Assassinate a notable homophobe and/or develop a cure for AIDS.

Have you seen "Little Britain"? Maggie and Judy.

Just up and asking someone you don't know this question does seem awfully forward to me. If you know someone well enough, this will eventually come up in conversation naturally.

On the other hand, if you have a crush on someone and want to know, ask their friends: "Is he available?"

Or, a step further, a good way of getting straight men and lesbians to out themselves would go something like this:

"Oh, did you see that Anthony Bourdain is in town?" *swoon*

weird Q...

Of course she'd eat them -if they were free. Cookies themselves aren't "ruining the lives of families and children" the way teh gays supposedly are, and MG gives the impression she's a one-track mind sorta gal. Anyone who loveschildren and brownnoses the AFA would feel this way, right?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:MaggieGallagher.JPG

FYI: as of April, she's no longer President of NOM, but she is pres of IMPP.

(Please make sure those chocolate chips aren't actually chocolate is all I'm sayin'. )

Yes*. the certain situations where this isn't true involve nudity.

* Grandfather, when he taught proper manners to us younguns, made it clear:

There are three preferences you don't talk about in friendly company (or at the dinner table, and get a hair cut you shaggydog punk!):

Religious
Sexual
Political

Nearly every time I've been fool enough to test this theory, it 95% of time backfires and blows up in my face. I suppose the old fucker perhaps knew what he was talking about.

/etiquette merit badge

I would say that it totally depends on the situation and how comfortable you are with the person/people you wish to ask.
The best way to tell w/o asking is to simply watch: we all tend to give out subtle to not-so-subtle clues as to whom we find attractive, and the more you watch someone, you can pick up on who their eyes follow and/or who they tend to be watching themselves. Of course, some people aren't comfortable watching other people. Then of course, if you wanna know, you're gonna have to ask.
Of course, even the most open and out of individuals may wish to know WHY you'd want to know: if you're curious about someone that you have a romantic interest in, it might very well be relevant; if you're getting to know someone as a friend and want to know them better, then yeah, it's part of getting to know them; if it's someone who you don't really intend to pursue knowing on a friendship or acquaintance level, it really shouldn't even matter...

Parade-wise: there's traditionally been a lovely mix: drag queen on the back of a caddie doing the parade wave, sex toy store handing out free condoms to halt HIV, queerfriendly churches making themselves known, sexy firefighters being hawesome role models, shrewd politicians making it clear that queer votes count like any other, the GLBA phonebook folks, etc...

thumbs up for funny phrase "straighter version of mardi gras" ;)

Tell them you are gay.

oh, good lord, yes.tons! and they indeed seem to have a ball.

Move to some backwater town and try to take your girlfriend to the prom.

There's plenty of room.

IMHO: First you have to suffer, or at least talk about suffering. Being insanely pretty won't do, because then you're not suffering enough- you might need to ugly up a little, KB. Then you need to make some sort of art that the gayiconizers will appreciate, like Greek Active's plays, or "If I Could Turn Back Time" or a musical set in the emerald city - of course, when possible, use all those elements for the ultimate FTW factor.

Cher as Elphaba @ the Rebar: think about it... Savor it... ooh yeah. If you could be the producer of such a masterpiece, you might get a good first step
;)

I'm not sure how well "icon" and "non-famous" can co-exist. Having a hard time conjuring that image.
The only pro-hermit icon I can muster is some sort of Oracle at Delphi -type creature...

Best of luck. Looking forward to saying "I knew her when..."

I thought you hated Dan...

hmmm... well, being one of your gay friends that "hassle's" you - I would say that the appropriate response(s) are:

1. Feel free to beat me with the foam sword (and if you must yell... "take it like a man and smile" would be my choice - way before "TURD BURGLER") Although, what do I care, my head will probably be burried so far in the pillow that I won't hear what your saying anyway.

2. Try this one - Feel free to continue to hassle me - as long as you keep buying the drinks at CC's.

3. "You know, if you don't stop hassling me - I am 100% going to stop wearing my spandex bike shorts with the smart matching zip top to this gay bar!"

4. Tell that hot girl that you've been dating to stop looking so fabulous every time she's with you! (it makes us queens feel inadequate when her heels are higher than ours.)

5. And of course, this is my least favorite option, but you can go with that whole answer from Dan Savage and tell us just to knock it off... we'll apologize (and mean it)... but, for the record, I can't apologize for the dreams - that Pirate outfit you wore in last nights REM is just too good to give up. aaaarrrrg St8ie! (um...I mean Matey)

- D

Give them shit right back, if they're friends.

And pity them for a limited sense of humor, if this happens a lot. It's kind of a lame thing to tease someone about.

You're on the right track by asking how you pick up women instead of asking how to get women to pick you up. Many women are socialized to let someone else make the first move, but if both of you are waiting for the other one to make the first move, you'll never get anywhere.

No random hookups but no committed relationships... I think what you mean is that you would like to date and get horizontal with your dates after an appropriate period of time but without having to have discussions about whose couch goes best in the new apartment.

Caution: a lot of women move reallyreallyfast into capital-R Relationships after sex. You have been warned.

This is really two questions.

To date women, go to where there are women who are reasonably likely to want to date you. Since you don't drink, you may want to skip the Wild Rose for a non-drinking venue like Outventures (for example) that centers around something other than beer. If a woman attracts you, talk to her. Touch her arm or hair if she seems responsive. Ask her to join you for coffee or ice cream, or a movie. The worst thing that will happen is that she will decline. That said, you don't need to rush this.

