Let me start by saying that I was basically raised by a television from 3 to 12. Looking back, I don't think this damaged me all that much, but I wish that my parents demanded more of me in the form of reading or some other kind of creative activity. But hey, as a result, I grew a very healthy appetite for pop culture.

If I were a parent, I'd shoot for somewhere around 2 hours. 1 can be done, but probably wouldn't be likely unless you owned a whip... Also, If I'm being real here, the 17-year-old should probably be out chasing girls or socializing with friends instead of sitting in the house playing his video game console. 9-year-olds socialize with their friends through Mario and Zelda because they can't get a job or drive, but your older boy should be acting like an older kid.

If you're sick of hearing them whine, kick them the hell out of the house like my friend's mom did - I think back to those times and thank her style of parenting. We had a lot of good times in the back yard/neighborhood.

We tried to potty train around our daughter's 2nd birthday, and it just wasn't happening. We gave it a rest and tried again three months later, and she was largely potty trained over a long weekend. The key for us was to go completely diaper-free during the day, expecting that we'd be cleaning up lots of messes the first few days or weeks. The first day, she peed on the floor every time she evacuated her bladder. The next day, she was about half and half on the floor and on the toilet. The day after that, she had one accident and made it to the potty the rest of the time.

We're careful never to shout at her or shame her if she does have an accident (usually we say something like, "Oh no! You peed in your undies! That's disappointing." and then move on and get her cleaned up), and we still give her praise every time she tells us she needs the potty and uses it successfully. We also reward her with a chocolate chip for every poop in the potty, which seems to have helped us avoid the fear-of-pooping issue that many toddlers have.

We've been diaper-free during the day since February and at night since mid-March, but it's worth noting that 6 months on, she still has an accident every week or two. I don't think it's normal to expect 2 and 3 year olds to have complete control of their elimination - what we're shooting for is going on the potty the vast majority of the time, with the understanding that accidents happen and it's not a big deal.

My parents allowed minimal television, but it never seemed unfair because they incentivized the time we WEREN'T watching TV. I assume you could apply a similar method to internet/video game time.

Each week, we were given little bingo tokens that represented half an hour of TV time. I think everyone (parents included)only got 5 tokens a week. If we had a specific amount of tokens remaining at the end of the week, there was some sort of reward - dinner at a restaurant, a movie rental (christ, I'm really dating myself), or even just getting to stay up later than usual. For your kids it could be a new game they want, or a later curfew. The less screen time they use, the better the reward.

When other kids were talking about some show they watched the night before, my brother and I didn't care, or feel excluded, because we knew we were getting ice cream on Friday instead. And since the more tokens left over at the end of the week, the better the reward, my brother and I cooperated on what shows we'd watch, and ended up spending more time together because of it.

A 17 year old is almost an adult, and provided he/she takes care of homework and chores, and gets plenty of outside activity (and sleep), should be allowed a more freedom than a 9 year old. But for both, offering incentives to put a limit on the screen time, and finding ways to encourage them to interact with each other (and you) while enjoying video game/TV/Internet time is pretty valuable.

I almost never watch TV as an adult. And it's not because I'm a snob about television, it's just that unless it's a show I REALLY want to watch, and can watch with someone whom I can discuss it with afterwards, it's just not that interesting.

Thanks mom, thanks dad.

There may be an increase in gay or lesbian parents over the years, both due to the legal recognition and health insurance coverage mentioned below, plus reduced social stigma, plus increase in available options such as artificial insemnination, surrogate parenting, the ability to adopt through the state foster care system, and open adoption.

Why do gay and lesbian adults choose to raise children? Pretty much for all the same reasons straight parents choose to.

There are some good LGBT specific resources out there: including Rainbow Families http://rainbowfamiliesps.org/, summer camps and play groups, etc. PEPS welcomes GLBT parents in all of our groups, and we offer a special supplemental group each month for them.

