If you really don't want to say anything to him about it directly (you already got lots of great advice on that topic), demonstrate your point. If it's in a closet or laundry room, start using that space more often. Find excuses to go and leave things there, or start a project in there that needs some room and quiet time...not in an attempt to accidentally walk in on him, but so that he sees that this spot is no longer available for masturbating privately.

With luck, he'll choose a better spot (preferably behind a locked door). If he doesn't, you'll have to say something. And this changes from family to family, but it might be less embarrassing coming from his dad.

First, you are doing great by stating that masturbation is a common and normal behavior in men of all ages but certainly in teen boys. Perhaps one of the hardest conversations for a parent to have (based on the infrequency of them), but it is a great opportunity to discard many of the myths and pre-conceived notions boys have about masturbation. Although I normalize it when speaking about it, I also say it's generally a private thing, like sex by one's self, and I make jokes about where one would not do it (dinner table, math class, etc.). Kids get lots of messages from the all over about sex being bad or forbidden, so it's a challenge explaining why masturbation should not be done in an easily seen way. Remember, he's an early teen who does not have the sophisticated knowledge you do about the consequences of things. Guiding him to appropriate places (bathroom/bedroom) and times (not when someone's likely to enter) would be helpful.

I'd write him a note and leave it in that spot. Say something like "Sweetness, we are totally fine with jerking off, but this isn't the most private spot.

Try the bathroom, your bedroom or in a closet."

Well, maybe not the closet thing.

I'd skip the face-to-face - he'll die. This way he can have a "little death" on his own. Which is French for orgasm and now you what a funny and clever advice giver I am!

Good Luck!

"Honey, we're not mad or anything but you know the ________ (name of the place) isn't as private as you think it is. Just sayin'"

Where the hell is he masturbating that this is a problem? On the roof?

"I want to move away in a few months - back to Vancouver - because I'm pretty unhappy in this current situation, but I'm afraid of her fate. "

The alternative is staying with her for life, really.

"She won't seek guidance because she thinks she knows better."

There's never a better time to move than now. The situation isn't going to get any better on its own.

I can't say she'll do better, because I doubt she will, but what on earth are you going to do other than let her live with you for good?

Hey Bauhaus - it sounds like you've done a lot for your sister and I think she has been taking advantage of you; you don't deserve that. I also have relatives who are like this; I don't think they do it on purpose, but they (my relatives) manipulate people into supporting them because they can't take care of themselves, and then guilt-trip the supporters when they try to disengage. It's very abusive in a way.

bell hooks wrote a few books about love that I have found helpful, starting with All About Love: New Visions. I think reading that was the first time I had considered that "love" is how we treat people, not just something we say or feel. It's been awhile since I read it, but you might check it out - she writes about how abusive people will say they love you but then act in a very unloving manner, either physically or verbally. It's a small book and she quotes from some other authors, like Erich Fromm, who go more in depth if you want to pursue this subject for your own self-reflection.

I was going to suggest you see a therapist to help you figure out a strategy to part ways with your sister, which it looks like you are doing. I think if you give her a deadline - like 6 months - and offer her a list of some resources you will have been more than generous. You'll need to be firm - whatever you decide, don't give in, because that will just reinforce (in her mind) her beliefs.

It's true that life is really hard for older people in this crappy economy, but your sister might qualify for assistance for low-income seniors. If you want to offer her some resources for when you part ways, you might check local senior services - there might be some subsidized housing options for her, probably with a waiting list. If you do this I would suggest giving her a list of places to contact; make it clear that it's up to her to contact these places on her own. I think it will be better for her if she learns to ask for help for herself - it's been very helpful for me. If she's lucky she will be connected with a social worker who can help her develop a plan for being independent.

I'm wondering if your sister might have an undiagnosed or untreated mental issue - maybe ADHD? Poor decision making and not wanting to deal with difficult tasks/problems, especially regarding finances, are big flags. I was just diagnosed with ADHD at age 38, and learning more about why I have problems with the tasks that other people take for granted (like paying bills on time) is helpful. Of course since I've been reading a lot about adult ADHD I'm seeing it everywhere, so it may not be applicable to your sister. However if your sister does have ADHD and gets diagnosed, she might qualify for extra assistance - financially and help doing things like paying bills. It's up to you whether you want to suggest this to her but it might explain why she acts irresponsibly.

Whatever happens, you deserve to have a fulfilling life, and you shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing that. Good luck!

You can not absolve her of responsibility for her actions by paying her way. Sometimes people need to hit bottom before they can really take responsibility for themselves. You are just enabling her bad behavior. If she ends up in a shelter it is due to her own choices. Give her plenty of notice that you are moving and get on with your life. Or, be a prisoner of her manipulation.

