Be ready for change and growth. Realize what is true today about their thoughts and behavior may not be tomorrow. When or if they shut down their side of talking to you, take it in stride.

It's a process, and it all goes better when you keep the lines of communication open. Even when they aren't talking you keep reminding them you love them and share your thought processes with them about everything. Knowing why you decide something is always better than saying, "because I said so". Even though they aren't talking they are still observing and learning.

Choose your battles. Not that you will have to battle, but talk to your spouse regularly about what issues are worth holding the line on and which don't need to be a big deal. Having some things that your kids feel power over in decision making will make having no control in some areas more bearable. Dress and makeup may be a big deal to you but how they decorate their rooms or music they chose may be left up to them (I am not advocating just giving examples).

Knowing what other parents in their group are allowing will help you in understanding the peer influence. It does not have to change your philosophy, but it will help you to deal with the emotional response your kids have by your guidelines and rules.

The hard part will be trying to figure out if the individual is ready to take on the responsibility and autonomy that they will want at the time they want it.
Remember, growth comes through struggling and coping. People have the right to fail and learn. Just make sure they feel empowered to come to you when things don't work out and be ready to support, help and if necessary, forgive them.

There is a two year gap in your two kids. They both will grow at their own rates and age will not be the best indicator of maturity in all matters but he strain of allowing one some kind of freedom and the other having to wait will occur - be ready for it.

Learning your children's skills, spark, and interests and nurturing the same will help them to find their way to recognizing what they may want to pursue as a direction, avocation, or passion in life.

Get them good sex-ed.

A lot of sci-fi sneaks good science in there somewhere. Physics comes up a lot in Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress."

Apart from the other suggestions here, she might want to check out "The Cartoon Guide To _______" and "The Manga Guide To _______." Great series.

Also great:
http://www.amazon.com/Evolution-Story-Earth-Jay-Hosler/dp/0809094762/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1311718836&sr=1-1

Buy him a copy of Atlas Shrugged so he can get through this phase as soon as possible.

Hello Misty,
I talked to some Science colleagues of mine and they suggested the following:

1. From an Earth Sciences and Physics teacher- "Surly You're Joking, Mr. Feynman". This is available as a PDF free download. Just Google it.

2. From a Middle School Biology teacher- "I Witness" books about various topics that may spark interest in topics in Science. Also, Google "100 Science Experiments" and there are tons of interesting and fun Science based activities that actually get young people to practice Science and think Scientifically.

3. Also from a Middle School Science teacher-
Go to the NSTA website and you can find a store with good resources http://www.nsta.org/store/.

All say that working with and reading about Science together and doing experiments is a good way to interest kids.

Hope this helps!

Most boys start puberty at 11. The first sign of puberty is bigger testicles. You probably won't notice this, but he may!

You'll notice that he's stinky.

As for "matured into puberty" - he'll probably do some distancing behaviors, have zits, think you are idiots, be moody, eat like a horse, his voice will have changed and you will have a giant (relatively and physically speaking) man/child in your house.

Your job is to make sure he knows what's to come in terms of his physical body, reassure him that he's normal (no puberty by 16? See the doc), and SHUT UP.

I mean this lovingly, but your communication style needs to be way more like you talk to your friends. Keep your conversations short and curiosity based. He wants and needs to be making more of his own decisions.

Ms. Margit is the master of this, she'll chime in, I'm sure.

And remember - what happened for you in puberty isn't writing on the wall for your kid. Check your projection at the door.

Hi Captain,

9 years to 14 years. Here's what kidshealth.org says:

"For a guy, there isn't just one event or sign that you're growing up. There are lots of them, including your body growing bigger, your voice changing, and hair sprouting everywhere. Most boys begin puberty between the ages of 9 and 14. But keep in mind that puberty starts when a boy's body is ready, and everyone grows at his own pace."

Patience is my advice. The swagger and confidence he may show may be masking insecurity and confusion. Everyone goes through this phase in their own way but insecurity is pretty common.

Hope this helps.

Margit@MargitCrane.com

Check out the Flavia de Luce mysteries by Alan Bradley. The delightful protagonist is a spunky 11-year-old detective and accomplished amateur chemist. Very smart, funny writing that's infused with lots of enthusiasm for science.

