Voila!:
http://youtu.be/FWzOQTFwRBE

I really wish my dad had laid it for me with sort of candor. But, then again, I may have dropped dead from shock.

One video posted to YouTube should do the trick.

If you really don't want to say anything to him about it directly (you already got lots of great advice on that topic), demonstrate your point. If it's in a closet or laundry room, start using that space more often. Find excuses to go and leave things there, or start a project in there that needs some room and quiet time...not in an attempt to accidentally walk in on him, but so that he sees that this spot is no longer available for masturbating privately.

With luck, he'll choose a better spot (preferably behind a locked door). If he doesn't, you'll have to say something. And this changes from family to family, but it might be less embarrassing coming from his dad.

First, you are doing great by stating that masturbation is a common and normal behavior in men of all ages but certainly in teen boys. Perhaps one of the hardest conversations for a parent to have (based on the infrequency of them), but it is a great opportunity to discard many of the myths and pre-conceived notions boys have about masturbation. Although I normalize it when speaking about it, I also say it's generally a private thing, like sex by one's self, and I make jokes about where one would not do it (dinner table, math class, etc.). Kids get lots of messages from the all over about sex being bad or forbidden, so it's a challenge explaining why masturbation should not be done in an easily seen way. Remember, he's an early teen who does not have the sophisticated knowledge you do about the consequences of things. Guiding him to appropriate places (bathroom/bedroom) and times (not when someone's likely to enter) would be helpful.

I'd write him a note and leave it in that spot. Say something like "Sweetness, we are totally fine with jerking off, but this isn't the most private spot.

Try the bathroom, your bedroom or in a closet."

Well, maybe not the closet thing.

I'd skip the face-to-face - he'll die. This way he can have a "little death" on his own. Which is French for orgasm and now you what a funny and clever advice giver I am!

Good Luck!

"Honey, we're not mad or anything but you know the ________ (name of the place) isn't as private as you think it is. Just sayin'"

Where the hell is he masturbating that this is a problem? On the roof?

It is quite possible to be both conservative and happy. Show your world view through your words and actions and give him room to find his own.

Funny, I hear the same thing from anti-gay people about their gay brothers, sons, daughters, or sisters ...

Perhaps just let him choose.

Hrm. If you snap, I'll help you hide the body...

Keep him away from the Ron Paul people.

I'd say have him read pre-1980 philosophical writing on such things. I haven't read Andrew Sullivan's book, but I do read The Daily Dish, maybe get him his book for Christmas: The Conservative Soul: How We Lost It, How to Get It Back.

I don't think the GOP as it is can call itself conservative unless you wanna warp the Webster's definition of the word.

Talk to him and engage him in conversation. Ask him for details about his thoughts/convictions/factoids--basically, make him do some research and force him to really think about what he's saying instead of simply regurgitating something he picked up elsewhere. You should do the same with your views. In other words, ask "why do you think that Obama is a liar?" and don't take "Rush says so" as an acceptable answer; conversely, if he talks about, say, gun rights, don't automatically go on an "all guns in all circumstances are bad" rant. Do engage him in earnest about the homophobia espoused in his comments about Rachel Maddow--most Republicans (including Ann Coulter) aren't down with that.

Neither the person who gets all current events from Fox News nor the one who believes watching the Daily Show is sufficient news analysis is balanced or always right all the time. Both sides of these types of arguments have valid points, but by engaging in educated debate, you force deeper thought about exactly what is being argued and what various issues really are about.

Finally, most 15 year olds are little shits at least part time. I'm sure you know the difference between him stretching his independent thought processes and pulling shit just to get a rise out of someone. Engage with the former, and ignore the latter. He'll grow out of the latter eventually.

Tell him to join the Coast Guard.

If he really wants to join the military, you probably can't talk him out of it. And, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with him through his young adult years, you probably shouldn't try.

I understand that the military is not what you would have chosen for your son, but he's his own man, and needs to make his own choices about what he's going to do with his life.

If you're opposed to him joining the military because you don't like the idea of him killing people, consider steering him towards the United States Coast Guard.

The Coast Guard is unique because they are the only one of the five branches of the military that is fundamentally predicated upon a mission of SAVING lives first and foremost. They can and will fire on vessels that threaten American shores, but the vast majority of their missions are what you might call "good guy stuff:" to save people from sinking ships, to clean up and prevent environmental disaster and so forth.

Joining the Coast Guard would give your son all of the adventure, structure and challenge he craves without making him part of the military-industrial machine you despise. (I'm surmising that's why you're opposed).