We are called gruncle by my nephews son.

I think you have it correct though. It should be grand-aunt but that just sounds weird. Great-aunt is the more traditional way of referring to your grandparents sisters.

I saw my pediatric dentist until I was about 20. I was sick of the silly printed masks my dentist and hygienists wore by 12, but they were really good, respectful, on my family's insurance, and had a Donkey Kong table style arcade game to play while fluoride treatment was applied. Before I was a patient of that practice, though, I saw a regular dentist for several years, only stopping because my first dentist moved. This was ages 4-8.

I'd say you can make the transition whenever you feel like it, unless your kid has special problems with his/her teeth and jaw that necessitate a pediatric practice. I had to have all but one of my deciduous teeth pulled as a kid (the permanent ones were growing in behind them), but both of my childhood dentists did that work without issue.

exit 71 on 90 also --
There's also a very mild sledding/tubing hill near Easton, a tiny 'town' just a bit over and past the pass - the sledding hill is the last stop on the local sleigh ride, led by a bonafide cowboy -- though it's more like a covered wagon then a santa sleigh. Horsedrawn. Rustic as hell.
great value, tame, slowpaced. Just bring a big thermos of hot cocoa and wear your very warmest clothes.
It was mentioned to me by the lady that runs the diner there (not the turtle place on the freeway, but the one in town on railroad avenue that doubles as the tow truck office) - I think the woman's name was Christy and she called up the guy for me and everything - very homey small-towny, you know - like REAL xmas spirit -straight off the hallmark channel.
There were snowball fights near the sled slope too. Fun was had by all.

Go up to Snoqualmie Pass. Exit 53 off Interstate 90. Trust me, your kids will have a ton of fun.

http://www.summitatsnoqualmie.com/Activities/Tubing/FAQ

"It would be nice if this Penn State situation could bring about more awareness of abuse, more reporting, less shame, and, of course, less abuse."

Well, in Penn state's case I'd say avoid any situation where the institution is deified by a community and untouchable to criticism. Hero worship apparently allows molestation to become a known secret amongst an institution, his charity and the college were both aware of his proclivities for years.

I'm a product of Blanchet High School (graduated in the late 90's), and it was great. As the cheapest of the area catholic schools, it had a LARGE percentage of non-catholic students (over 1/3). The school and its pastor took a very relaxed approach, which I really appreciated. We were required to take a religion course each semester, but there was a variety to choose from (including courses in philosophy, world religions, and christian themes in art, etc). And about once a month there was a mass combined with the assembly. But it was not all religion, all the time. I actually really appreciated that. As a part of the Seattle Metro schools for sports, everyone knew we were a catholic school, but it didn't DEFINE us. (Although the new archbishop did change the name to "Bishop Blanchet High School" a few years ago, and perhaps a more doctrinaire attitude came along with the name change, but I hope not.

Also, Father Doug just retired (he was the perfect high school pastor...friendly and approachable and not dogmatic or judgy at all), and I don't know anything about the new pastor.

Still, I know that Blanchet HS (in the greenlake neighborhood) is still reasonably priced and will definitely provide a safe space for vulnerable kids. I found an amazing community in the drama department, and it was a school where being in honors classes was cool!! Although being in the regular classes was okay, too. *smile* http://www.blanchet.k12.wa.us/

Personally, my friends who went to single-sex schools all kinda regret it...they felt socially stunted/deprived. And especially my friends who went to Holy Names (all girls)...yikes! High school girls are SO mean to each other, and WAY more judgmental of looks and body-size than high school boys ever were (this is said by a bigger girl). Good luck in your search and sending positive vibes to the soon-to-be-high-schooler. It can be ROUGH out there, but this school made me feel safe, and that I had friends, and I learned my sense of self and identity.

Top Ten Toys in Greenwood will hook you up. Check it out. It's a pretty great toy store.

Impressing kid AND parents is a tricky one. The crafty toys tend to collect dust on a kid's shelf, while he plays with empty cardboard boxes and sticks from the yard.

But, you can't go wrong with wooden blocks. They are simple, inexpensive, creative, and will actually get played with for an extended period (years even).

http://www.thinkgeek.com/clearance/on-sale/60b6/

Might be better for 3-4 y/o, but...

Seattle Children's Hospital published a series of five brochures for different age groups of children describing appropriate toys for the developmental skill levels of each group. I used them with parents frequently in my work as an OT in the schools.

I checked and they have now updated them for the digital age and they are available as pdf's at this website (search for the word "toy").
http://www.seattlechildrens.org/safety-wellness/category-index.aspx?taxid=2218
I have included the specific links below.