In PEPS, we see how they fit into the village - they fit in well. In their newborn group, there may be 6 straight couples, one single parent, and one gay couple, but they all share the same challenges of trying to get baby to sleep through the night, debating about back to work issues, trying to figure out how to get a shower in when baby seems to need them, and so on. In the supplemental group, they have a chance to explore the issues unique to being a gay or lesbian family.

Regarding sleep books: there's a wide range of advice out there. Babywise is one end of the continuum (the parent-led, schedule driven end of the continuum), so if it's feeling wrong to you, know that there are other middle-of-the-road books (e.g. Elizabeth Pantley No-Cry Sleep Solution), and the other end of the continuum (The Baby Book by Sears, and James McKenna's book... I think it's called Sleeping with your Baby.) So, there may be another book that would better suit you.

That said, do you need a book to figure this out? No! You can figure it out by 1) deciding if it's really a problem, 2) asking other parents for advice, 3) observing YOUR baby, and 4) thinking about YOUR family priorities.

1) Elizabeth Pantley basically first asks 'how do you know you have a sleep problem? If it's a problem for you, your partner, or your baby.' If any of you are miserable, and exhausted, then you have a problem. If not, then who cares what books say, friends say, or strangers say. If it works for you, it's OK.

2) ask other parents for what they've tried, and "try on" each of those approaches. Take the ideas that feel best to you.

Then,
3) observe your baby. Different babies have different needs. My older one slept with us till she was six months old, then she started crawling in her sleep - kicking her dad in all sorts of uncomfortable places. So, we moved her to a crib. She has always (and still always, at age 16) struggled with letting go of the day, and falling asleep. We had a good bedtime ritual of songs, and stories, then we would put her down, and she'd cry miserably for fifteen minutes, then fall asleep for the rest of the night. I hated listening to her cry, but it seemed like that was her release at the end of the day.
My younger one just liked to snuggle, and would fall asleep easily as long as she could snuggle, and would lie quietly next to us all night. We could settle her down in our bed, then sneak away, and she would stay asleep. If we tried to put her alone in a crib, she would cry and cry, just getting more and more miserable, and never sleep.
So, sleep solutions have to be individualized.

4) family priorities. It's just another one of those things, where you just have to work out what feels best for your family in the moment.

Your residency is going to be worse then medical school. There's never going to be an "ideal" time for you - unfortunately, despite the growing number of women going into medical school and residencies, the system is very slow to change to accomodate families and women in their reproductive years - but maybe, as more women with kids (and men who want to be involved with their young childrens lives) enter the field, this will change for the better. It's an antiquated system.

My neighbor has 2 under 5 and just started her first year of residency this year, but they were financially secure enough that they could afford a great nanny. And she is also the calmest person I know. I don't know if there's going to a perfect time, but there rarely is for most of us.

We tried to potty train our son for a year and a half before he suddenly, lightning bolt style, just decided to be potty trained. Overnight. It had a lot to do with Buzz Lightyear underpants.

Are you planning to teach your son about safe sex and consistent condom use? If you look at STD stats, I think you'll find those facts tend to represent unprotected situations. Condoms do all the work, preventing STDs as well as pregnancy, so your son, in my opinion, would benefit best on all sides from simply being very conscientious about condom use. His future girlfriends would benefit too.

My boyfriend is not circumcized, and he has no problems using off-the-shelf condoms. He just had to learn how to roll back the foreskin properly while putting it on; it's a small matter of skill. He also washes himself every day -- another small matter of just rolling back the foreskin and washing with water and gentle soap. It's really no problem at all, and whether you're circumcised or not, it's always the best practise to clean regularly anyway.

While I do have very strong feelings about circumcision, it all started with the simple question, "So why do we DO this instead of just not doing it?"

2 years and 0 months or 2 years and 11 months? I think it is great that she is showing interest and not anxiety. I'm glad you are encouraging with out being too pushy. It sounds to me that she is on the way to potty training.
If you can encourage your two year olds natural interest and try to minimize power struggles, performance anxiety, and fear, then you will have a potty trained child before too long.
Vinnie

I think you should err on the side of *not* hacking the end of your son's penis off.

We did not have our son circumcised.

