It sounds like you are all over talking to your kid about sex - you are considerably ahead of me and my 10 year old.

I love that you pay attention to him to note when he's done with whatever it is you're talking about.

As for not being a "nudist parent" - which means that you tell all about your personal sex life - it's pretty easy.

Do you want to know anything about your parent's sex life? I doubt it.

Ultimately, your kid doesn't either. Talking about your own experiences growing up, going through puberty, dating, etc. all cool, in my book.

Talking about your actual-factual sexual practice, partners, likes, dislikes, kinks, fetishes, etc?

No go. He probably won't ask you about this, so don't offer.

However, it's fine to say that you like sex a lot, have a great time with your partner, are safe and respectful and THAT'S IT.

I hope this helps!

Man, you sound like the coolest dad ever.
I don't see ANY problem with how you are approaching this with your son. I only wish I had this open a relationship with mine!

As far as limits, I think you're being open with him and watching for cues on what's too much is great. It seems to me that you're on the right track.

I'm not sure that I would stray into areas of deviation and kink, but if you handle it as you say you do other topics, it seems alright.

I'm not sure I follow the reference to a podcast about a "nudist parent", but figure Amy might, if this question was directed to her. Even if YOU'RE a nudist, your son has a great role model to look up to, and you shouldn't worry.

As for sharing details of YOUR sex life, I would be a little more open than you are implying. I think kids need to know that their parents are sexual beings who enjoy the intimacy and sex, and what is appropriate and when. If you don't at least validate these things, then the kid is left with a total vacume to decide when and what is permissible.

As a kid who faced that vacume myself, I would rather have had some validation from my late Dad that sex was OK, instead of a verbotan topic ever.

Great advice already - sorry I'm a little late to the game!

The easiest way to start is with a book - but I'd recommend "It's NOT the Stork" or "It's so Amazing" by Robie Harris. You can get them from my website www.birdsandbeesandkids.com

I think that "Where did I Come From?" is better for kids who re 9+.

That being said, kids usually don't try to have sex, or engage in sexualized behavior (which means adult-like) unless they've seen it or experienced it.

If they have seen porn, or inappropriate TV, live in a household where people are actively having sex in front of the kids, experienced some type of sexual abuse or sexualized play.

Reading a book to your kiddo, won't "give him ideas" so you can stop worrying about this.

And kids who have open close relationships with their parents about sexuality are safer from sexual abuse.

I think my parents did a pretty good job at it. They had the books, sure, but what I think did the trick was that they created an environment in which it was always okay to ask questions about it.

They also did a great job of highlighting the difference between sex as science and sex as a form of affection. As a kid, my mind was pretty blown just knowing that a baby came out of a woman's pee hole. The other bits and pieces of the sex talk fell into place pretty naturally and when I was ready for it.

Don't worry about the other kids. As my mom always said (and still does), "They're not my children". Parent the way that feels best for you.

We have this anatomy book laying around the house.

http://goo.gl/HSwBt

Just looking through it with my daughter, over the years - starting when she was really young, we have had conversations about boobs and babies and penis's (which she unflatteringly called peanuts when she younger) as well as brains and bones and lungs etc.

It is a great, non weird way of talking about bodies and age appropriate sexuality.

My daughter is in second grade.

We read her a pop up book on the basics of sex and reproduction when she was two. To my knowledge, she has never done anything inappropriate with other kids or adults. I suggest you start now. It doesn't matter what his friends know or don't know. He'll be a better, safer kid for know how human bodies work and reproduce themselves.

I'm not saying you should sit down and watch porn with him. Just do the facts of anatomy, reproduction, and tell him that grownups can find it very pleasurable but it's not for kids. Kids understand that grownups do things they find terribly uninteresting. Only by making it taboo will you make problems.

Well, not in explicit detail, but you should ALWAYS be talking to your kids about sex.

