About Jo Langford

Therapist/ Author/ Sex Educator in Seattle.

Recent posts

• Follow Following 2

  How can I be less nervous around people I'm attracted to?

  1 0 I would suggest playing to your strengths. If you are not a "Wallflower," and are otherwise social and friendly, go with what works. It sounds as if you can do the mental and emotional stuff just fine, but when it's about the physical you psych yourself out. Being a sensitive person can be both a boon as well as a curse at times, but there seems to be a lot of god news in this... Enlist your already-established friends as wing-people, operate in groups and have them introduce you to others.... Join social organizations, classes or clubs to put you in contact with other people you can feel confident that you already share at least one thing in common.... Then try re-tweaking the way you are approaching your approach. Focus on being the right person and a good friend, rather then landing the right person. Focus on the friendship first as away of wading into that pool and relieving some of your anxiety and angst. Aim for expanding your friendship base and let the rest happen organically: keep it simple, operate in group settings if that lessens your stress, keep your eyes above the shoulders and don’t use any stupid, pick-up lines. Tell them about yourself and ask them questions, give compliments and smile—talk to then like a friend or relative you actually like. Not every guy has to be a hunter--being a fisherman has its rewards as well. Be yourself, put yourself out there, be interesting and interested and let other people be assertive and come nibble on you. Finally, I would say trust yourself. Don't jump the gun and reject yourself FOR them. Do what you do, (again, be yourself)--be awkward and messy sometimes--that's why they call us human. If you stumble do with humor and grace, and let THEM make their own decisions about you. Jo Langford answered in Relationships 2 months ago Answer, comment & read 4 more answers »

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  The holidays and his birthday are coming up and I don't know how/when to tell him that I don't see us being together for much longer...HELP!

  9 0 Do it. Now. Do it quickly, humanely and in service to the kind of relationship you want with him afterward. Doing it now, gives him some time to get head start on his grief and recovery well before his birthday and holidays hit. Plus, no one wants to know the other person stuck around for two months when they really didn't want to. There a slow band-aid moments and fats band-aid moments. This is one of the fast ones. Rip already. Jo Langford answered in Relationships 6 months ago Answer, comment & read 6 more answers »

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  How to make things better for the dumpee post-breakup? Has an ex ever done anything for you after a breakup that made you feel better?

  4 0 The he's-a-loner-with-not-much-support part is not your mess. I think it's commendable that you want to be friends, I think that can be a sign of a good (or at least well-intentioned) person. It is important that you suss out your motivation--are you trying to remain friends to make yourself feel better, or him feel better? I would not recommend pursuing a new, just-friends relationship with him unless your honest answer was "both". Otherwise, it's either selfish or pity. but if it is both, you are going to have to give him some space, approach later in a no-threatening way and be VERY direct. I say that because it sounds like he is not particularly down with the direct communication. If you go back in, but are not clear, I think you runt he risk of communicating accidentally that you are wanting to date again, so new terms and boundaries should be clarified clearly and early--no sense in rewounding the poor guy right? If it was me, I would begin with some base-touching/ checking in. Then some neutral, low-pressure, bids for connection in public places and with other people (parties/ group dates/ evenst) would be a great place to start--plus you can set him up to expand his social circle. Jo Langford answered in Relationships 7 months ago Answer, comment & read 9 more answers »

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  Why am I such a romantic loser?

  3 0 Graduating from Oxford with a 4.0 at 21 is amazing, AND has me wondering about how much time you devote to things such as self care and socialization. With such an (I assume) full life and a mostly female university, it is not a shocker that your dance card might be a bit empty purely from a contextual point of view. Your standards are clearly high and I would not advise you to settle! Instead, I would suggest the following: Recruit your female friends as "wing women" and ask them for guidance and advice. Even better--recruit your male friends in a sort of market-research in a give-me-the-hard-feedback/ it's-better-to-be-honest-than-nice-kind-of-way. For some hopefully, objective feedback from actual people with penises. You sound as though you have many strengths, but if the only voice you are listening to is the one that says "loser" "questioning myself" "something wrong with me?", then you are going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Find other voices you trust and ask them for some honest feedback. And finally, temper your time in graduate school as best you can--your twenties are very important and life experience is just as valuable as academics in the real world. Don't miss out on this time. Balance your schoolwork with warm, social, human contact, and see what happens. Good luck! Jo Langford answered in Relationships about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 4 more answers »

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  What traits and phenomenon do you associate with masculinity?

  1 0 Archetypally speaking, I see masculine qualities (as opposed to feminine ones) as focused outward (rather than inward) fertility leadership aggressiveness consumption protectiveness rationality external purpose, drive and manipulation (concentrating on tools and equipment/ rather then our own internal processes) and , again, all people have both masculine and feminine qualities, though the volume on these seem to be turned higher in (at least stereotypical) males. I think things these same qualities can become unhealthy to the degree which they are turned up too high/ not balanced out with corresponding feminine qualities. Jo Langford answered in Sex & Relationships about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 11 more answers »

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  What is the minimum amount people necessary for it to be called an orgy?

  0 0 I say five, given the terms "threesome" and "fourgy" are more specifically descriptive the addition of that fifth (or more) participant bumps it to that next, differently-intimate, level--like a dinner party. Jo Langford answered in Sex about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 6 more answers »

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  What is the etiquette if you discover a friend/acquaintence's nude photo on the internet?

  1 0 I would say , in general, to quietly ignore such things (like a fart in an elevator) unless you have reason to believe that they are unaware of the picture or that they are putting themselves at some kind of risk (e.g., still in high school and/or not following general online safety guidelines, etc). Jo Langford answered in Sex about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 11 more answers »

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  What traits and phenomenon do you associate with femininity?

  2 0 Gender terms like masculine and feminine are cultural inventions that are often used to refer to ways that people act, interact, or feel about themselves, which are associated with boys/men and girls/women. This refers to how “guy-like” or “chick-like” one is, and has nothing to do with what kind of genitals you have--it has to do with the time period, family, culture and geographical location in which you live. I consider concepts such as emotional, intuitive, receptive, related, inclusive, compassionate, introspective, relational, cooperative and nurturing as typical examples of archetypal "feminine" qualities. Again, men and woman share all of these qualities, though, Sterotypically, the volume on these is turned down in men. Jo Langford answered in Sex about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 5 more answers »

• Comment on Jo Langford's answer…

  0 0 None that I am aware of specifically (and am hoping that none do have laws regarding second cousins), though around half of the states do have stated guidelines around the legality of relations amongst cousins and those guidelines can vary greatly, state-to-state. I am simply, an advocate of doing due diligence around laws in the state in which one lives to be safe. Jo Langford commented about 1 year ago

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  Is it weird to date your "cousin" who is by marriage?

  1 2 There are cultural, contextual and legal issues to consider... Primarily you need to check with the state in which you live, as some states consider it illegal. secondarily, context. Did you meet as adults? did your uncle marry his aunt when you were both three? Did you goto high school together? Did you meet for the second time at that wedding last summer? Though he is not blood-related, if you grew up together in a close-knit family as cousins, than the ick factor (if not the genetic issues) of blood-relativity can still be in play, if not for the two of you, perhaps for those around you. I would say, if you are cousins in name only and have not yet developed any other relationship around each other (i.e. he is some guy on the planet who happens to have a relative that married one of yours), than it is fine. If you do have any other relationship already established (such as baby pictures together or memories of those family camping trips, etc) then you're gonna come up against somebody's ick factor. Jo Langford answered in Relationships about 1 year ago Answer, comment & read 8 more answers »

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