are important, and may be a fulcrum in how well your relationship moves. Remember you're in this for a reason, and if you don't *both* benefit from that reminder, then you're facing a problem.

And if his priority is having fun on top of all the priorities you both have to deal with (which is understandable, but obviously limited), consider whether your final priorities match up. lf you want a night in because you're always tired and he wants a night at the bar, these things should be considered.

But no, to answer your original question, you aren't losing it. You're dealing with real-life issues, real-life jobs, and real-life situations that occasionally need an outlet. This is true for all of us. Hang in there.

Guys who ask you out in that general way know exactly what the code means and are asking you in a very polite way. It is totally alright to just tell them no.

If you later become friends and they ask you in the normal-friend way, you will easily be able to say yes/no without feeling weird about it. There is a HUGE difference between the two types of asking.

It is much better to just be honest. They are really asking, "are you open to dating me?" and if you say anything but "no thanks" you will only be confusing them. Guys ask that way to not creep you girls out - it just comes across nicer and with a lot less pressure involved.

Just saying "no" may seem harsh, but it's really not. Most guys that have the courage to ask you out like that are totally fine with the rejection (or as fine as we guys can get - it still hurts a bit ladies so be nice). You will be avoiding him getting his hopes up if you say some form of yes but don't mean it, or confusion when you say things like "sure, but lets invite xxxx" or something like that. The guy will just be left wondering...was that a yes or a no?

There is a huge difference between "wanna grab coffee (from a guy interested in you)" and "wanna grab coffee (from a friend)". So treat it exactly as you would a guy asking you on a date, cause that is exactly what they are doing.

Just be open and honest. Share your needs, share how much you care for him, but be clear that you just need more. Like all complicated, emotional things there might be a period of adjustment. He might be hurt. Sometimes, we just have to risk that for the happiness that we need in life.

It may also be worth re-examining why exactly you are not satisfied with this four year relationship. Living together on its own is not really that big of a deal - what IS a big deal is what comes with living together - the commitment, the security, the clarification that, in fact, you two are in love and spending your life together. My guess is THAT is what you really need in your life.

Is it possible to get all that while still living alone? I know several happily married people that actually maintain separate homes. It is not the traditional way, for sure, but it works for a lot of people because it lets them have their own space, while still spending nights and time with their partner.

Not saying that would be right for you, but you might want to look at WHY you want to live with someone, and see if you may be able to get all of that without necessarily living together.

Otherwise, just be honest and tell him the truth. There is no magical way to say it that won't put your friendship at risk - the best you can do is be honest and caring in your approach.

Practice.

Practice on yourself, out loud if possible, but in your head if need be.

Practice on friends and family is much better. You'll bomb and fail a great deal at first, so be humble.

Practice the same story over and over again. Tweak it, change wording and timing and the order of events. Try telling it in third and first person.

It doesn't need to be real or even make sense: "Once there was a homeless man who had a pink bazooka..." Then what? There are an infinite number of possible thens at any given point in a story; being a good story teller is about doing things unexpected with the threads you have already given your audience. It's about holding back the right amount, going for it when need be, and showing and telling in the right proportion.

A couple of good pointers is if you're completely stuck, state something obvious. "The sky was blue;" is better than dead air. And be sure to make things happen. A story all about moods and internal states is MUCH harder to make work.

As a starting point, take one of your short personal anecdotes and tell the story of what you wished had happened or what might have happened. Another good launching point is one of those short story generators online. Just do it all out loud or in your head; being able to write a good story does not always translate to being to tell one.

If you have trouble doing things to reduce your inhibitions can be very helpful. On that subject, sit at the bar and start swapping stories with strangers. You'll bomb some of the time, but some of the best storytellers I've met have been random people in bars.

Vive la différence. Apart from the endless renewable frisson that comes with such relatively trivial bickering, there are clear mutual benefits in tempering each other's tendencies. Someday she'll thank you for teaching her how to loosen up, relax, and enjoy being spontaneous; and you may look back and appreciate how she kept you from doing something you would have regretted.

You have an awesome yin/yang thing going on. When the nitpicking starts to wear on you, just step back, smile, and appreciate the constructive tension for what it is.

But seriously, big plates go on the outside for a reason.

I hate to admit it now, but I was totally on your boyfriend's side of the argument back when I first met my husband. I was friends with a lot of guys, which was not such a big deal for him, including some exes, which was.

When he insisted I ditch the exes, as a prerequisite to continuing our relationship, I did NOT get it. In retrospect, I am a bit embarrassed about how hard I fought him on it at first. I hadn't really looked at relationships very seriously before him, and the process of learning how to see his side of the argument really deepened my understanding of intimacy in the end.

My perspective now is that you are, of course, totally in the right on this, but also keeping in mind that your bf might really and truly have thought it was no big deal. If he has agreed to stop seeing her, and does follow through, it may end up being something that brings you closer together. If he won't bend, or if he keeps seeing her behind your back, he isn't really ready to be a solid, monogamous partner.

Serious: you could read up on whatever topic you're going to be interviewed about--I find that this usually leads to surfing Wikipedia for hours, reading related information.

Silly: look on Youtube for nut shots or clips involving stupid animal tricks. If that's the kind of thing you find funny, it works wonders for lifting your mood. My husband can do this for hours, especially if he starts watching the chimp falling backwards off a log video. 15 seconds of hilarity. Or, if you need it, Cee Lo. Silly blogs I like are CakeWrecks, small doses of LOLcats, and, like Basil, Order of the Stick.

Other: I find that strenuous exercise works wonders, as does difficult (for me) yoga postures. If you're physically tired, you'll sleep instead of brood, and you'll want to be well-rested for your interview. Go walk several miles or run tonight and you'll feel better. As for the yoga, when I'm doing a difficult posture, I find that my mind goes clear since I'm focused on maintaining balance/awkward position so much that I can't think of anythng else. It's nice.

Oh, and have something for dinner that you love but the boyfriend doesn't/didn't. Just because.

I don't know. I don't see this as things going well like new york state of mind suggests. I am assuming you guys were close when you were girlfriend and boyfriend for three years. And now you have been apart for over a year.

I guess it would depend on a couple things -

why is she going slow with you now? Was that how she acted when you guys started dating before?

I assume you had a sexual relationship before, do you have one now?

I guess my biggest suggestion is always to talk to her. Why does she want to take it slow? Was she seeing someone else during that year apart? Is she still? Does she ACTUALLY want to be with you, or does she feel pressured into doing it because you moved to Korea for her?

These are the kind of things I would be asking her, and NOT in a "reassure me or I will be upset!" way, but in an open, honest, and supportive way.

Talk to her about what SHE is feeling and in a way that you make it clear you are not going to be hurt by her honest answers, you are just curious where she is at.

I kind of get the sense that she is probably a conservative, and dutiful girlfriend - and being apart a year you suddenly moved across the world to be with her and she MAY not know how to tell you that she didn't want to re-start the relationship that way.

If the girl wasn't begging you to move out there to be with her, then you might still have a chance of restarting the relationship - but I think you should make it clear that if SHE wants to just be friends from here on that you would be totally ok with that. Take some of that pressure off her so you can see where she is really at, before you start trying to push her into the relationship again.