It can start as simple as "Say,kid, have you ever seen where the mommie carries the baby? Come here and sit with me, and let's look at this book of the body."

As they get older, the questions will naturally come, and if they know you're open to discussing it, or talking about it, you can sprinkle in the details as they need to know.

Great books: What's Going On With My Body?
Where Did I come From?
"The Guide to Getting It On" by Paul Joannides (for college kids and young adults

It is so tough when kids won't talk about this stuff. I would make sure she has books she can read to get information without having to have conversations with you. I recommend several on my website.

You can text her, email her and IM her. Write her notes, get one of my "Ask ANYTHING Journals" and try communicating this way. She writes questions, you write answers back.

Use her siblings to get info to her by talking to them about things she needs to know when she's around.

Ask her how she would like to receive this info - and tell her you get that she's not interested in talking about this, but it's your job to fill her in.

Sometimes kids are really scared of how their bodies are changing, the crazy-ass stuff they hear at school, the things their friends are talking about and doing.

Reassure her that it's normal to be private about these things, but it's your job to make sure she's informed.

Finally, make sure that she knows that she needs to let you or another trusted adult know if something is going on that is really upsetting her. Tell her it's important she confide in someone so she can get help and feel better.

I hope this helps! I'm in the same boat at my house! :)

I think you need to back off from the girls - clearly they have been told to get you out of their FB lives, so this is a good sign that you aren't welcome in their world.

That being said, I think it's totally fine for you to have a straight up chat with their older sister - an opinionated one - about your concerns.

I would strongly encourage her to make sure her little sisters are well informed, so they don't go through what she did. Tell her that you are happy to help her figure out what they should know, how to broach the topic, even figure out some scripts.

If she seems resistant to this, uninterested or tells you to butt out, pay attention and do what she wants.

Your heart is in the right place, and it may be painful to watch these girls stumble, but remember: they know where to find you if the shit hits the fan, and quite possibly they will seek you out if they need help.

I think it's rather telling that a six-year-old has - somewhere in her short history - picked up on the notion that exposing genitals is a show stopper. I'm probably making too big of a deal about it, but for someone that young to know how to razz using her privates is food for thought.

IMHO someone needs to ask that little girl why she thinks this is acceptable behavior and maybe tell her that it certainly is not. And if she is watching Brittany or Christina or any of the other countless dry-humping show biz types on TV and synthesizing that that is the way a young girl is supposed to act, now would be a good time to make clear the difference between real life and the entertainment world. There seems whole crop of young girls (I see them every day) who apparently don't what that difference is.

And for you, Igor, if this doesn't cease right away, you might want to have your girlfriend get a babysitter for the little girl while entertaining your girlfriend at your place. I imagine you can run into all kinds of treacherous territory being around a kid like that.

Good luck!

Well, first of all, it's time to come clean about the divorce. The secret keeping is a total train wreck (or eventual one, anyway). It's better to tell her now, rather than have her find out later and be pissed off about it.

She's six, so this should be a relatively easy conversation for the mom to have with her.

I think your role should be that of mom's friend for now. You don't say if you are overnighting - and if you are, well, I'm not divorced, so I may get a ration of shit for this, but I think you shouldn't stay over until you are fully committed and heading to LTR.

The coming and going of "boyfriends" is hard on kids. They get attached - they get their hearts broken when the BF of the week/month/year leaves.

Your role does not include discipline at this point, unless she is doing something to you (or herself) - human to human - that is inappropriate, unsafe, or the like. Then you correct, redirect and leave the consequence dishing out to her mom.

She's clearly trying to get your attention, and for some reason has chosen this "flashing" behavior as one way to do this.

The next time she does this I would say to her, - "I feel uncomfortable when you show your mom's privates. Please stop."

Then redirect her behavior by offering to read a book, play a game or have her show you her favorite toy.

Do this every time she does this. She'll eventually stop - if she doesn't after 3 - 4 corrections, she may need some kind of professional help.