I liked Vinnie's answer to this.
Because the question has come up in a few variations, I posted another 'featured article' on my web page (an excerpt from the Top Ten Preschool Parenting Problems). It contains more suggestions than I could fit here. Just click on the 'featured articles' image when you go to my web site and then choose the 'bedtime' article. Hope you find it useful and that you all have more restful evenings in your future!
(www.RoslynDuffy.com)

What a painful and difficult decision.

I think the biggest question will be that of childcare. What is available to you? This involves knowing what is out there, wait lists, costs and accessibility (especially proximity if you want to stop by and breast feed regularly). Look at some of these issues and work back from there.

Is a grandparent nearby and able to commit to regular caregiving? A nanny share? Work schedule tweaking for you or your husband? Your child will need good, stable care in the first years of its life and how to provide that are basic questions that need to be answered.

And don't forget,there are many ways to be a parent - including adoption if you decide waiting is a must.

Best of luck to you.

I love that you say, 'and then I actually had the baby'. Isn't that the truth?
The thing about sleeping issues is that not only to they occur when we (and our child) is at a low point of energy and likely tending toward cranky, but if they result in less or interrupted sleep - the problem multiplies as we feel more and more tired and discouraged. No wonder you don't want to read anything else!
My starting point for sleeping issues is to ask people to look into their own hearts and ask how they really feel. Do you want your child in bed with you for some reason (comfort, connection, solace or even fear that something bad will happen if the child is apart from you)? Do you really want this child out of you bed? If so, why? Be honest with yourself.
The truth is that if you feel unsure, your child will know. Until your heart is clear - no technique will be likely to work. Once your heart IS clear - lots of things could work, mainly because you will be able to commit to their success.
(If you are in the Seattle area, this is one of the types of issues I help families sort out in my practice. I just wanted to let you know of the possibility of that kind of resource, or you could look for someone of your choosing that can help with parenting issues.)

One question I like to ask is about her diapers. Does she 'feel' wet? Disposable diapers can actually mask the sensation of feeling wet making a child less aware of the whole process. Could she wear training pants for a while (even though it means changing her whole outfit)? This can help her 'get it' when she pees and begin to make the connection between peeing and feeling wet.
This is only one idea. Because toileting can be challenging for parents and children, we devote a lot of thought to the topic in our Positive Discipline (First Three Years and Preschoolers) books and the topic ranks as #8 (Bathroom Battles) in my Top Ten Preschool Parenting book. These might help as additional resources.
I wouldn't 'push' the issue but keep things positive and supportive as you help her to succeed in this important life skill.

Let's start by focusing on the fact that you are a man, instead of emphasizing the 'gay' adjective. What do other men do in this situation? If they can pee alongside a young boy - why can't you? You know you aren't inappropriate and so do the friends asking you to help out. Ask your non-gay men friends how they handle this situation. As a mom, I would feel much more comfortable having you pee beside my son than having him left unattended!

This is more than just a question about number of hours. In fact, it is a huge question about the use of technology in the scale of human development. The New York Times reports on brain research addressing how our brains are actually being changed by constant technology (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/16/technology/16brain.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&hp).
The article is titled 'Outdoors and Out of Reach, Studying the Brain' and tells about the experiences of several college researchers who placed themselves outside of contact with all technology while on a river trip. We all know nature restores and relaxes us - but do our brains change, too? The answer leans toward 'yes'.
Creativity, attention and social interactions are all impacted by use of technology.
I think we need to set limits for screen time for our children AND model it ourselves. Make mealtimes no phone zones / turn off computers well ahead of bed (to give the brain time to settle down for sleep) and be sure nature becomes part of your lives. (In one survey of children in a large US city, the majority of them had never seen the stars!)
(Sorry, to go on so long - this is clearly a passionate topic for me!)

Sounds like she's figured out the "ritual" of how to use the potty, but hasn't yet figured out what you're actually supposed to do there (relax the pelvic floor muscles and let the urine flow out). Having her sit for a longer amount of time won't help her figure that part out.
I'd just let her continue sitting on the potty anytime she wants to for as long as she wants to, and sometime she'll have that magical moment when she produces something, and you can get all excited about it, and then she'll get that this was the goal all along.
Not something to pressure her about... it'll happen.

