About Janelle Durham

Parenting Educator, Social Worker

Recent posts

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  Gay Parents

  1 0 There may be an increase in gay or lesbian parents over the years, both due to the legal recognition and health insurance coverage mentioned below, plus reduced social stigma, plus increase in available options such as artificial insemnination, surrogate parenting, the ability to adopt through the state foster care system, and open adoption. Why do gay and lesbian adults choose to raise children? Pretty much for all the same reasons straight parents choose to. There are some good LGBT specific resources out there: including Rainbow Families http://rainbowfamiliesps.org/, summer camps and play groups, etc. PEPS welcomes GLBT parents in all of our groups, and we offer a special supplemental group each month for them. In PEPS, we see how they fit into the village - they fit in well. In their newborn group, there may be 6 straight couples, one single parent, and one gay couple, but they all share the same challenges of trying to get baby to sleep through the night, debating about back to work issues, trying to figure out how to get a shower in when baby seems to need them, and so on. In the supplemental group, they have a chance to explore the issues unique to being a gay or lesbian family. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 3 more answers »

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  Transitioning a 6-month-old from family bed to crib?

  1 0 Regarding sleep books: there's a wide range of advice out there. Babywise is one end of the continuum (the parent-led, schedule driven end of the continuum), so if it's feeling wrong to you, know that there are other middle-of-the-road books (e.g. Elizabeth Pantley No-Cry Sleep Solution), and the other end of the continuum (The Baby Book by Sears, and James McKenna's book... I think it's called Sleeping with your Baby.) So, there may be another book that would better suit you. That said, do you need a book to figure this out? No! You can figure it out by 1) deciding if it's really a problem, 2) asking other parents for advice, 3) observing YOUR baby, and 4) thinking about YOUR family priorities. 1) Elizabeth Pantley basically first asks 'how do you know you have a sleep problem? If it's a problem for you, your partner, or your baby.' If any of you are miserable, and exhausted, then you have a problem. If not, then who cares what books say, friends say, or strangers say. If it works for you, it's OK. 2) ask other parents for what they've tried, and "try on" each of those approaches. Take the ideas that feel best to you. Then, 3) observe your baby. Different babies have different needs. My older one slept with us till she was six months old, then she started crawling in her sleep - kicking her dad in all sorts of uncomfortable places. So, we moved her to a crib. She has always (and still always, at age 16) struggled with letting go of the day, and falling asleep. We had a good bedtime ritual of songs, and stories, then we would put her down, and she'd cry miserably for fifteen minutes, then fall asleep for the rest of the night. I hated listening to her cry, but it seemed like that was her release at the end of the day. My younger one just liked to snuggle, and would fall asleep easily as long as she could snuggle, and would lie quietly next to us all night. We could settle her down in our bed, then sneak away, and she would stay asleep. If we tried to put her alone in a crib, she would cry and cry, just getting more and more miserable, and never sleep. So, sleep solutions have to be individualized. 4) family priorities. It's just another one of those things, where you just have to work out what feels best for your family in the moment. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 3 more answers »

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  Getting my two year old to use the potty.

  2 0 Sounds like she's figured out the "ritual" of how to use the potty, but hasn't yet figured out what you're actually supposed to do there (relax the pelvic floor muscles and let the urine flow out). Having her sit for a longer amount of time won't help her figure that part out. I'd just let her continue sitting on the potty anytime she wants to for as long as she wants to, and sometime she'll have that magical moment when she produces something, and you can get all excited about it, and then she'll get that this was the goal all along. Not something to pressure her about... it'll happen. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 5 more answers »

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  Surrogacy and co-parenting?

  0 0 This is not a subject I know a lot about... I do think you'll want to seek out experts for advice. And by experts, I mean both lawyers who are experienced with surrogacy, and parents - birth mothers and adoptive parents - to learn about the experience from their side. In a brief web search, I found this site, which would at least give you a brief overview of the process: http://www.surrogatemothers.com/ Here in Seattle, there's a fabulous organization called Open Adoption and Family Services - I don't know whether they work with surrogacy at all. But I know that in general, they're great at matching up pregnant birth moms with adoptive parents (gay and straight) with the intention of open adoption - where birth mom will stay involved in the child's life to whatever degree she wants to. You may check in with them to see if they either work with surrogacy, or know who does. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer and comment »

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  Am I a bad parent if I have children while I'm in medical school?