Think about it. http://www.gocoastguard.com/serving-in-the-u.s.-coast-guard/for-parents

How about local police or fire academies? What about EMT/paramedic training? What about teaching, especially kids facing the same challenges he faced? All of these are critically important and terrific ways to give back.

I don't know if you can talk him out of joining if his mind is made up, but he should at least be aware of what he's in for, and how ruthless and dishonest the recruiters can be. After all, they're willing to kill the enemy if that's their mission; compared to that, lying to a kid is nothing in pursuit of their recruitment mission.

https://counterrecruiter.wordpress.com/2007/09/21/army-of-none-top-ten-military-recruiter-lies/

http://counter-recruitment.blogspot.com/2009/07/military-recruiters-caught-lying-on.html

Good luck to both of you whatever happens.

You might have him make a pro's and cons list - one that does the pro's and cons of joining the military and the pros and cons of going to a school like Evergreen in Olympia, or some other college.

The key is to do the pros and cons of both. This will help you both look at this with clearer eyes.

In the mean time you also might consider pointing him towards other "hard and smarty" activities like acting, some kind of sport, chess, doing a triathlon, that sort of thing.

Send him to Haiti to clean stuff up. Do some gigs with Habitat for Humanity, this might also help him out.

Finally, find yourself a support group of moms who's values are similar to yours (liberal, I'm assuming) and talk to them. They will be super helpful as you go through this.

You can't control him, so get your grace on and buckle your seat belt. He'll do better with your love and support no matter what he decides.

I don't have a direct answer for you, but I do have a suggestion for how to go about the process once you've got those resources.

This calls to mind what some parents do when their teenagers decide to become vegetarian or vegan, which is similarly not a bad thing, and could be very good, but requires understanding and forethought to do well. You can't really forbid your 17-year-old from doing something, but you can leverage what authority you do have to "force" him to think it through as much as possible.

Perhaps have him look into and then present to you as much information as you think relevant on the advantages and disadvantages of joining the various branches of the military--and don't forget branches like the Coast Guard and National Guard. Encourage him to analyze recruiters' motives and question their claims. Then do the same for the Peace Corps, ROTC, AmeriCorps, and other organizations that do good and present real challenges. And have him look into backup plans if his top choices don't work out; a friend in a similar position to yours couldn't prevent her son from trying to join the Army, but he blew out his knee in basic training and was left feeling even more demoralized. Working on a backup plan ahead of time might have broadened his mind beyond Army=good and everything else=bad.

Through this process, you can turn your son's research into a dialogue, bolster and encourage his critical thinking, and perhaps support his well-considered final choice even if it's one that scares you. Good luck!

Getting "all your information from the internet" is actually the only way to get a complete story including all angles and sides. "Learning disability" is code for: We don't know how to teach the kid.

But ... he's 17, it's time you let him live his own life. The fact that he wants to do something with his life (even if it's not something you want) demonstrates you did something right. As for serving in the military there are worse aspirations. The key, my usual advice to parents, talk to the child and be open and accepting. The worst thing you can ever to do any offspring is tell them what to do all the time. Hardship is something you take on choosing to be a parent.

Can he maybe give a college ROTC program a go? I know several people with learning disabilities who have made it through college. There are all kinds of help for that sort of thing there these days.

He'll come out of it an officer with higher pay and choice of career paths that aren't offered to people who just "sign up." And ROTC (like it or hate it) offers the physical challenge he is looking for as well. Plus, they pay for school if he qualifies.

Good luck, Mom.

I am very saddened to see that the majority of answers (as well as the question itself) are reflected in a way which state that opinions and beliefs other than those of a progessive/liberal mindset are demonized,crazy, ridiculed, or not tolerated.
What happened to the freedom to express and believe different points of view, ideas, and differences? I know many conversatives who are loving, open-minded, passionate and truly care about the future of our country just as much as anyone else.
I am tired of the meanness that seems to be growing ever so rapidly with the extreme left for those who dare to dissagree with them.
I've got friends and co-workers all around Seattle with varying degrees of political viewpoints, and guess what? We get along great because our relationship and respect for each other outweighs the differences.
Leave the kid alone, just accept & love him just as he is!

My father explained the drugs he took when he was young, the positives and negatives, and let me go on my merry way.
I had my fun, never got into any trouble and now I drink responsibly and maybe once a year have some other fun.
It worked out pretty well for me and my brothers and I hope it works out for my kids too.

I'd like to offer a re-frame, because if your kids know you know you HOPE they will experiment with drugs, my guess is they will be way more likely to do it sooner, rather than later.

How about you KNOW that they will most likely try drugs, and then educate them about the dangers, being responsible, etc.