The books might be above her reading level, but I know I would've loved 'em when I was her age. Although each one is a murder mystery, there's truly no violence and everything is handled in a light, funny manner.

I think that one of things people have a hard time remembering about teenagers is how strongly they experience emotion. Add in trying to negotiate the growing freedom of maturation while still living under the rules of their parents and that every parent has a different approach to how much freedom to afford to their teen, and you get a situation that's fraught with conflicting expectations and strong emotional reactions.

I know that often when I was being "sulky" as a teen it was because I was actually quite sad about or upset by something but I didn't feel like it was acceptable to express that- so I would just withdraw. With a son this may be magnified because of cultural expectations that boys face about showing emotion. It may not be simply the fact that you are telling him "no," but how you are doing it. I'd ask him (at a time when you're both in a good mood) if you said something in particular that really bothered him. The other emotional component here is how you are reacting to the "sulky" mood. I know what I hated most as a teenager was being treated as though my emotions were fair objects for ridicule and teasing- that would prolong and exacerbate any frustration I was already feeling. I agree with Amy- I'd let him come out of the mood on his own without chastising him or teasing him about it- if you treat him as normally as possible he'll get back to normal as quickly as possible.

The other thing to remember is that it can actually feel almost shameful to a teen when he compares himself to other kids who might have more freedom, or to be trying to explore new limits and independence but then be flatly told "no" by a parent. The intensity of a teen's focus on himself is such that a rejection of any kind can SEEM like an intentional slight- maybe if you are careful to include your son in your decision-making process or make your decisions transparent it will be easier for him to accept them.

The thing about our current political all-stars is that they are all-star hypocrites.

I'd encourage him to learn the philosophy and learn how to analyze the politician's execution of the philosophy they claim to hold dear.

Being able to identify hypocrisy is good no matter which way you lean.

(pro-life vs cutting childhood health care)
(pro-life vs pro capital punishment)
(constitution touting vs opposition Islam)
(pro-free market vs anti-immigrant labor)
(etc. vs etc.)

If you don't mind really digging, there is the Goodwill outlet store on 6th Avenue South in SoDo.

It's not a book, but my 10- and 13-year-olds LOVE PBS's Rough Science series, which presents a group of scientists with a new set of challenges each week (e.g, gold panning, making metal detectors, etc). Some of the episodes are on Netflix and can be checked out from the Seattle library (both DVD & digital media). Here are a couple companion websites: http://www.pbs.org/weta/roughscience/series/
http://www.open2.net/roughscience/

My kids also enjoy magazines like Ask (for somewhat younger kids), Odyssey, and Ranger Rick. I think the thrill of getting something in the mail, combined with the graphics and smaller volume size of magazines makes these appealing.

Your goal, as a parent, is to bring your child to adulthood. You can't hold them in infancy until they are 18 and then flick a switch and expect them to act like adults. You have to cede them adult rights and responsibilities bit by bit over time. Let out the leash a couple inches at a time so that when they turn eighteen you will have let go of the end of it.

We expect our independent, smart 15-year-old daughter to be home by 6:00pm and to contact us by 5:00pm if she makes other plans. When she is out we expect her to contact us any time her plans change or she changes location (downtown is one location, Capitol Hill is another). On school nights we expect her to be home by 8:30pm. On weekends and during the summer the curfew is 11:00pm. There can, of course, be exceptions for special events.

None of this is arbitrary. We can give real, practical reasons for each of these times - we have dinner together as a family, we have to plan dinner, we need to know where she is, she needs to be in bed before school and we need to be in bed before work.

As far as school goes, we allow her to be self-managing, but we monitor her progress on the Source. When her grades slipped due to incomplete assignments, we stepped in and asked her if she needed some support and we asked her for a timeline for turning in the missing work. She set the timeline and she kept to it.

And we keep to these standards ourselves. We call if we are going to be late. We keep in touch. We don't stay out late.

We want her to be another adult in our house, and, to the extent it is practical, we treat her as one.

Look for common ground first. There is a lot of it.