Her mom needs to tell her to stop it ASAFP. She's letting her daughter violate her personal space and this isn't a good thing to allow. It's okay for her to say - "Sweetie, I don't like it when you do this. It's not okay for you to show these private parts of MY body. I love you and can you give me the biggest hug EVER instead?"

Finally, one great way to help kids improve their behavior is by playing with them. Get down on the ground and let her lead the play. Do what she wants, play dolls, Lego's whatever. 15 or 20 minutes and she'll be a happy, non-flashing girl.

everytime the 6 year old flashes you then tell your gf she will eventuily get aggervatied and do something about it!

She's obviously trying to get attention, and is acting up to get it. She's also treating or embarassing mom as an object, possibly something that she's seen others do (her dad?) in the past.

I'd sit down with the mom and have a long talk about discipline and what role you will play in the future. If the mom is resistive of discipline for the 6 year old, keep moving... you're headed for family trouble in that case.

Otherwise, you might want to enter family counseling for all three of you... which could help establish ground rules. But it sure doesn't sound right yet.

Wow! What great examples you give.
I think you're handling these topics and questions just great! I wouldn't over-react to the sexually explicit questions, but the older the child, the more frank and willing that I would be to answer.

"Go ask your parents" might work for younger kids, but I think older (age 14) kids deserve some credit for sensitivity and ability to process info. Though I would not go into great detail, I would answer their sexual questions privately, or if in a group, I'd give them a direct answer tagged with "We can discuss this more in private if you have more questions." That leaves the door open, but also shows that it may not be a topic for public discussion.

As for the personal questions, "Do you sleep with your boyfriend, kiss him, etc", I would treat them as you would about any other inquisitive kid topic and not over-react. I'd share only as much as you would with a stranger..."Yes I have a boyfriend, and you will also, someday. What you do with him when you are alone is private and is what makes the relationship special and personal." As for sleeping arrangements, it's none of their business, but it could lead to a discussion of "What's going on with you that makes you ask these questions? Do you want to speak with the school nurse? What are you seeing at home that makes you ask about this?" Etc.

I think at 8 this is a lot to grasp - has she asked what "whore" means? And I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I'm having trouble figuring out how this word would be used in front of 8 year old. Mind you, I am currently being fined by my child every time I use the f-word in front him, so I probably have no business asking this question.

He's getting rich, by the way.

Anyway, when the time comes - like at 9 or 10 or if she asks, you can say something like "People like to have sex and they don't always have a partner. Some women and men have a job where they get paid to have sex. This is called prostitution and the people that do this are called prostitutes or sex workers. I believe...(insert values here.)

Sometimes the women who do this are called "whores." This is a very ugly and disrespectful word to use for prostitute."

Pile on the details as she gets older and you have further conversations. And apparently teens are being lured in by pimps at malls and stuff these days. It's a pretty big problem as the pimps are cute and charming and promise all kinds of "grown up" stuff. She should know about this by the time she's 12 or so.

Wait for her to ask it in a straightforward manner. Interrupting a conversation where 'whore' comes up will result in an awkward silence and pre-teen embarrassment.

Liken it to drugs, in an even-handed and honest manner: It's illegal, it can have nasty consequences, but sometimes perfectly average people engage in it and they don't get messed up at all.

If she's mature enough, mentioning the underage sex trade is worth it. Sometimes kids get snatched up (very rare) and sometimes boyfriends pressure girlfriends to have sex with other men for money. In both cases, tell her to talk to you and you won't judge her. You love her very much (and I'm sure she knows that).

And on a semi-related note, Vulvodynia might be worth learning about too. Sex is NOT fun and I spent decades in terror and being told I was psychologically messed up (the then-diagnosis was repressed memories of sexual abuse as a child) because EVERYTHING hurt.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulvodynia

Random addendum, I know. Humor me. ;)

I'm not sure that I would go there.