  2 0 For most people in their late 20's, I would tell them that there was no rush, and they had plenty of years of fertility left, so it would make sense to finish school first. (In addition to your worries about whether it would be fair to baby, I would also add in the fact that newborn babies take far more of the parents' energy and attention than any parent was prepared for... most new parents find it difficult to juggle baby and work; or baby and school. So, would make school that much more challenging for you) But, the fact that you have PCOS, and have already had fertility issues makes you a more complicated case... I would recommend that you consult with an allopathic fertility specialist, and also consider meeting with an acupuncturist and/or a naturopath who specializes in fertility to get their thoughts on the matter. For more general thoughts about ways to enhance fertility whatever your age of health status, see http://www.transitiontoparenthood.com/ttp/parented/pregnancy/preconception.htm Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 7 more answers »

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  Is there any compelling reason to circumcise newborn boys anymore?

  9 0 The American Academy of Pediatrics basically concludes that although there are potential medical benefits, the evidence for them is not strong enough to recommend routine circumcision, given that circumcision, like all medical procedures, carries potential risks. More from the AAP: http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/prenatal/decisions-to-make/pages/Should-the-Baby-be-Circumcised.aspx http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/prenatal/decisions-to-make/Pages/Circumcision.aspx So, they say that it's up to the parents to decide, based on factors like religion and personal preference. Those who choose to circumcise generally do it for religious reasons, or so baby will "look like dad" (presumably some years down the road, since he certainly won't right after birth....) Those who choose not to circumcise are generally those who think if baby is healthy and does not need a medical intervention to stay healthy, then it does not make sense to have a medical intervention. BTW, most insurance doesn't cover circ, and it can cost $250 - 500. Apparently it's worth calling around to different doctors who perform it to get the best deal. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 9 more answers »

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  this is really awkward... what's the protocol for a gay man taking friend's son to the bathroom?

  5 0 When my husband (who's straight) had to take our daughters' female friends into a bathroom with him, he would have them use the stalls, and he would use the urinal or another stall while they were in there, behind closed doors. I don't think any of their parents were ever troubled by this. I suppose if there were no stall doors, then whether he kept them in there with him, or had them wait outside would depend on how safe an environment he believed they were in... if it felt unsafe to leave them outside, I think safety wins out over propriety. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 5 more answers »

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  How much game time or screen time is reasonable for a kid?

  3 0 If you were asking about children under the age of two, then I would say no screen time is best. But, for older kids, I think it's a question of striking a reasonable balance in life. They should spend part of each day doing physical activity, part of each day being social with human beings, part of each day reading books, etc. During the school year, my kids (13 and 17) don't have a lot of time left over after homework and extracurriculars, so screen time is their down time in the day - it's limited to less than an hour probably, and screens need to go off by 9:30 pm (they can then read for 30 minutes before bed, but going straight from screen to bed seems to make it hard to sleep.) During the summer, the balance works out a little different. My oldest spent the entire month of July as a counselor-in-training at a theater camp, with no screen time, and LOTS of social time. So, when she came home from that, and bascially wanted to spend one entire day reading email / Facebook / web comics, and spend the next entire day playing video games, that seemed like a reasonable thing to me. We do have rules about no screen time before school in the morning, and no screens at dinner time (for any of us... ) so that can be family connection time. You have to find the balance that feels right for your family. Janelle Durham answered in Parenting Q&A about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 12 more answers »

• Comment on Janelle Durham's answer…

  0 0 I have to agree that Karp takes it much further than I would. I also wouldn't lie down and tantrum with my child. But just saying "I can see that makes you so mad! It seems so unfair!" can be more helpful than saying "It's OK honey, there's no reason to be upset..." So, maybe use some of Karp's ideas, if not his exact tactics... Janelle Durham commented about 1 year ago

• Comment on Rev.Enant's answer…

  0 0 Many babies won't experience nipple confusion no matter what. But some certainly will in the _early_ weeks. So, most lactation consultants say to avoid a pacifier for the first month, till breastfeeing is well established. But, for the original poster, who already has a ten-weeker who's used to the pacifier, this issue of nipple confusion or not is a thing of the past, and not something she needs to worry about. Janelle Durham commented about 1 year ago

• See all of my 0 Questions , 16 Answers and 3 Comments