I think one message to send to kids is that College (or after high school) is the time and place for this sort of experimentation.

There is a guy called "The Drug Guy" - Google him - who will have tons of help for about this.

Why assume at all?

Observe. Ask. Give him a smart book & Educate and invite queries.

- Much better methods.

Also, on masterbation: Not all males (or females) masterbate. It's a small percentage, but it's true.
On the other hand, some kids start at age 8, in the bath, in the pool, in bed, or on the rope climb. Some find their dad's Playboy stash at age 6 and start then (like the blonde girl I knew next door).
Puberty: Some boys get pubes at 9 but don't voice-change until 15. Others start shaving at 13. It varies, which is why Observe & Ask are good methods in my opinion.

Age and Sex: I don't think there's any age to 'assume'. I had sex at age 14. My very good friend didn't have any until he was married at age 27. Different strokes, as it were.

I'm curious if people have good books to recommend..?

1. Surround your family with amazing adults to mentor, guide, and share the laughter and tears.
2. Take care of your own relationships. Your girls are watching you. From you they learn about relationships - commitment, honesty, intimacy, safe boundaries, humor, forgiveness...
3. Find time in every day to connect and listen to your girls. Learning to manage your emotions is an important part of teen life. Girls who have had empathetic coaches along the way will be stronger decision makers as young adults.

I'm from the Calvin & Hobbes ish school of
"Sure, you can smoke. Here, have this cigar." and I add "Now FINISH it."
The earlier the better.

I was stealing sips of hard cocktails by age 10, and started smoking by 12 or 13. My best friend in middleschool somehow saw the signs of addiction behavior, and did something very mean and very wise : got me stoned drunk and then left me lost somewhere dangerous.
I couldn't hardly walk, let alone find my way home. Cut and bruised and throwing up and shaking with fear and sadness. A helluva living metaphor for what continuing down that 'path' would do to me in time.
It got dark before he finally came back and saved me. Even then, he wouldn't put his arm around me, wouldn't hold my hand. Instead he stood just out of reach, almost out of sight, telling me "You can do it. YOU have to do this, you have to find your own way, I can't help you, but I can tell you the way. Keep coming." Fucking teenage super-therapist, that guy.

I was 13 at most. Terrified the fuck outta me. But the lesson was burned into my skull.

Education is absolutely the way to head off a kid trying bad things, be it bad sex or drugs, - -but once they've already begun experimenting, I'd recommend my friend's mean method any day.

I am not a drug expert by any means, and I define "drugs" very broadly to include any kind of self-medicating - sugar, cutting, texting, sex, all sorts of behaviors that we do to escape from the present moment and pretend that there's another reality.

And that's how I explain it to kids, pretty much. I think that self-medicating is a biological issue and a self-esteem issue. What to do when your body and heart are screaming for peace, a feeling of belonging, or some excitement?

People often think that it's a choice that your intellect makes ("You're smarter than that!") but, once you've indulged, you really get that it wasn't your intellect making the choice.

So I would talk about times when kids have felt overwhelmed and wanted to escape and how that feels in their bodies. And what alternatives are there to zoning out? Or are there healthier ways to zone out?

And I'd recommend that they look at the side effects to the different drugs (all those ways of self-medicating). Discuss that with them. What does it mean in terms of going to college, finding a job, getting married, parenting, friendships, quality of life in general? They may be able to have many of those things but the effects from repeated self-medicating often wear a person down. What if they have the life they've dreamed of but are to0 depressed, anxious, strung out to enjoy it?

Hope this helps!

Margit@MargitCrane.com

Such awesome answers from great resources so I almost decided to not answer. I have 17 and 15 year old girls though so whenever I have the opportunity to give my thoughts with any chance of not getting an eye roll, I take it :) BTW, I'm just a mom, not an expert so revert back to the experts where anything I say differs!

Don't be surprised if they go from your loving sweet daughters to venom-spewing, face-painted, versions of your darling children. It shocked me at how quickly my oldest went from being mild-mannered, sweet, and obedient to a hormone driven mommy hater. At least that's what it felt like. I was surprised at how early that happened. I didn't do it until I was 16/17. She did it at 13.

It helps to remember that you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to that age. It's just as hard on them as it is on us. Maybe even more so for them because we understand the hormone correlation. They just know their moods, thoughts, friends, bodies, everything is changing faster than they can acclimate. That knowledge kept them with a roof over their head after more than one arguement.

Stay ready for the moments when they revert..and they do.. to the sweet sane child. I never knew when it would hit, but made sure to stop everything when it did. A simple talk over making dinner was occasionally life-changing and eye opening and gave me insight into what a spectacular young woman was developing.