If you have an on-going dialog with your kid, it may come up... but I'd approach it from the angle of desperation to make money by some who have no skills. That is, to show that there is value in education, in goals, in bettering yourself...and that some do not value themselves, and so, must resort to selling their bodies.

(I'm sure there are some sex workers who will object to this classification, but I'm thinking to help put the act into perspective for this kid.)

I remember first hearing of a "brothel" in the classic movie "Guns of Navarone" near the ending, and turning to my folks, asking what's that. They shushed me*. [*My MOM at the time, simply told me it was a Bar. Which made no sense to me, since bars are not bad.]

The next day, during a car trip, my dad asked me if I knew what a whorehouse was. I said yes, and he dropped the subject. It would have been better if he had discussed the conflicting values in wartime, and how distressing this threat was to the character. But he didn't.

You wouldn't be punishing the behavior, just the location it is occurring in. She's 10, pretty sure she'd be able to understand that difference, especially if you make it clear exactly why it's not ok to masturbate in front of the rest of the family (I assume you have done this a million times already, also that she knows what masturbation is, etc.). I wouldn't worry she'd give it up for good or feel shame about it (shame is not this child's problem) if you not just ask her to go to her room but enforce it. She's clearly capable of exercising restraint when she is elsewhere even though those feelings of "not being able to help it" must come up when she is in other places than your home, it's not that much of a stretch to require that she be in her room.

Books are great but are unlikely to address the smell issue. You need to give him some tips for masturbation. It is healthy and good for you so, should be something you can talk about. Old ejaculate smells terrible. Give him some options for disposal and insist that it needs to go into the trash and outside of the house. Give him some lube options also.

If he sits there in stony silence, you just keep going. Be prepared with your presentation and don't worry about it being conversational. This should be no different than teaching him to wash his face or make a decent cup of coffee.

Your making this a safe area for discussion will help him have a guilt-free attitude about sex. Masturbation is the only truly safe form of sex and making it OK can reduce the need to indulge in riskier behaviors later. All my sex ed came from a book and I was left unprepared and very experimental.

Honestly, you can't do much more for your girl than what you've already done! She clearly has a hand (ha!) on the masturbation thing and feels comfortable talking about it.

She will develop her own talents in the wanking department and I realize that my own daddy issues are at play here, but the LAST person I'd want to hear about the joys of masturbation and vibrators from is my dad.

I do think one message you can give her is that girls and women who are in touch with their bodies, feel confident and are happy with who they are, have better sex lives.

I don't think giving young girls vibrators is necessarily a good thing - just because not much measures up to that buzz...

I may be making things up, but it could be sort of like teen boys and porn - the real thing isn't at all what they expect doesn't measure up to their hand and a video.

You people don't need me - great advice! Books are really great for kids to have, especially the ones that are not very engaged around this topic for whatever reasons. Being a 15 year old boy one of them.

I would continue to chat with him - in particular about "softer" topics like healthy relationships, who's dating whom, how girls can be nutty, your first crushes, and, of course, that it's okay to be gay.

I wouldn't worry about him not dating and being outgoing. I would worry about "all his free time" playing Runescape. These multiplayer games can be highly addicting, and can cause some pretty major social problems because all the interacting isn't real.

Make sure he has time for real social interaction - like band and other video games where the players are in the same room and there is some social interaction.

Here's an awesome survey of boys about sex. Read up and use this for talking points. Keep your comments to him short and leave this around for him to read.

It's called That's What He Said - scroll down and you'll see it

http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/default.aspx

Go mama! Okay, what I would do is this.

Preface the conversation by saying you were thinking about the Dear Abby column and wanted to add something.

Next time you are in the car alone, simply say to her "I've been thinking about something - I wanted you to know a little more about masturbation. That's when you touch your clitoris, this tiny little bump that is at the top of your vulva.

This is something that nearly everyone does, in private, alone, and feels really great. It think it's important for girls to know about this because it helps them know their bodies."