I have to agree with the field trip/museum approach, but it doesn't have to be just a pay at the door experience. There are lots of free lectures, meet at the shore with a ranger, volunteer with a group to monitor a stream, raise a puppy for service dog programs, turn your back yard into a hummingbird heaven by planting a some attracting plants and keeping a couple of nectar feeders clean and filled year round, learn to use tools by working on building projects with an adult, take a free ride in the Young Eagles program of the EAA, so many things to do.

The process of getting interested in science is simply having the moment of experience where the mind queries (and hopefully the voice speaks) "Why?" or "How come... ?" Hands on, eyes on, ears listening, brain engaged experiences get the questions flowing and that is what makes seeking information from books a preferred activity.

The way to get your daughter to those experiences is to do it together with her. You have a few more precious years where doing stuff with parents is still possible (before she gets to the point where hanging out with your folks is considered too confining). If she develops real focused interests in any one area, then finding her a mentor in that area is a great idea. Don't overlook your immediate neighborhood or adult friends as great mentors, there may be specialties there that you are not even aware of.

A friend of mine is an expert in animal training and behavior and uses her large parrots in educational presentations. One neighborhood youngster expressed real interest in her birds and has (with parents' permission) been visiting her home and learning to work with them for a couple of years. He is now not much older than your daughter and is quite adept at confidently handling these large birds (that can be quite intimidating to many people), reading their body language and adjusting his methods as bird-experienced adults do to communicate effectively with them.

I am curious about how much attention you have given this behavior in the past.

Do you sympathize, cajole, threaten, bother, talk at/to him? All of this is giving him attention.

Kids like attention - no matter what kind.

You might try ignoring him and going on with whatever it is you need to do. Leave the house, start the car, he'll hear it and come.

Later,I would spend what the Positive Discipline folks call "special time" with him.

This is when you do something with him that he wants to do with your undivided attention.

Later still, ask him directly what he wants you to do when he's in this kind of funk and then do it.

It is difficult to give the RIGHT answer since we don't have all of the information.

However, there is a chance that he is not busy enough and is not participating in things that would give him the self esteem to get through the tougher times.

In addition, he may have to learn some of the consequences of his actions on his own to fully appreciate the help you have given him.

Finally, he doesn't sound that different than every man I know, so it may not be a teenager problem. :)

It's so hard to watch your child withdraw. And it's natural to want to rescue them from any pain, physical or emotional. That's what we do best. Giving him space is important. And keeping some form of communication open as well. Sometimes my kids will respond to a text instead of a face to face conversation. If he's dodging chores, then he needs to be accountable.

But I would want to know what he is doing when he's withdrawing - watching TV, gaming, texting, chatting online with friends. If so, does your family have rules around using media?

And is there a family history of depression? It's always good to rule that out, then you know you are just dealing with teenage stuff. And they are dealing with so much these days, their stress meters are off the charts. That begs the question - how stressed is he? School, sports, relationships can add up to an unmanageable amount of stress. We tend to underestimate the amount of stress these kids are dealing with today.

Sounds like he has a pretty supportive parent!

Be Well

"Contact" by Carl Sagan

From my perspective as a father and a school administrator I think a cell phone, without texting or internet access, is the safest tool for a 12 year old. I would want have access to my sons once they reach middle school age or when they might get into a situation where transportation can be an issue. But I have seen too many incidents where good kids make bad choices, or are the victims of others' bad choices, when they text/chat/message. Most of it has to do with bullying or harassment, but sometimes "sexting" is an issue as well. If you can control or monitor texts/messages, do. I would say that when you feel your son or daughter are old enough to deal with what they might see as highly emotional situations in a safe and appropriate way, they are at a point that a cell phone with texting and internet access would be appropriate. Otherwise I would stick with phone only.

Not to mention cell phones drive teachers crazy in the classroom.

I hope this was helpful.

Instead of a book, Misty, I'd take her on some field trips to Science Museums, tide pools, that sort of thing. Or have her watch Bill Nye the science guy.

The other things you can do is give her some money and turn her loose in a bookstore with the money earmarked for "science and natural history".

Keep in mind, though, that some people aren't that interested in science, and books can be a turn-off.

Hope this helps,

Margit@MargitCrane.com

Hi there,

First of all, it's pretty hard to help teens when they're in the midst of their pain or frustration, unless they choose to let their walls down. Some teens do this willingly and some don't, but it's usually not the parents "fault". Some people just process feelings internally and some externally. I'm guessing that you and he are opposites here.