As for sleeping with women, take it slow. Lead up to kissing, to making out, to sex. Take your time--it's fun. If you're out, I don't think your lack of experience is a liability. Be willing to take an active role in sex--don't rely on your partner to do everything, and ask what she likes--and you'll be fine. An inexperienced woman who really wants to be a good lover can't go badly wrong in my eyes.

Good luck, and happy hunting!

Outfit, yes-- but I have always felt that "your makeup looks gorgeous" sounds a little backhanded. Maybe just go with "YOU look gorgeous!"

People love compliments. Point out something specific you like (the sparkly lips?) as an icebreaker.

Snark A: Ah yes, the ol' "Straight Pride" problem. You're quite the minority there. Maybe play that card. ;)

Though I'm not sure how one 'takes it like a man' from a flaming gaggle of gay boys. (Oh wait, erm, yes I suppose I do...)

Semisnark/real A:
What do they say?
Bust their balls right back. i.e. make your "piss off" more eloquent. If you best their rapier wits, they'll likely back the fuck down.

There a number of ways. Start with the literal:
"I'd bust your balls right back, gents, but as everyone knows, the only balls that most gays have are the ones that require fancy gowns..."

Make friends. Don't go to bars looking for hookups and don't troll the sex-infested waters of Craig's List; instead, simply make friends with lesbians. There are soccer teams for this. And Tegan & Sara concerts.

The more lesbians you know, the greater the chance that some of them will develop crushes on you. Don't lie about your inexperience, but don't make it a big deal either. A simple, "I'd love to make out with a girl, I just haven't really had the right opportunity!" can be a huge turn on.

And believe me, word will get around that you are on the market. Fresh meat. Er, tofu. Welcome to the team!

Um... define "hassle"? Are they teasing you, giving you shit, like friends? Or are they being shits?

Sometimes people banter, and sometime gay people turn the usual teasing about sexual orientation—which is anti-gay—on its head by teasing someone for being straight. Perhaps your friends are going too far, in which case... you just need to shut 'em down. Tell 'em to knock it off, it isn't funny, and you don't appreciate it. If they weren't being malicious, they'll apologize and knock it off. If they were, they won't apologize or knock it off... and if that's the case, well, they don't deserve your friendship.

Beat them with a foam sword while yelling, "Hate crime!"

in order:

1. Be honest, like you're being here. We've all been "terrified, yet ready" about love at some point, right?

2. Start small. Put out an online ad for makeout sessions + no expectations, w4w - do this as a warm-up for yourself to dip the proverbial toe in the water.

3. Test the shark infested waters. Hang a shingle that says 'lesbian virgin!' and see who flocks to you: then pick and choose carefully among 'em.

4. Study. Go watch the singles scene at the Rose or other joints of an L-friendly persuasion; observe and see if that helps make the dating scene any easier / less scary. Ideally, go with a friend, straight or not, to make sure the evening's a little more than a leering session. ;)

5. You have a right to be confident. Yes, there are plenty of girls who like girls (or like boys AND girls) who'll really have a thing for you, whether or not you're experienced.
I mean, who puts 'experience' at the top of their dealbreaker list, anyway? If you've got a good soul, can laugh at yourself, look hot, don't mope around like Eeyore, and can be passionate about life/love/kissing, then the major potential issues are already hurdled.

Best luck in love!

the correct response is, "shut up, you revolting turd burgler." you have my permission to use it. let it be your sheild!

ours is not to wonder, michael. ours is butt to doo and dye.

Are you kidding? Drag queens THRIVE on compliments.

But don't use the words "fierce" or "werrrk" unless you have license to do so. It's gauche.

It's like making eye contact with a crazy person on the bus or petting a strange pit bull—you'll probably be okay, Infinity, but generally it's a bad idea. If the pit/nut/queen reacts badly, you're unlikely to survive the encounter. Better to steer clear.

i feel it's really rather rude not to. but it is also okay to retract said compliment the moment she turns her back, if appropriate. everyone wins.

Well it's one of Bust's cover articles in the current issue...

At its heart, I think the GOP (before the Tea Party got a hold of it, anyway) is about preservation of wealth. Rich people don't get rich by giving their money away, and they're very, very afraid that the government is trying to take it. They have plenty of non-rich people convinced that the government is trying to steal their money, too, but that's actually more true under Republicans (Reaganomics, anyone?) than under Democrats.

There's no rule that says gay people can't love money, too, which is where the Log Cabin Republicans come in.

hello, cty! thank you for your thought-provoking question!

this is a puzzler, indeed.

some thoughts that spring immediately to mind:

1) setting one's self on fire at an Erasue concert;

2) setting one's self on fire at an Erasure concert with a penis in one's butt;

3)provoking Ru-paul into a self-defense shooting type-situation (i know for a fact the bitch carries);

4)fataly overdosing on nipple rings;

5) moving to suburbia (gay suicide, indeed!);

6) wearing a "Lady Gaga is a Stupid Talentless Whore" teeshirt into a gay bar. that would do it.

that's all i got.

With patience.

Lead the horse to water. Help them to get out of
whatever community (*ahem*cough*CHURCH, homophobic family, narrow-minded suburb) engendered their mindset and is feeding their self-hate. Expose them to books/movies/social activities that deal with their exact situation in a way you think is right on.

If they're willing to work on it, you've basically succeeded. If not, Dan's right. Fuck 'em.