This is not a subject I know a lot about...
I do think you'll want to seek out experts for advice. And by experts, I mean both lawyers who are experienced with surrogacy, and parents - birth mothers and adoptive parents - to learn about the experience from their side.
In a brief web search, I found this site, which would at least give you a brief overview of the process: http://www.surrogatemothers.com/
Here in Seattle, there's a fabulous organization called Open Adoption and Family Services - I don't know whether they work with surrogacy at all.
But I know that in general, they're great at matching up pregnant birth moms with adoptive parents (gay and straight) with the intention of open adoption - where birth mom will stay involved in the child's life to whatever degree she wants to. You may check in with them to see if they either work with surrogacy, or know who does.

I can't answer the why questions.
We are fortunate to have several gay or lesbian parented families at Learning Tree. These parents face the same joys and frustrations as any other parents. They work hard to provide a good home for their children.
NO. There are not enough resources for parents and families. Groups like Moms Rising and the Childrens Alliance work to get more resources for us. Check them out.
From my viewpoint, gay and lesbian parents fit into the community well because other parents see that we can help each other. They share pot lucks, play dates, car pools, baby sitting, parenting classes, committees, etc.

This really works for me, and as a pediatric nurse I've done this with patients who don't have parents with them that are this age: Do your routine yada yada, then after you tuck them in tell them that you will be back to check on them in 5 minutes, and they need to stay in bed until then. Keep your promise, come back for a quick check and kiss, then tell them you'll be back in another 5 minutes. Usually my kid is asleep by the second check.

I think my kid kept getting up because he was lonely or afraid of missing something or his imagination was going out of control or what have you, but my God it worked like a fricking charm.

As for why, one very helpful part is both better legal recognition for the partners and better health insurance. I suspect that in states with less of both there are fewer gay couples with kids. Too expensive and too risky.

Magazines seems like a side issue. Print magazines of all flavors are in trouble these days; a niche market like "gay parents" seems like a losing proposition for anyone who wants to make money. Besides, most of our issues are those of any parent: "What in GOD'S name was Tyler thinking?!!"

You will ABSOLUTELY not be a bad parent if you have children while in medical school. I just finished a surgical subspecialty fellowship at the UW and I can tell you that while I was in medical school there was more than one female med student who had children during school or had young children prior to starting medical school. They all managed their studies and clinical rotations with aplomb and never complained that they felt they were neglecting their children. There were also several female surgery residents who had children during their residency and seemed to enjoy the satisfaction of motherhood and the rigors of surgical training. Being a man I'm not sure how they managed because I am incapable of that level of organization, but they managed.

It is almost a necessity that you have a supportive spouse however. Residency will demand more of your time (unless you do rads or psych or something like that) and you'll need someone who is flexible and has a high frustration threshold. And, as already stated by ChrisMcCurry, there isn't going to be a lull in the action any time soon, so there's no better time than the present.

The other thing to consider is that children may change your perspective on medical career choices. Some people can't decide between their passion for orthopedics or radiation oncology, but when children enter the picture lifestyle decisions become more relevant.

Also, I've known folks with PCOS and it can take awhile (as you already know) to conceive, so I would not postpone the matter.

You might check out the "circumcision" sections in various pregnancy and baby books and think about the issues. Dr. Sears' "Baby Book" says something like:

Q: Does it hurt.
A: Yes, it hurts.

I'll add the voice of another recent parent. Our son was born a few months ago and we decided not to circumcise, although I am. Just to restate what other have said, when you look into it objectively, there is just no reason to do it besides social custom, and even that is dying out in the US (our family is a good example of that). The HIV issue is not relevant in a country with such low prevalence. The chance of error or harm is small, but it happens - a friend of mine's son had some complications.