It's important to acknowledge his feelings and let him know that it's okay to feel the way he does. AND, after he takes a bit of alone time, he still needs to do whatever task or chore is his to do.

One way to break that shell of his is to try talking (really, listening more than talking) to him when he's in a good mood. Ask him about the event and ask him about his feelings and thoughts. Listen to him - really listen - and don't judge, or try to fix anything unless he asks for suggestions.

Sometimes connecting with teens just means telling them that you love them or you're proud to be their mom/dad, or just giving them a high five or a hug.

Hope this helps,

Margit@MargitCrane.com

Three words: Don't do it.
It's one more piece of technology to take them away from using their imagination. I made this mistake with my 12-year-old daughter. And now her finger has literally melded with the text pad. She's 15 now so it is a matter of safety. But no way am I giving my 12 year old one again.

Hi Roger,

I work mostly with families with teens so I see the effects of getting a cell phone too soon.

Just because the 12-year old wants a phone doesn't mean he should get one. That being said, if it will make your sister feel better then it can be a good thing.

I think it depends on the child, yes, but it also depends on how the child handles freedom and responsibility. The problem with cell phones at an early age is often not the child who has the cell phone but the children (or icky adults) who can reach out to the child.

There definitely need to be rules around technology, including cell phones and your sister can certainly make this something that your nephew works towards. (If he proves himself trustworthy than he can have the phone).

Rules should be made into a contract that parents and child sign. For example:
Phone goes off at 9pm and is put into charger in parents' bedroom.

She can also put limits on the phone. For instance, no texting, no camera, no wifi/internet. Those are not safety issues and aren't necessary. Or she can put a limit on the number of texts he sends. Or he can pay for texting by doing chores.

So many possibilities!

Here are some blog posts I've done on phones, etc:

Junk Sleep: http://margitcrane.com/2007/12/junk-sleep/

Night Texting: http://margitcrane.com/2009/08/night-texting-is-jeopardizing-teens-health/

How much texting is reasonable: http://margitcrane.com/2010/11/how-much-texting-is-reasonable/

And here's a great cell phone contract from Savvy Parents, Safe Kids: http://savvyparentssafekids.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Family_Cellphone_contract.pdf

Hope this helps

Margit@MargitCrane.com

Hi Roger,

My first thought is that this technology is not going away, as much as most of us parents would like it to!! And the reality is that our children are digital natives, while we're digital immigrants. This technology is second nature to them which makes our job all the more challenging when it comes to monitoring our children's social networking activities.

So, how does a parent navigate this quagmire? In my opinion twelve is not too young to start the process of teaching your nephew how to use a cell phone responsibly. And your sister can do that by giving him a cell phone 'with parameters' such as:
1. Limit texting options - available thru the cell phone carrier
2. Use only during the day - returns to Mom at a time she determines (most of my clients have asked that phones be returned to them at bedtime)
3. Charge it whenever possible - saying the battery died is a very popular excuse for not answering the phone.
4. Help him understand that having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right and responsibilities come with privileges.
5. Who pays for it when it gets lost (it will) or broken (that too)? We handled that by buying insurance and expecting our children to pay the deductible.

Safety is a concern. Middle schoolers seem to get themselves in the most trouble - and it make sense when you think about where their brain development is (or is not!). I would suggest your sister check out some cybersafety websites - which I will post later today.

I get asked this question quite a bit in my Tween safety class. I always advise parents to consider their kids maturity level and if they seem responsible enough to have a phone. As well as considering your family lifestyle. If you have a child who is babysitting, walking home alone, spending time out and about with their friends.. then a phone can be a great way to stay "connected" with your kid but not be hovering over them.

It is also important to remember that at this age, kids get less inclined to go aks a mom for help, especially when it comes to risky peer situations. A cell phone can give your kid an opportunity to contact you when they need help - but allow for them to "fly under the radar" with their friends.

Plus, a cell phone is a great way for your kid to "check in" with you when the plan changes.

I am not recommending that kids need a full data plan and parents should think VERY CAREFULLY about GPS tracking on their kids phones... but a basic phone with some limited texting can help kids explore their world but keep them conected with their parents.

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