Tell her she can read the section in the book again.

I have to say that Basil hit the nail on the head. Great advice!

I would add that you might want to apologize to her for getting upset and explain that you were and are really worried about her. Tell her that you love her and want her to make great choices, so she can grow up and do all the things she wants to do.

Then shut up.

She needs to be on birth control - once the horse is out of the gate, she rarely makes it back in. So, I'd assume that she will continue to be sexually active.

Buy condoms so there's no doubt they have access.

And tell her that the only thing you want is for her to be safe, avoid pregnancy and STI's. She must be responsible if she's going to have sex.

Teens don't want our advice, they want to make their own decisions about everything (remember?). However, they do need guidance, so having more general conversations about relationships, healthy relationships, trust, what she likes about her beau, how her friends are doing, etc. can give you inroads to conversations.

And then, you really need to shut up and listen to her. Resist the urge to advice give. Unlike me.

It's my take that this is a tiny bit out of norm for a 10 year old - and only a tiny bit. If she was doing this at school or other people's homes, then I would say get some help, but I think you can handle this on the home front.

Be firm, be kind, and engage her in the problem solving.

Sit her down and say to her something like this:

"Sweetie, you are old enough now to know that it is just plain old not okay to touch your privates in public. This means in the living room, even if no one is there, and especially if someone is.

We think you are in a habit and it needs to be broken. Let's pick a word or phrase we can use that only we know, to remind you to stop. Do you have any ideas?

(Brainstorm something)

Once we tell you the word, you need to stop and go and wash your hands. Not because your privates are dirty, but there is stuff down there that gets on your hands.

We are serious about this. We feel uncomfortable because this is a private thing and we don't want you to make other people uncomfortable.

What do you think we should do if you can't remember to stop this?"

Now, here's the pain in the ass part. One of you needs to monitor her when she could potentially do this. If you can't be in the room, set a timer for 3 -5 minutes so you can pop in and disrupt her if need be.

If she can't break the habit, send me an email and I'll connect you with a childhood sexual behavior professional (one more professional than me!).

It doesn't hurt to talk to him about it, even if he doesn't respond- he's hearing you. If he reads much and is a curious person, he will find much of the information on his own. I read about all I could on the subject, and looked at lots of videos and pictures...

Amy's answer is great here, and I especially appreciate the part she added at the end about de-emphasizing the idea of "stranger-danger." In the same vein, I think it's important to include in the discussion with your children (and your daily interactions with them) that it IS okay to say no to adults sometimes. I work with kids and see many who are constantly told that they have to "respect" all adults, and this "respect" usually translates to complete compliance with any and all requests. This puts kids at risk for abuse. So, it's important for them to know that if they are uncomfortable or unhappy about the way anyone treats them, they can speak up, say no, or go to someone else to share their discomfort, even if that means families/schools have more back-and-forth with the children about some of the rules that really are nonnegotiable.

The other big thing I think you can do to help your kids avoid situations in which they might be at risk for sexual abuse is to do a really good job as a listener. Children have rich emotional lives, and it's important to pay attention to their feelings as significant. If you have a sincere and consistent interest in your child's life, your child will be confident in both himself and his relationship with you. He will be able to come to you if someone in his life is behaving oddly, if he is confused, or if he needs your help.

If she won't talk to you about her sex life, its likely because she knows you will spend the entire time trying to convince her to stop.

What person, no matter their age, would want to talk in that situation?

Maybe what you should do is NOT try to talk her out of having sex - but talk her into being responsible, having safe sex, and doing it with someone that will love and respect her.

She probably is too young - but you aren't going to convince her of that. So just make sure she is safe - make sure she uses protection - make sure she understands the difference between sleeping around and sleeping with a caring partner.

If you approach it that way, she might not believe you at first, but just continually reinforce that you accept her choices and just want to be able to have a conversation with her about her sex life - start off by NOT lecturing her, but LISTENING to her.