For this age group 1-2 year olds go here:
http://www.seattlechildrens.org/pdf/Ce193.pdf

For the next age group up, 3-5 year olds go here:
http://www.seattlechildrens.org/pdf/Ce195.pdf

Review the recommendations, print out a copy and go to any of the really good developmental toy stores. These are generally your small local toy stores - they don't have enough shelf space to stock junk and often you will find the folks working there really well versed in what is very successful for different age groups (as well as being able to stay within your budget.

Here are some toy store recommendations from Qland:

http://questionland.com/questions/17935-what-are-some-good-toy-stores

Try the card game "Uno" by Parkers Bros.
Or, do you recall the "How and Why" series of science books? (They might have been a subset of the "Time/Life" books.) If you can find one on a subject that the kid enjoys, you could hit a home run and advance his studies as well...

You might also consider a comic book "graphic novel"... there are plenty to choose from... ask for help at your local comic book shop or Walden Books, or Borders, if you can find them. Just make sure the content is age-appropriate...there are a lot of mature themed books out there... worse than just Wolverine popping his claws!

Five gallon bucket and a wooden spoon. Ok, maybe a smaller bucket. Kid gets a drum and thinks it's awesome; parents have to feign gratitude. Win win.

How about either a wooden truck, painted to look like a firetruck...or, a "work bench" complete with hammer and "nails" or pegs that get whammed and driven through the "board"?

*I remember that used to engage me at that age, but only for a while. Once I realized the futility of the toy, I abbandoned it.

Clever?? That's hard.
You might also look for one of those wooden puzzles with just six pieces so that they have to match the picture on the piece with the picture revealed in the whole.

Or, there are always the wooden beads strung on the wire roller-coaster wires rods. Some kids spend hours pushing them around. Again, see point #2 above.*

Is said high-schooler a girl? Consider an all-girls school.

Our family requirements are a lot like what you describe: fairly progressive, good community, great education, and welcoming to kids who get bullied.

I ended up at Forest Ridge in Bellevue and LOVED IT. I don't know how much the school has changed since I left (10+ years ago), but it was easily the most progressive of the Catholic schools in the area. There was a gay-straight alliance, my sex ed classes were taught by a lesbian sex educator from Planned Parenthood, etc., etc. Yes, we did have prayer ceremonies about once a month, but although students from other religious backgrounds were required to attend, the could respectfully remain seated/not participate. We also had religion classes, but they tended to emphasize world religions rather than just the Catholic faith. It was also a really awesome place to learn how to be academically outspoken, to explore whatever I thought was interesting without much penalty.

I was a scholarship student all the way through (I was there for 7 years), and in my final year, I think my family paid around $3000 though the full tuition rate was around $15k. I knew girls from other families where FR pitched in and even bought uniforms for those who couldn't afford them.

I've heard similarly good things about Seattle Girls' School, but since it was established well after I graduated from high school, I can't speak to it's reputation or culture.

If the high schooler in question is male, I would discourage looking at O'Dea -- the all-male environment would be weird and tough, and I doubt it would be as gentle as FR.

Well some non-religious private schools include Bush School, Seattle Academy of Arts and Sciences and Northwestern. I don't know what counts as reasonably priced in your mind. I know people who have gone to each of these schools and had more or less good experiences. It really depends on the child who is attending on how they will fit in. I would highly recommend visiting the school. It is good idea to take an official visit but although it might sound creepy, walk around a little at the end of a school day to get a feel for the students.

I don't know any cheap non-religious private schools - as far as I know, those three qualities add up to an oxymoron.

BUT keep in mind that many high schools offer financial aid. So it might not appear "cheap" at first glance, but if you qualify, they can become cheap, or at least kind of reasonable.

That said, I'll just add this based on personal experience: I don't know how "well-off" you are, but it can sometimes be kind of hard for non-rich kids to be plopped into a rich kids milieu. Even if there is no teasing, it can be hard to fit in - at least, it was for me. I ended up feeling "poor" even though I was thoroughly middle class, and that kind of got to me.

I was once invited to a friends house for Thanksgiving and when I asked what I could bring she said: The Turkey.

Now that was seriously over the top. But I did it anyway. Can't say I ever has Thanksgiving with them again but it all worked out fine.

Actually the turkey is the easiest part of the meal. It just takes a lot of time to cook, but very little else. The side dishes are much more work.

Still I'd do it. There are a lot of you and so it's not quite as bad as it might seem at first glance.

Not unless the three dishes are (1) rolls, (2) butter, and (3) a can of black olives.

Only if that guest is your mother or sister (or gay brother) Otherwise, one dish per guest or couple is sufficiently onerous.