Know that they listen to you WAY more than they will ever let you know. They appreciate you giving them strong boundaries, enforcing them, but loving them through the inevitable mistakes.

Two of the biggest things I've taken from my teens that I'll go forward with to my next two (currently toddlers... who the heck thought THAT was a good idea!)

1. Teens/tweens are mentally big toddlers. True fact. The mistakes and consequences can be bigger but our tweens are made to push their boundaries and find their line just like when they were babies. It's their job. It's our job to do our best to make it as safe an environment as possible. It's our job to be their parent, not their friend and demand consequences with love. I wish I could just find a door latch or electrical socket protector that keeps away the drug/alcohol/sex temptation but they don't seem to make them. Let them know what is and is not okay and that there is always a consequence but that when they screw up you're always there for them.

2. I don't want perfect children that never make mistakes or push the envelope or find their boundaries until they move out. Lord knows I have had sleepness nights, midnight runs to find out where my daughter is, etc. HOWEVER, she comes home to where it's relatively safe (expect from my lectures and chores). The mistakes she makes now, I'm here to help guide her through. I'm here to let her know that while there are consequences, nothing is forever and you can still get back on the right path. She is in a place with unconditional love and support. I will not hope for the unchallenging child.

All that said.... I have a friend with a daughter who NEVER had issues, NEVER turned into demon-girl (I say that with true love for demon girls BTW), and maintained a close relationship with her parents all through life. I have lots of friends but only one with a scenario like that :-).

Prepare to roll with it, go to bed worrying a few nights, and coming out on the other end with a couple of fabulous girls.

Best advice I ever heard was from Daniel Siegel, MD, author of 'Parenting from the Inside Out'. He did a workshop in Seattle a couple of years ago. In response to the same question he said, "When parents deal with their own stuff, then they will be able to be good parents." I mention this because parenting teenagers inevitably brings up 'stuff' from our own teen years and sometimes those experiences create fear which can get in the way of consciously parenting our children.

I like Siegel's books - that one in particular is quite good. Other authors to look at are Wendy Mogul ('Blessings of a B-Minus' is her latest), Michael Bradley ("Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" is my favorite), and Laura Kastner ('Getting to Calm' is great - and she's even better in person).

I'm also a big fan of the 'Five Love Languages for Children (and Teenagers)' by Gary Chapman. If I could pick one parenting strategy that has had the most impact on my clients (and on my own family) it would be understanding a child's love language.

I'm sure you've heard all the research about eating dinner together so I won't belabor that one. I do recommend family meetings once a week if possible. I have a handout I can send you if you want some guidelines on how to run a family meeting. Dessert was a key ingredient in our house!

Chores? If the girls don't have routine chores, now is a good time to start. Allowance? Lots of theories around allowance. I recommend keeping chores and allowance separate. I think the purpose of an allowance is to teach children the skill of managing money and what it means to be a good consumer, but not all 'experts' agree with me, so I suggest you find a system that works best for your family.

Last thought - just read an enlightening article in The Atlantic: "How to Land Your Kid in Therapy" http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/2/ Parenting is far from a perfect science but our efforts to be perfect parents may be handicapping our children. Food for thought.

Last last thought - have fun with your girls. Humor can definitely help deflect some awkward teen moments!!

Hey Crew Chief,

Huge question there, but let me narrow it down to 3 things:

1. Have boundaries/rules in place that every body knows about. Even if your girls are well-behaved, this is important because boundaries and laws and rules are part of life AND because it's completely natural for a teen to push them. You want them to know where they should stop pushing. You can call them behavior expectations and then say that they've chosen to ignore the expectations and here are the "results" of making a bad choice. It's good to think of behavior as a choice and use "choice" and "choose" a lot. What areas will you want to have some boundaries in place? Definitely how you all talk to each other (yes, these are your rules too), technology, going out with friends, homework, chores.

2. They're probably going to get somewhat insecure. Your job is to love them, not to fix that. "I'm proud to be your parent" "I love you" "I believe in you" "In this moment, you're just fine" "I have faith in you" - these are good phrases to use. Talk about character more than bodies and brains.

3. Let them make mistakes. It's really okay to make a mistake. Very few things are that life-threatening. Mistakes are learning opportunities so discuss what they've learned or could learn from the situation. Even if they make the mistake a few times, it's okay. If you start seeing a pattern, and it feels off somehow, consult a parent coach just to get an accurate read on the situation. Sometimes we need to get extra help for our kids.

Hope this helps,

Margit@MargitCrane.com