I didn't feel particularly strongly about it during the pregnancy, but as the delivery approached we felt more and more certain that it made no sense. Then, when I saw a baby-care DVD that showed how to care for a circumcised newborn, and saw the bloody gauze, I said, "No fucking way!" There is no way that I wanted unnecessary surgery performed on my little son on his first day out. He had a rough enough day being born and we wanted him to relax and feel safe.

Those are my thoughts.

This must be very anxiety provoking. Consider this- Will it be any easier to have children during residency or when you're finally done with training and trying to join or establish a practice?

I'm wondering if there are medical students or graduates who have been through this before you? Women, and their partners, who could share their experiences and coping strategies with you and help you get a sense of what it might actually involve to have children during one's medical training. Is there a national association of medical students with a website and a question board? Someone perhaps among the faculty at your school?

Get some idea of what that parenting/medical training life might be like. Kids are very resilient. If this were going to hurt your child it would most likely be through your own stress level and/or the negative impact it could have on your marriage.

The cultural imperative to do this is tied closely with sexual oppression. Circumcision is one of the many ways to keep boys from masturbating. Other preventives included Graham Crackers. Break the cycle and raise children whose sexuality is guilt-free.

Having been raised on video games - violent and otherwise - I think it is healthy to allow kids to play them and have screen time.

I think the balance is - they should also be involved in extra-curricular activities, family and social events, and schoolwork/school activities. But that is the same for ALL hobbies and recreational activities.

Why should video games be different? Just like you wouldn't let your kids play a card game for ten hours a day - you shouldn't let them play video games for that long. And on the flip side of that, just like you wouldn't tell your kids to STOP playing a card game that they were having a lot of fun with (as long as they are doing other things or have all their work done) - don't treat video games like something that needs more restrictions.

Games can have a great impact on children of all ages - study after study is revealing how healthy game usage can increase learning, spatial recognition, social values, teamwork, critical thinking, etc. etc. etc.. The list goes on. The fear and hype about violent video games or addictive video games destroying our youth is being shown as reactionary and untrue over and over.

The key is - treat games like any other hobby. Don't make them feel guilty if they love playing an immersive video game (especially when they first get it - it's totally normally to delve deep into a new game). And don't let them slack on other commitments that they've made to school, sports, and friends.

How about making your sons put together a proposal for your approval? They're old enough (especially the elder; maybe he can help the younger) and this will challenge them to come up with a reasonable system. I recommend starting out with the baseline that "but JOEY gets to!!" is not a cornerstone of a reasonable system.

The key is, they have to be able to sell you the proposal. Ultimately you are the one who makes the decision, so if they come up with something totally unreasonable they're only hurting themselves by showing they don't deserve a say.

My suggestion would be to insist on some tradeoff between what they want and what would be, perhaps painfully, "good for them". So, say, if they want to watch whatever for two hours, they have to watch an hour of a David Attenborough documentary as well, or a classic Humphrey Bogart movie that will help make them more rounded, culturally aware individuals. This will have the dual effect of (a) exposing them to better stuff and (b) driving them away from the screen.

The tradeoff for you is, you should make an effort to involve yourself in some of what they do. You might find it's better than you think; that "violent video game" might have some compelling strategic thinking and dramatic complexity in it. Most modern video games, violent or otherwise, are better-written than most modern movies. And my teen nieces accidentally turned me on to "Flight of the Conchords", which is one of the cleverest shows I've ever seen.

There's a piece by Nicholson Baker in a recent New Yorker where he plays video games for the first time with his kids. It might be a little eye-opening; it was for me (I'm not a gamer or a kid-owner). Partial view here: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/09/100809fa_fact_baker

The key here is that the screen is seen as taking away from together time, but it doesn't have to be. You can talk about what you've seen, which will develop their brains and their ability to talk to grownups, and you might flex your own some too. The violence frightens or annoys you? Tell them that, tell them why, not in a "I am telling you what's what" way but a "here's what I think" way. Then they can tell you why Humphrey Bogart is boring to them, and you can smack them for it (kidding!)

I am not circumcised and every day I am thankful for that decision by my parents.

Sometimes, more than once a day.